It doesn't matter that I am currently bisexual, there is always one thing that attracts me about a guy or a woman and that's their bottom. I can't help it. There must be something in my psyche that just zones in on that particular piece of a person's anatomy. It's almost like a radar. Why? Because of my secret desire to spank. Someone, anyone. Nothing more and nothing less. Nothing necessarily sexual in it either. In a man the first thing that always attracts me is their arse. Especially in tight jeans, and unnervingly arousing in leather trousers. With any woman, I can look at the curve and the size and picture exactly where to strike, what with and what the effect would be.
It excites me, full stop. The buzz can be incredible. I decided before P and I met up for our first physical session that I would introduce her to the subtle art of spanking. First I researched. You can't just hit the bottom and hope for the best. The more I studied, the more I realised that there is an art to spanking. There are literally hundreds of websites about spanking. Mostly (as you would expect) have photos showing the aftermath of a bloody good spanking. But I managed to find the chosen few that concentrated on how to spank, how to do it well, what with and how to ensure both sides get the most out of it. My real goal is to have P ask me, no, BEG me to be spanked. We have a long way to go before that happens and that would make her a pain slut, and would make me very, very happy. So in the meantime, it's all about one step (or spank) at a time.
Of course it all depends what kind of spanking you are giving. There is sexual spanking and punishment spanking. Punishment is exactly that. No warm up, no warnings. Can be inflicted with the hand to start off with before stepping up to implements such as paddles or a cane. This is meant to hurt, to punish, to make the submissive remember why they are being punished. The pain equates to the crime and ensures the brain remembers why the punishment is being given. The memory of the pain lingers long after the sore bum has recovered. Sexual spanking is a mixture of pleasure and pain. There are sweet spots or zones which you can concentrate on. The fleshier parts which seductively wobble in your face as you hit them. Starting off slowly by warming up the skin with your bare hand ensures the endorphins start to flow and the blood rushes to the sexual areas. Hence the certain state of arousal spanking gives the receiver. As the heat of the skin continues it becomes more sensitive. Once I obtain a rosy glow on the cheeks of P's arse, I usually start with something harder. I have an old, hard soled sandal which works very well. It provides a larger, flatter surface area and gives P a completely different set of pain sensations. With sexual spanking, I alternate spanks with pleasure. I caress and rub her hot skin, causing her to moan and wiggle on my lap. Then I play with her pussy which is usually quite wet by this time. I normally smile to myself and start the process again. Spank, play, spank, play. I freely admit I can do this quite happily for hours. Latterly, I have a long, wooden ruler (which P bought me herself) to use which as it is narrower and longer, gives a new set of experiences for her and new marks. I always ensure that any marks are temporary and will fade although she is nearly always uncomfortable afterwards. Sometimes I also rub Arnica cream into the cheeks of her bum to help soothe. Even doing this arouses me.
Punishment spanking also excites me. Maybe I should be slightly shame faced but early on with our sessions, I told P that I wanted to spank her so hard that she cried. That is a secret desire. To know that I have that power. With punishments, I have brought tears to her eyes. And more importantly, I know where her limits are. But I desperately want to push those limits. In the back of my mind, I toy with the idea of forbidding her use of the safe word, especially when punishing. It's my right, but it's a right I have yet to take. I suppose I'm scared that if I did that, the safety net would be removed and I could go too far. And I don't want to ruin what we have, such a beautiful, trusting relationship as D/s. But I harbour that desire to make her cry and yet beg for more, whether in punishment or sexual mode.
So primarily when I punish, I state why, how many and also show her what I am going to use. And it's normally straight in at the deep end so it does hurt and reinforces the difference between sexual and punishment. When it's sexual, quite often I have P laying over my lap which makes it even more intimate. She is face down, her sex available to me and her bare arse there for my using. I know inside she loves it, but doesn't know how far she wants to take it. And is hesitant to ask me, yet. I would love her to become a pain slut. Love her to beg me on her knees to spank her, play with her, use her. Inside her mind, I know she is harbouring those thoughts, they haven't quite reached the surface yet. The desire isn't strong enough. But one day, the desire will become too strong. And I suppose in a way, that is my way of moulding her into what I want her to be. If I am ever lucky enough to have a male sub, I would do exactly the same thing. I can't imagine many other things more rewarding than having a man beg me to spank him. But that will probably remain very much a fantasy, for now. In reality, I have P to help me along with my secret desires. And when her day comes, when she begs me, I will be a very, very happy Domme...
15 December 2009
To Whom It May Concern....
Now I don't know how many people actually read my blog. I know I have three 'official' followers here, one of which is P. But whether anyone else reads it, I don't know! However that doesn't stop me from blogging. I do it not just as a way for me to express my life and my emotions on this particular journey, but hopefully as a conduit to help anyone else on a similar path.
P once said several months ago when we were at the early stages, that I bet I didn't think my sub would be a female. To be honest, it wasn't something I had particularly thought about. I suppose that as a predominantly heterosexual woman, it would be natural for my sub to be of the opposite sex. But I never closed the door to my sub being female either. A submissive for me could be of either sex whether physically or online. I know my blogs probably don't appeal to guys, apart from may be fantasising about two women! But that doesn't stop me.
I would love to have a male submissive at some point. Whether that will happen or not is another matter. I don't mix in BDSM circles, go to munches etc. In reality there is only me and P. We have a mutual online friend who is also a female sub. Her insight and experiences have been a great help to P over the last months. Given her an outlet of her own with someone who understands her. In return she is able to read my blog and gain a greater understanding of what goes on in my psyche.
I have a male friend who was rather surprised when I first sent him the link to my blog. We live on either side of the country so only really converse by emails and phone calls but have been doing this for several years. We hadn't spoken for a few months so when we did catch up and he asked me 'what have I been up to?' I sent him the link to this. That opened up a whole new conversation! And I'm sure when he reads this, he will recognise himself if I call him my Viking hero. He has been fascinated and kept up with things from a distance. I'm sure it has conjured up all sorts of things in his head and made him realise that there are aspects of my personality he never knew at all. And I would love to share it with him. I would like to think he could be a lovely sub but I know he would probably be a Dom instead. Shame!
Some of the things I do with P are easy to cross over with either sex. The mental domination and mental control is something that can be achieved in reality as well as online. Of course with any online relationship, there has to be absolute trust in each other. Other aspects can only be achieved 'in the flesh' so to speak such as punishment, pleasure and all points in between. But writing and reading about them here can ignite the fires within any of my readers if they think that it could happen with them and their partner whoever their partner is. If it arouses you when you read it, then it doesn't matter if it happens here between two females. It can happen with a man and a woman or two guys.
So to whom it may concern is to anyone who reads my blog: whether you are male, female, straight, gay or whatever preference you want to be. I hope you may get a kick out of it, use it for inspiration, maybe help to answer a problem or you can just enjoy it as some illicit night time reading! I am always happy to hear from anyone who wants to contact me about anything I write here. But most of all, I hope that my Viking hero gets the biggest kick of all!!!
P once said several months ago when we were at the early stages, that I bet I didn't think my sub would be a female. To be honest, it wasn't something I had particularly thought about. I suppose that as a predominantly heterosexual woman, it would be natural for my sub to be of the opposite sex. But I never closed the door to my sub being female either. A submissive for me could be of either sex whether physically or online. I know my blogs probably don't appeal to guys, apart from may be fantasising about two women! But that doesn't stop me.
I would love to have a male submissive at some point. Whether that will happen or not is another matter. I don't mix in BDSM circles, go to munches etc. In reality there is only me and P. We have a mutual online friend who is also a female sub. Her insight and experiences have been a great help to P over the last months. Given her an outlet of her own with someone who understands her. In return she is able to read my blog and gain a greater understanding of what goes on in my psyche.
I have a male friend who was rather surprised when I first sent him the link to my blog. We live on either side of the country so only really converse by emails and phone calls but have been doing this for several years. We hadn't spoken for a few months so when we did catch up and he asked me 'what have I been up to?' I sent him the link to this. That opened up a whole new conversation! And I'm sure when he reads this, he will recognise himself if I call him my Viking hero. He has been fascinated and kept up with things from a distance. I'm sure it has conjured up all sorts of things in his head and made him realise that there are aspects of my personality he never knew at all. And I would love to share it with him. I would like to think he could be a lovely sub but I know he would probably be a Dom instead. Shame!
Some of the things I do with P are easy to cross over with either sex. The mental domination and mental control is something that can be achieved in reality as well as online. Of course with any online relationship, there has to be absolute trust in each other. Other aspects can only be achieved 'in the flesh' so to speak such as punishment, pleasure and all points in between. But writing and reading about them here can ignite the fires within any of my readers if they think that it could happen with them and their partner whoever their partner is. If it arouses you when you read it, then it doesn't matter if it happens here between two females. It can happen with a man and a woman or two guys.
So to whom it may concern is to anyone who reads my blog: whether you are male, female, straight, gay or whatever preference you want to be. I hope you may get a kick out of it, use it for inspiration, maybe help to answer a problem or you can just enjoy it as some illicit night time reading! I am always happy to hear from anyone who wants to contact me about anything I write here. But most of all, I hope that my Viking hero gets the biggest kick of all!!!
14 December 2009
Maintaining the bond
Absence is always the hardest part of any relationship and between a D/s it is vital to maintain the link and strengthen the bond. I strived to attain this by holding weekly e-sessions. We don't have web cams so we do them via chat. Of course there is a huge element of trust on both sides, more so in P's case. I have to trust that she does as I instruct. And I do. There is no lack of intensity with our e-sessions. Friday nights became our e-session nights, real life permitting. And in the main, most Friday nights are our own special nights. As P's training progressed, I used the sessions as an opportunity for her to 'show' me exactly how she did her training. I could then control that training, even from my distance. It would be another month before P and I could be together again physically. Another thing we strove to maintain, seeing each other on a regular basis. But in between, the e-sessions were vital to keep the momentum going.
It always surprises me even now, that the e-sessions have such a deep effect on both of us. For me they are arousing as well as enabling me to take on my alter ego. I quite literally change in the way I type and what I type. Just as P says that I am totally different inside the chamber to outside when we are just as friends. For P, she feels as if I am in the room with her, watching over her every move. That I know her every thought and can anticipate her desires. I still punish her for any indiscretions, of course I save up the physical punishments for when we are together. But I can instill a sense of humiliation and contemplation of her errors quite easily. I often treat her as an errant child and get her to stand in the corner of her room, like a naughty spot. Helps to concentrate her mind perfectly. Another is the writing of lines. Always 100 of them in perfect handwriting with no mistakes. I have set this punishment twice already. It is very effective.
Here is an excerpt of her late September diary about an e-session:
"Diary – Thursday 24th September 2009
Another week has passed and tomorrow we’ll be together again. Our e-session was intense. I was nervous beforehand, just as with any physical session. I moved upstairs and set my room up, with the towels and bag, plus laptop. Waiting for you to arrive, I was excited. The thought that you were visiting me and doing the session in my room. I know you’d love the mirrors and how you could use them.
Following your instructions as if I was in the Chamber with you was exciting and felt surprisingly natural. Reading you my list continues to show me how often I get it wrong and how much I have to learn. Sometimes I just can’t help myself though. I’m sorry again about the confusion with the diary deadline. Standing in the corner was humiliating but I felt you watching me. It was arousing as well, being naked there, even though I was kicking myself for the mistakes and failings as your hussy.
You wanting to see my training surprised me, even though it made sense. I have to be aroused to be able to train and the idea that you were there for it, started it so well. Fingers felt so good, touching and stroking. To then put on the glove and start to stroke and tease was even better. Lubing the ring before sliding so easily inside, feeling the pulsing you love so much. I do curse my short arms and fingers sometimes, especially when training. First one finger then the second I wished they were yours inside me. I was getting even more aroused and was ready for more. I lubed up the plug, teased my ring with it, before starting to slowly thrust it in. You took over the movements of it and I followed the descriptions of what you were doing to me. It felt almost as good as you doing it in person, knowing you were controlling the action, even remotely.
Normally I’d follow some plug action with bullet time and get the relief I was desperate for after all that arousal. I asked to cum when I shouldn’t have done, well certainly not in the way I did. You didn’t allow it after my misdemeanours. It was very hard to just remove the plug and end the session. There was a momentary temptation to get some relief afterwards, but the thought was fleeting, you had refused it and I assumed the embargo was still in place.
I hoped that the session would have had an effect on you and that you had enjoyed it too. You confirming this the next day was a delight and relief. Thank you for removing the embargo for a few days. I’ve had two excellent sessions this week, thinking of your actions on Monday and reading my books, thinking of how far you’ve brought me since buying them in May and how much more I understand anal now. I fully understand the training recommendation side of it all now."
It always surprises me even now, that the e-sessions have such a deep effect on both of us. For me they are arousing as well as enabling me to take on my alter ego. I quite literally change in the way I type and what I type. Just as P says that I am totally different inside the chamber to outside when we are just as friends. For P, she feels as if I am in the room with her, watching over her every move. That I know her every thought and can anticipate her desires. I still punish her for any indiscretions, of course I save up the physical punishments for when we are together. But I can instill a sense of humiliation and contemplation of her errors quite easily. I often treat her as an errant child and get her to stand in the corner of her room, like a naughty spot. Helps to concentrate her mind perfectly. Another is the writing of lines. Always 100 of them in perfect handwriting with no mistakes. I have set this punishment twice already. It is very effective.
Here is an excerpt of her late September diary about an e-session:
"Diary – Thursday 24th September 2009
Another week has passed and tomorrow we’ll be together again. Our e-session was intense. I was nervous beforehand, just as with any physical session. I moved upstairs and set my room up, with the towels and bag, plus laptop. Waiting for you to arrive, I was excited. The thought that you were visiting me and doing the session in my room. I know you’d love the mirrors and how you could use them.
Following your instructions as if I was in the Chamber with you was exciting and felt surprisingly natural. Reading you my list continues to show me how often I get it wrong and how much I have to learn. Sometimes I just can’t help myself though. I’m sorry again about the confusion with the diary deadline. Standing in the corner was humiliating but I felt you watching me. It was arousing as well, being naked there, even though I was kicking myself for the mistakes and failings as your hussy.
You wanting to see my training surprised me, even though it made sense. I have to be aroused to be able to train and the idea that you were there for it, started it so well. Fingers felt so good, touching and stroking. To then put on the glove and start to stroke and tease was even better. Lubing the ring before sliding so easily inside, feeling the pulsing you love so much. I do curse my short arms and fingers sometimes, especially when training. First one finger then the second I wished they were yours inside me. I was getting even more aroused and was ready for more. I lubed up the plug, teased my ring with it, before starting to slowly thrust it in. You took over the movements of it and I followed the descriptions of what you were doing to me. It felt almost as good as you doing it in person, knowing you were controlling the action, even remotely.
Normally I’d follow some plug action with bullet time and get the relief I was desperate for after all that arousal. I asked to cum when I shouldn’t have done, well certainly not in the way I did. You didn’t allow it after my misdemeanours. It was very hard to just remove the plug and end the session. There was a momentary temptation to get some relief afterwards, but the thought was fleeting, you had refused it and I assumed the embargo was still in place.
I hoped that the session would have had an effect on you and that you had enjoyed it too. You confirming this the next day was a delight and relief. Thank you for removing the embargo for a few days. I’ve had two excellent sessions this week, thinking of your actions on Monday and reading my books, thinking of how far you’ve brought me since buying them in May and how much more I understand anal now. I fully understand the training recommendation side of it all now."
11 December 2009
The End of Summer
P came to stay on and off with me over the summer for about 3 weeks. We spent a lot of time together as friends and also exploring our bisexual relationship. That is a completely separate issue which I won't elaborate on the blog as it is about us being equals and developing a loving relationship without domination on either side. However, in the Chamber we would have one last summer fling before P left me again and it would be another month until we met again. Her diaries are always the best instrument to portray our sessions and so I leave it to her to elaborate once again...
"Diary – Friday 4th September 2009
It has been five days now since I left you and a week since our last session, already it feels so far away as do you from me. I know that 4 weeks today I will return to you but after spending half the summer with you, it has been harder than I realised or wanted to admit to myself. I miss being in your presence so much. This is a hard diary to write and I don’t really know why. Maybe I’m trying to distance myself to make being apart easier or shutting myself away.
You instructed me to be alluring and I hope the baby-doll with my best dress worked for that, it gives shape and cleavage without emphasising the areas I’m ashamed of. I was calm so quickly once I was kneeling before you, as on Sunday. You were so complimentary of my appearance. My dress was soon removed and you paid attention to my breasts, both in and out of my underwear. I’m still amazed by the sensations that you draw from them. Having me strip I was bent over and examined, this never ceases to arouse and excite me, as you inspect your property and ensure that I have followed your instructions properly. You treated me as you wanted to, your play toy, flogging my bottom, back, breasts and pussy, sensitising them deliciously to your touch. Standing behind me, pressed against my bottom, I could easily imagine being taken by you, in any way you wanted to, and treasuring every moment of it.
With my arms raised you started to play with my breasts again, flogging, stroking and striking. Then you bound them my breasts with tape, isolating them from my body, sensitising them further. You laid me on the bed, secured my wrists, blind-folded me and spread my legs. I was laid bare for your pleasure and play. You talked about me being on display and raised the subject of others seeing me like that, this excited me, I admit. You’ve mentioned sharing me or showing me off before, while it scares me it excites my sub soul that you could be proud of your sub and want to show her off.
You used toys to tease and play with me. The new anal teasing kit was wonderful, the long narrow probe sends the sensations deep without stretching me on, a curious combination. The noduled one was incredibly exciting on my clit, which was already sensitive from the pussy flogging and stroking. The final one you used actually in my anus was very arousing, especially having never had a vibrator actually inside me like that before. You expressed surprise at the size of my pink vibrator, I don’t use it internally very often, but you had told me to train my pussy as well as my anal, so I had been using it more often than I used to. I know I was wet and highly excited by your actions as it slipped in so easily, I know you said you lubed it but it was a very easy entry. Using it the way you did, you were hitting my g spot in a way I just can’t with it and it was incredible.
On my knees you focused on me with the plugs and toys. I felt so open to your touch and everything glided so deliciously smoothly in. I was in heaven, desperate for more of your attention, feeling so alive. I was ready for anything you wanted to do to me. You thrusting toys into me again brought thoughts of you taking even more ownership of my body, exciting me further. You tried the largest plug on me and I’m sorry I was unable to fully take it. I have progressed so far, I never expected to even be able to try that size any way near this soon. You said that I had over two thirds of it, perhaps by the end of the year I will be able to succeed. You’ve instructed me to train with the medium sized plug in future, which I will of course with great delight and a fully feeling than the small affords me. Although you didn’t realise, my shaking started when you returned me to my back. You are so good to be allowing me to cum in so many sessions, I am truly honoured.
The shaking shocked me as much as you this time. You had pulled so many sensations from me and every moment of it was amazing. It took a long time to come down from. There is no way I can fully pay honour to you for all you do for this unworthy sub. You make me feel as I never have before."
"Diary – Friday 4th September 2009
It has been five days now since I left you and a week since our last session, already it feels so far away as do you from me. I know that 4 weeks today I will return to you but after spending half the summer with you, it has been harder than I realised or wanted to admit to myself. I miss being in your presence so much. This is a hard diary to write and I don’t really know why. Maybe I’m trying to distance myself to make being apart easier or shutting myself away.
You instructed me to be alluring and I hope the baby-doll with my best dress worked for that, it gives shape and cleavage without emphasising the areas I’m ashamed of. I was calm so quickly once I was kneeling before you, as on Sunday. You were so complimentary of my appearance. My dress was soon removed and you paid attention to my breasts, both in and out of my underwear. I’m still amazed by the sensations that you draw from them. Having me strip I was bent over and examined, this never ceases to arouse and excite me, as you inspect your property and ensure that I have followed your instructions properly. You treated me as you wanted to, your play toy, flogging my bottom, back, breasts and pussy, sensitising them deliciously to your touch. Standing behind me, pressed against my bottom, I could easily imagine being taken by you, in any way you wanted to, and treasuring every moment of it.
With my arms raised you started to play with my breasts again, flogging, stroking and striking. Then you bound them my breasts with tape, isolating them from my body, sensitising them further. You laid me on the bed, secured my wrists, blind-folded me and spread my legs. I was laid bare for your pleasure and play. You talked about me being on display and raised the subject of others seeing me like that, this excited me, I admit. You’ve mentioned sharing me or showing me off before, while it scares me it excites my sub soul that you could be proud of your sub and want to show her off.
You used toys to tease and play with me. The new anal teasing kit was wonderful, the long narrow probe sends the sensations deep without stretching me on, a curious combination. The noduled one was incredibly exciting on my clit, which was already sensitive from the pussy flogging and stroking. The final one you used actually in my anus was very arousing, especially having never had a vibrator actually inside me like that before. You expressed surprise at the size of my pink vibrator, I don’t use it internally very often, but you had told me to train my pussy as well as my anal, so I had been using it more often than I used to. I know I was wet and highly excited by your actions as it slipped in so easily, I know you said you lubed it but it was a very easy entry. Using it the way you did, you were hitting my g spot in a way I just can’t with it and it was incredible.
On my knees you focused on me with the plugs and toys. I felt so open to your touch and everything glided so deliciously smoothly in. I was in heaven, desperate for more of your attention, feeling so alive. I was ready for anything you wanted to do to me. You thrusting toys into me again brought thoughts of you taking even more ownership of my body, exciting me further. You tried the largest plug on me and I’m sorry I was unable to fully take it. I have progressed so far, I never expected to even be able to try that size any way near this soon. You said that I had over two thirds of it, perhaps by the end of the year I will be able to succeed. You’ve instructed me to train with the medium sized plug in future, which I will of course with great delight and a fully feeling than the small affords me. Although you didn’t realise, my shaking started when you returned me to my back. You are so good to be allowing me to cum in so many sessions, I am truly honoured.
The shaking shocked me as much as you this time. You had pulled so many sensations from me and every moment of it was amazing. It took a long time to come down from. There is no way I can fully pay honour to you for all you do for this unworthy sub. You make me feel as I never have before."
Fantasies
P and I had developed a fantasy concerning P dressing up as a school girl. This was a reflection of her real life job. Both of us got more and more aroused as time went on. P collected the items of clothing she needed for her school uniform and even just the act of doing this aroused her beyond reason. In August we got the chance to finally enact our fantasy for the first time. This is P's reaction afterwards...
"Diary – Monday 24th August 2009
Yesterday we were reunited in your Chamber and it was wonderful. You had spent our previous couple of sessions reclaiming me, body and mind and now we are back. I was excited but nervous as I dressed in my uniform. Nervous because I had no idea how this session might run, but a good nervous. I knew you had cut your nails short, which led me to wonder whether you planned some pussy play this time. The toy bag was fully stocked and ready as instructed and I hadn’t touched myself since my period had started on the previous Sunday.
You were waiting for me with your back to me, wearing your delightfully short spotted dress. I’m a little concerned that when we start this way I do not always have the opportunity to kiss your hand and do not want to break one of your core rules, but of course it is always your right to change any of these. I settled into peace much faster this time waiting for you, I don’t think anything was particularly different but I know I was calmer sooner. I do love to be inspected by you, whether dressed or undressed, I find it exciting, just as it is preparing an outfit to your requirements. I made the mistake of looking at you without permission, for which I apologise again, it was a silly mistake to make. You had me remove a layer at a time, checking that I had followed every detail correctly. This was very arousing, being under your stern close scrutiny, and knowing my clothing had met your approval.
I admitted my indiscretions and received my punishment for them. Thank you for being so lenient on me. Being reduced to just my socks and standing wide-legged and bent forward knowing you were looking at me so intimately was so exciting. With my legs very wide like that I am able to maintain the position for a good length of time. You spent a long time just looking at me before inspection then spanking and flogging me, simply because I am yours and you can treat me as you wish. You know that this excites me and started to touch my pussy between series of strikes, sensitizing me as you played and stroked me. I do not know where my pain limit is but was willing to beg you for more. You know I hate to beg but I did it, I long to please you so much.
I know I can never ask for anything specific of a session but you fulfilled so many of the elements I mentioned to you earlier in the week. Restraint was certainly a major one for me, it means so much to me to be physically helpless before you, as well as mentally. Not being able to speak at all was incredibly difficult for me, I know the Chamber is not the place to chat, but the ban was so hard. Thank you for using the tape, it was incredible. The emphasis I felt my breasts had, even before you touched them, was extreme. Then to be blind-folded as well heightened my other senses. My breasts were held up and presented for your attention and you drew such intense feelings from them. You stroked, flogged, pinched them and my whole body was reduced to them. I could see nothing but imagined they were rosy with pert deep pink nipples.
Whipping my pussy was something new and I couldn’t believe how sensitive my skin became after the stroking and whipping. I felt so much more when you started to play with it. I felt very aroused and sounded very wet. The vibrator was fantastic and excited me no end. The small anal vibrator probe was delicately arousing, it transmitted light sensations inside me without me feeling stretched, which was curiously delightful. You denied me an orgasm, as is your will. I am your toy to play with, however you wish, and I love you doing so. Being permitted to worship your breasts was as always an arousing honour, even though it is not for my pleasure. My sub soul was singing with joy.
Anal play while on my back felt very different, exciting in a new way. Your use of the toys feels so much easier since my training. They slide in and out so smoothly feeling just incredible. I just love your focus on my anus, it was never a part of my body to get or even want any attention. It was curious the changes in the position of my legs made when combined with the thrusting. Then you talked about my wearing a butt plug all day, being reminded of you with every movement, this was an exciting concept. I know I can’t hold it in with my muscles alone, additional assistance will be necessary.
You held the plug inside me, rewarding me with the full feeling I’ve longed for, and started playing with my clit again. I held my lips apart for you to access me properly, loving the feeling when you played the vibrator over my clit. I’d been highly aroused for so long, the relief was immense. I had to beg for release and was delighted to, I was so desperate for it. Being driven higher and higher, you wound me up so much. I got so close and began to realise that it was becoming more and more that I would be able to cum. You found the perfect spot and kept playing with me. Then I tipped over the edge and started to convulse and you kept going. I have no idea how many times I came, it was the most intense I’ve ever known. I had to use my safe-word in the end as I just couldn’t take any more. I could feel my anal muscles contracting around the plug and it added to it all. Thank you so much for the experience. The whole session was intense and I felt so alive. You pull sensations from me I just never knew my body was capable of. The restraint and sensory deprivation heightened it all. You played with this hussy for your pleasure, using me the way you wanted to, delivering pain in perfect proportions to intensify the pleasure. I can’t truly describe how incredible it makes me feel and how fulfilling this is for me."
"Diary – Monday 24th August 2009
Yesterday we were reunited in your Chamber and it was wonderful. You had spent our previous couple of sessions reclaiming me, body and mind and now we are back. I was excited but nervous as I dressed in my uniform. Nervous because I had no idea how this session might run, but a good nervous. I knew you had cut your nails short, which led me to wonder whether you planned some pussy play this time. The toy bag was fully stocked and ready as instructed and I hadn’t touched myself since my period had started on the previous Sunday.
You were waiting for me with your back to me, wearing your delightfully short spotted dress. I’m a little concerned that when we start this way I do not always have the opportunity to kiss your hand and do not want to break one of your core rules, but of course it is always your right to change any of these. I settled into peace much faster this time waiting for you, I don’t think anything was particularly different but I know I was calmer sooner. I do love to be inspected by you, whether dressed or undressed, I find it exciting, just as it is preparing an outfit to your requirements. I made the mistake of looking at you without permission, for which I apologise again, it was a silly mistake to make. You had me remove a layer at a time, checking that I had followed every detail correctly. This was very arousing, being under your stern close scrutiny, and knowing my clothing had met your approval.
I admitted my indiscretions and received my punishment for them. Thank you for being so lenient on me. Being reduced to just my socks and standing wide-legged and bent forward knowing you were looking at me so intimately was so exciting. With my legs very wide like that I am able to maintain the position for a good length of time. You spent a long time just looking at me before inspection then spanking and flogging me, simply because I am yours and you can treat me as you wish. You know that this excites me and started to touch my pussy between series of strikes, sensitizing me as you played and stroked me. I do not know where my pain limit is but was willing to beg you for more. You know I hate to beg but I did it, I long to please you so much.
I know I can never ask for anything specific of a session but you fulfilled so many of the elements I mentioned to you earlier in the week. Restraint was certainly a major one for me, it means so much to me to be physically helpless before you, as well as mentally. Not being able to speak at all was incredibly difficult for me, I know the Chamber is not the place to chat, but the ban was so hard. Thank you for using the tape, it was incredible. The emphasis I felt my breasts had, even before you touched them, was extreme. Then to be blind-folded as well heightened my other senses. My breasts were held up and presented for your attention and you drew such intense feelings from them. You stroked, flogged, pinched them and my whole body was reduced to them. I could see nothing but imagined they were rosy with pert deep pink nipples.
Whipping my pussy was something new and I couldn’t believe how sensitive my skin became after the stroking and whipping. I felt so much more when you started to play with it. I felt very aroused and sounded very wet. The vibrator was fantastic and excited me no end. The small anal vibrator probe was delicately arousing, it transmitted light sensations inside me without me feeling stretched, which was curiously delightful. You denied me an orgasm, as is your will. I am your toy to play with, however you wish, and I love you doing so. Being permitted to worship your breasts was as always an arousing honour, even though it is not for my pleasure. My sub soul was singing with joy.
Anal play while on my back felt very different, exciting in a new way. Your use of the toys feels so much easier since my training. They slide in and out so smoothly feeling just incredible. I just love your focus on my anus, it was never a part of my body to get or even want any attention. It was curious the changes in the position of my legs made when combined with the thrusting. Then you talked about my wearing a butt plug all day, being reminded of you with every movement, this was an exciting concept. I know I can’t hold it in with my muscles alone, additional assistance will be necessary.
You held the plug inside me, rewarding me with the full feeling I’ve longed for, and started playing with my clit again. I held my lips apart for you to access me properly, loving the feeling when you played the vibrator over my clit. I’d been highly aroused for so long, the relief was immense. I had to beg for release and was delighted to, I was so desperate for it. Being driven higher and higher, you wound me up so much. I got so close and began to realise that it was becoming more and more that I would be able to cum. You found the perfect spot and kept playing with me. Then I tipped over the edge and started to convulse and you kept going. I have no idea how many times I came, it was the most intense I’ve ever known. I had to use my safe-word in the end as I just couldn’t take any more. I could feel my anal muscles contracting around the plug and it added to it all. Thank you so much for the experience. The whole session was intense and I felt so alive. You pull sensations from me I just never knew my body was capable of. The restraint and sensory deprivation heightened it all. You played with this hussy for your pleasure, using me the way you wanted to, delivering pain in perfect proportions to intensify the pleasure. I can’t truly describe how incredible it makes me feel and how fulfilling this is for me."
Reclaiming her...Part 2
And now my side of the story.......
"Dear Hussy
I hesitate to try to put words to paper but feel compelled to, even if they don’t make sense. I admit to feeling nervous being back in the chamber and wondered whether I could still command your respect and submission. I know it’s what you want to do but if you have no confidence in me as your Lady, it won’t work. I had the plan in my head but also wanted things to flow naturally too. Above all I had an overwhelming urge to reclaim you. Eight weeks is a long time apart (not as long as some people have to endure) and I needed to exert my presence over you. I know I may have been rough but I hope it wasn’t unpleasant for you.
I felt your arousal at being so physically reclaimed especially when on the chair. That one word has been exciting you for days I’m sure. I wanted you to feel the pleasure and pain of your submission. Your suitable punishment for your list of indiscretions was suitable and swiftly dealt with. And I made sure you were completely absolved. I didn’t want to repeat that mistake again.
But before that I made sure I inspected you, bending you over not just to my will but physically. So you were on full display. With nothing to hide and nowhere to hide. Such a wondrous sight to behold. My shining hussy with her shining pussy. Then using the chair to impose my will on you. I know I may have been rough but I hope I wasn’t hurtful. I felt your arousal at my hand slaps, the way I made you tell me what I owned, the flogging of your breasts and nipples. As part of reclaiming you, I made you worship my feet which you are immensely good at. I couldn’t resist you worshipping other parts of me, as I flaunted my body at you. Showing my panties, making you honour my body. I wanted to use you...I wanted you to remember my scent, my skin, my power and my dominance over you. Finally I ended with some new anal exploration. Using my fingers to prime you first, before using the anal beads. I know it was affecting you and I wanted you to experience them to the full. Literally. So I was able to use you and for you to understand just what it meant.
Afterwards your tears were unexpected and yet expected. I hope I cared and soothed you enough. I was lost for words but hope I showed how much I care and love you. I hope it was just a release of all the pent up emotions and not as a result of my ministrations to you. This may not be a long expression of my feelings but I trust it shows you how deep they run and how important it is for me to reassert myself over you. And I will continue to do this until you look up at me from the floor with those lovely eyes of yours and I will know you want me to use you for my own pleasure.
Until then, I remain your Lady x"
"Dear Hussy
I hesitate to try to put words to paper but feel compelled to, even if they don’t make sense. I admit to feeling nervous being back in the chamber and wondered whether I could still command your respect and submission. I know it’s what you want to do but if you have no confidence in me as your Lady, it won’t work. I had the plan in my head but also wanted things to flow naturally too. Above all I had an overwhelming urge to reclaim you. Eight weeks is a long time apart (not as long as some people have to endure) and I needed to exert my presence over you. I know I may have been rough but I hope it wasn’t unpleasant for you.
I felt your arousal at being so physically reclaimed especially when on the chair. That one word has been exciting you for days I’m sure. I wanted you to feel the pleasure and pain of your submission. Your suitable punishment for your list of indiscretions was suitable and swiftly dealt with. And I made sure you were completely absolved. I didn’t want to repeat that mistake again.
But before that I made sure I inspected you, bending you over not just to my will but physically. So you were on full display. With nothing to hide and nowhere to hide. Such a wondrous sight to behold. My shining hussy with her shining pussy. Then using the chair to impose my will on you. I know I may have been rough but I hope I wasn’t hurtful. I felt your arousal at my hand slaps, the way I made you tell me what I owned, the flogging of your breasts and nipples. As part of reclaiming you, I made you worship my feet which you are immensely good at. I couldn’t resist you worshipping other parts of me, as I flaunted my body at you. Showing my panties, making you honour my body. I wanted to use you...I wanted you to remember my scent, my skin, my power and my dominance over you. Finally I ended with some new anal exploration. Using my fingers to prime you first, before using the anal beads. I know it was affecting you and I wanted you to experience them to the full. Literally. So I was able to use you and for you to understand just what it meant.
Afterwards your tears were unexpected and yet expected. I hope I cared and soothed you enough. I was lost for words but hope I showed how much I care and love you. I hope it was just a release of all the pent up emotions and not as a result of my ministrations to you. This may not be a long expression of my feelings but I trust it shows you how deep they run and how important it is for me to reassert myself over you. And I will continue to do this until you look up at me from the floor with those lovely eyes of yours and I will know you want me to use you for my own pleasure.
Until then, I remain your Lady x"
Reclaiming her...
First I apologise for my tardiness with regard to the blog. Real life has invaded my time over the last few months and prevented me from updating it as I have wanted to. However, I will now remedy that. I am still progressing with P, in fact things have moved on quite a lot. But I still want to share how we have got to where we are now. Back in July we met up for the first time in many, many weeks. There was a lot of catching up to do. Both our diaries reflected how we dealt with the flood of emotion when we were finally reunited in my Chamber. P's side of things first...
"Diary – Monday 27th July 2009
We are finally together again and it has felt so long now. Arriving on Saturday and being in your arms again felt like I had returned home. I missed you more than I can express in words. Yesterday’s session was so special to me, while all of them are this meant more after the extended absence. I was actually ready early for once and was flicking through my ‘Bottom’ book, finding the ‘preparing yourself for a session’ passages. They helped to calm me and get back to the frame of mind. They reminded me that it’s normal to feel pent-up and nervous before and that this was a good thing. To finally knock on the door and kneel before you was wonderful. My heart was racing and I hardly dared glance around the Chamber. The room smelled wonderful and as I knelt I could see your beautiful legs and feet again.
I know I have problems speaking to you in the Chamber, I just get so tongue-tied in your presence. Despite this it is where I long to be. Oh when you first touched me just to stroke my face I could hardly breathe I was so happy. To be examined and inspected, to hope I pleased you. I couldn’t resist the frilly panties. I could have kicked myself for not presenting my list to you properly, I’ve no idea what I was thinking of then. My punishment was justly deserved and thank you for absolving me after it. Yes it was arousing though, even if you were unable to see the evidence for yourself, you know your hussy too well.
Bent over being inspected by you was humiliating but so exciting. Knowing there was absolutely no hiding from you, that I was completely exposed to your gaze. No-one has looked at me the way you do and it is incredibly arousing. You are inspecting your property as is your right and only you can, reclaiming my body part by part. The new little razor is excellent for the more awkward little spots, if I realise that there is hair to remove there. You appear to enjoy my pony-tail and the potential it offers you for control. Unless you require it otherwise, I’ll continue to present my hair like this. It did feel uncomfortable at times when you were, but nothing to consider using my safe-word for.
Sitting on the chair was exciting. You’ve hinted at your possible plans for using a chair and I really enjoyed it. Sitting with my back so straight presenting my breasts for your pleasure and use, which you did so delightfully. It was delicious pain/pleasure you created for them, clamping and flogging them. I do love the attention you pay to them. It makes me feel so alive and amazed that I feel so much, no matter how many times you do it.
The opportunity to be allowed to worship you was overwhelming. I adore the sight of my Lady but never expect to deserve to gaze upon you, which I why I wasn’t able to all the time. Worshiping your beautiful feet aroused me no end, then to have the honour of kissing your bum, so gloriously presented in those lacy panties, was incredible. Such smooth firm flesh waiting to be honoured and pleasured. I know it was not for my pleasure but it did bring it, I can only hope you enjoyed it too.
Then you reclaimed my anus. I can’t describe how happy I was or how good it felt to have your fingers inside of me again, reclaiming the virginity that was all yours last time. It felt like they slide in so easily, like they belong within me. It took a few moments for me to realise what you were then using on me. You asked why I was afraid when you took some of the anal toys from our toy box, it is only the fear and nerves of the unknown. I know that I am completely safe in your hands, I trust you absolutely. I always have a small fear of the unknown though but I’ve learnt to try and not let it stop me. The beads felt a little odd at first, so different from a plug, with the constantly changing size, but you knew how to bring pleasure with them and you did. I am so lucky to have a Lady who is experienced like this. I never expected to be able to take the whole string the first time and while I was loving the fuller deeper feeling, hadn’t realised I almost had. That final bead was intoxicating and a feeling of triumph when you told me. I’m starting to understand how a woman could orgasm from anal play. There were just so many sensations and so much to enjoy, it was all I could do to control my breathing and stay up. I have long said that I am yours to use and you did, I was just a toy to play with, the effect on me was immense.
I started to shake while I was having a drink, I have no idea why. I wasn’t cold or in pain or even discomfort, the experience had been incredible. When you started to comfort me, the tears surprised me as much as they did you. They were not caused by pain. I think it was the separation, the happiness of being back in your Chamber again and the intensity of the session. You were so calming, so soothing, it was just hard to stop. You are always so caring at the end and I feel cherished. I always know that I belong to you but after yesterday I feel it more keenly than ever. I know you will never move at a faster pace than you feel I am ready for, this is part of why I trust you so absolutely as my glorious generous Lady."
"Diary – Monday 27th July 2009
We are finally together again and it has felt so long now. Arriving on Saturday and being in your arms again felt like I had returned home. I missed you more than I can express in words. Yesterday’s session was so special to me, while all of them are this meant more after the extended absence. I was actually ready early for once and was flicking through my ‘Bottom’ book, finding the ‘preparing yourself for a session’ passages. They helped to calm me and get back to the frame of mind. They reminded me that it’s normal to feel pent-up and nervous before and that this was a good thing. To finally knock on the door and kneel before you was wonderful. My heart was racing and I hardly dared glance around the Chamber. The room smelled wonderful and as I knelt I could see your beautiful legs and feet again.
I know I have problems speaking to you in the Chamber, I just get so tongue-tied in your presence. Despite this it is where I long to be. Oh when you first touched me just to stroke my face I could hardly breathe I was so happy. To be examined and inspected, to hope I pleased you. I couldn’t resist the frilly panties. I could have kicked myself for not presenting my list to you properly, I’ve no idea what I was thinking of then. My punishment was justly deserved and thank you for absolving me after it. Yes it was arousing though, even if you were unable to see the evidence for yourself, you know your hussy too well.
Bent over being inspected by you was humiliating but so exciting. Knowing there was absolutely no hiding from you, that I was completely exposed to your gaze. No-one has looked at me the way you do and it is incredibly arousing. You are inspecting your property as is your right and only you can, reclaiming my body part by part. The new little razor is excellent for the more awkward little spots, if I realise that there is hair to remove there. You appear to enjoy my pony-tail and the potential it offers you for control. Unless you require it otherwise, I’ll continue to present my hair like this. It did feel uncomfortable at times when you were, but nothing to consider using my safe-word for.
Sitting on the chair was exciting. You’ve hinted at your possible plans for using a chair and I really enjoyed it. Sitting with my back so straight presenting my breasts for your pleasure and use, which you did so delightfully. It was delicious pain/pleasure you created for them, clamping and flogging them. I do love the attention you pay to them. It makes me feel so alive and amazed that I feel so much, no matter how many times you do it.
The opportunity to be allowed to worship you was overwhelming. I adore the sight of my Lady but never expect to deserve to gaze upon you, which I why I wasn’t able to all the time. Worshiping your beautiful feet aroused me no end, then to have the honour of kissing your bum, so gloriously presented in those lacy panties, was incredible. Such smooth firm flesh waiting to be honoured and pleasured. I know it was not for my pleasure but it did bring it, I can only hope you enjoyed it too.
Then you reclaimed my anus. I can’t describe how happy I was or how good it felt to have your fingers inside of me again, reclaiming the virginity that was all yours last time. It felt like they slide in so easily, like they belong within me. It took a few moments for me to realise what you were then using on me. You asked why I was afraid when you took some of the anal toys from our toy box, it is only the fear and nerves of the unknown. I know that I am completely safe in your hands, I trust you absolutely. I always have a small fear of the unknown though but I’ve learnt to try and not let it stop me. The beads felt a little odd at first, so different from a plug, with the constantly changing size, but you knew how to bring pleasure with them and you did. I am so lucky to have a Lady who is experienced like this. I never expected to be able to take the whole string the first time and while I was loving the fuller deeper feeling, hadn’t realised I almost had. That final bead was intoxicating and a feeling of triumph when you told me. I’m starting to understand how a woman could orgasm from anal play. There were just so many sensations and so much to enjoy, it was all I could do to control my breathing and stay up. I have long said that I am yours to use and you did, I was just a toy to play with, the effect on me was immense.
I started to shake while I was having a drink, I have no idea why. I wasn’t cold or in pain or even discomfort, the experience had been incredible. When you started to comfort me, the tears surprised me as much as they did you. They were not caused by pain. I think it was the separation, the happiness of being back in your Chamber again and the intensity of the session. You were so calming, so soothing, it was just hard to stop. You are always so caring at the end and I feel cherished. I always know that I belong to you but after yesterday I feel it more keenly than ever. I know you will never move at a faster pace than you feel I am ready for, this is part of why I trust you so absolutely as my glorious generous Lady."
25 September 2009
Preparation
I know how I want P to prepare, how I want her to look, how I want her to act, how I want her to be. I have slowly started to mould her into how I want my hussy to be. Everything from hair, clothes and makeup to personal bodily appearance. And not just physically, but mentally too. How she sees me, how she must act with me, what she says, how she says it. What she thinks about me, how often, in what way. To be mentally and physically prepared. But how does her Domme prepare?
I suppose I prepare in much the same way. But some of them are for different reasons. One of my first priorities is safety. I ensure all my equipment is clean. It is P’s responsibility to clean the toys after each session. But I always check the toys that remain with me. Next are my finger nails. I trim these prior to each session, ensuring they are short and smooth. Sadly this often means cutting off my long, luscious nails that have been growing for 3 – 4 weeks. But I can’t take any risk when playing intimately with P. I use gloves for anal play and it doesn’t detract from the feelings we both get. But I ensure no cross contamination. Losing the nails isn’t such a bad thing; it means I can type properly at work!
As P does, I ensure my body is scrubbed, moisturised and shaved. I shaved my pussy before doing it to P, and I believe that if I expect her to be this way, then so should I. I now much prefer the clean, nude appearance. I always choose an outfit to suit my mood. Sometimes sensual and teasing, others strict and stern. It all depends on how I have planned the session. My dress immediately sets the tone. Of course whatever I wear, P is always excited and aroused when she sees me. But I take pride in my appearance and as her Domme; I need to set the example. One of course, a hussy can never hope to emulate….
As well as appearance, I choose how to greet P. Sometimes I sit on the bed, legs seductively crossed with my usual feather fan held up to my face. This obscures my top half. Sometimes I stand with my back to her so she is left under no illusion of who is dominant. I tower over her as she kneels behind me.
I make sure the chamber is set up. Towels etc in place, toys ready to hand. I place things on view. It tends to give P a sense of peace, along with kneeling at my feet. I also set the room up how I want it for play. Mirrors in the right spot, a chair or stool, or whatever I want to engage P with for the duration. I always try to make the session run as smoothly and seamlessly possible.
Mentally I tune into my Domme side a couple of days beforehand. Mainly by giving P specific instructions but also planning for the session. Sometimes I talk to P about them (but never reveal too much!). I also read as it helps to clear and focus the mind into Domme space. As much as there is sub space, I believe there is Domme space. Once in Domme space, nothing else matters except you and your sub. Time can stand still, the world outside fades away, and all there is in your existence is the two of you and what you can do to them. The highs are enormous. The drop can be even more so. With each session I have learned to handle the drop and remain comforted with the session memories and emotions.
Part of those memories is smell. I always scent my body and hence the room gets scented too. P had commented on it in her diaries. Helps to calm. I have a scent I only really use in the chamber so it differentiates between me and Her. And I can recall the scent in a second and with it come the memories. So clear and real as if we were doing it all over again. And just as important, are P’s scents. She uses a perfume which I associate with the chamber. Then there is the scent of her body, her arousal and sex. I make her taste herself; let her know who is in control of her body.
All these things help to build the tension between us. Tension, arousal and anticipation. P has a fear of the unknown. Stepping into my chamber is like stepping off a cliff. She has no idea what will happen. I have the plan in my head, but allow for things to flow freely of their own accord too. And that is an element of surprise in itself. Sometimes my own actions take me unawares. But it is the preparation that enhances the whole session. Yes you can do things ad-hoc, take the chance when the mood takes you. But preparing for a session is the hottest thing in the world…
I suppose I prepare in much the same way. But some of them are for different reasons. One of my first priorities is safety. I ensure all my equipment is clean. It is P’s responsibility to clean the toys after each session. But I always check the toys that remain with me. Next are my finger nails. I trim these prior to each session, ensuring they are short and smooth. Sadly this often means cutting off my long, luscious nails that have been growing for 3 – 4 weeks. But I can’t take any risk when playing intimately with P. I use gloves for anal play and it doesn’t detract from the feelings we both get. But I ensure no cross contamination. Losing the nails isn’t such a bad thing; it means I can type properly at work!
As P does, I ensure my body is scrubbed, moisturised and shaved. I shaved my pussy before doing it to P, and I believe that if I expect her to be this way, then so should I. I now much prefer the clean, nude appearance. I always choose an outfit to suit my mood. Sometimes sensual and teasing, others strict and stern. It all depends on how I have planned the session. My dress immediately sets the tone. Of course whatever I wear, P is always excited and aroused when she sees me. But I take pride in my appearance and as her Domme; I need to set the example. One of course, a hussy can never hope to emulate….
As well as appearance, I choose how to greet P. Sometimes I sit on the bed, legs seductively crossed with my usual feather fan held up to my face. This obscures my top half. Sometimes I stand with my back to her so she is left under no illusion of who is dominant. I tower over her as she kneels behind me.
I make sure the chamber is set up. Towels etc in place, toys ready to hand. I place things on view. It tends to give P a sense of peace, along with kneeling at my feet. I also set the room up how I want it for play. Mirrors in the right spot, a chair or stool, or whatever I want to engage P with for the duration. I always try to make the session run as smoothly and seamlessly possible.
Mentally I tune into my Domme side a couple of days beforehand. Mainly by giving P specific instructions but also planning for the session. Sometimes I talk to P about them (but never reveal too much!). I also read as it helps to clear and focus the mind into Domme space. As much as there is sub space, I believe there is Domme space. Once in Domme space, nothing else matters except you and your sub. Time can stand still, the world outside fades away, and all there is in your existence is the two of you and what you can do to them. The highs are enormous. The drop can be even more so. With each session I have learned to handle the drop and remain comforted with the session memories and emotions.
Part of those memories is smell. I always scent my body and hence the room gets scented too. P had commented on it in her diaries. Helps to calm. I have a scent I only really use in the chamber so it differentiates between me and Her. And I can recall the scent in a second and with it come the memories. So clear and real as if we were doing it all over again. And just as important, are P’s scents. She uses a perfume which I associate with the chamber. Then there is the scent of her body, her arousal and sex. I make her taste herself; let her know who is in control of her body.
All these things help to build the tension between us. Tension, arousal and anticipation. P has a fear of the unknown. Stepping into my chamber is like stepping off a cliff. She has no idea what will happen. I have the plan in my head, but allow for things to flow freely of their own accord too. And that is an element of surprise in itself. Sometimes my own actions take me unawares. But it is the preparation that enhances the whole session. Yes you can do things ad-hoc, take the chance when the mood takes you. But preparing for a session is the hottest thing in the world…
19 September 2009
Separation
Eight weeks. A long time by anyones watch, clock or calendar. When P left at the end of May, it would be eight weeks before I saw her again. Real life, as always, has to come first. So real life prevented us from seeing each other for that period. We both shed tears when P drove home. The parting was particularly painful for both of us. But at least we had jobs and lives that could help us to get through those long weeks apart. But we also had to maintain the momentum from our time together. So I arranged for P to have a set of training instructions during our absence.
My instructions related to pussy and anal training. Even though I wouldn't be doing it myself, I knew that P would always be thinking of my voice, my words, my commands whenever she did her training. Pussy training centred on using her favourite vibrator to help stretch and relax her muscles. As P had not explored her pussy for a long time, it was tight and I had so far been unable to play with her as much as I wished to. I wanted to explore and bring her new sensations which I could use as part of orgasm denial. Her magical G-spot being one of the things I wanted to know intimately. Her vibrator was a good size, one which would stretch and fill her to my requirements. So this was one of her instructions.
Second was anal training. Now I had broken her anal virginity, I wanted to maintain it. We had read the anal sex books that P had bought and discovered interesting articles on anal training linked to BDSM. We agreed this was the best way forward for P. Initially, P was to explore her anus with her fingers. P had already tried this tentatively before visiting in May with a soapy fingertip when she showered. She was now commanded to do this daily if possible. And to use more than a fingertip. She also needed to explore herself in bed on a daily basis. I wanted her to progress from one finger to two and hopefully, to insert the smallest butt plug in her collection.
P was to update me on her progress on a regular basis through diaries and through our nightly online chats. Due to periods etc, I knew that P would not be able to perform her training every day. But with the length of time between our physical sessions, I knew there would be enough training days and nights for P to progress to a level that would be best for both of us.
Of course, little milestones were missed by me as her Lady during this time apart. The biggest milestone was when P was ready to use the smallest butt plug. It was about 3 or 4 weeks into her training schedule that P told me she had been successful in this deed. I expected to feel pride and elation. And yes I was happy for her. But I was also extremely sad and empty inside. Why? Because I hadn't been there to do it. Yes, I had been the one to take P's anal virginity. And because of that P always feels that her anus is my direct property to do with as I wish. May be even more so than any other part of her body. After taking that virginity, I had hoped that I would be the one to use a butt plug on her. But no, it was denied me. My emotions surrounding this simple act surprised me. I felt that something had been taken from me, that I had missed out. The emptiness of not being present to share in such a moment with my beloved sub was immense. Of course, I told her this and she was equally surprised by the sense of mourning and loss I described. Although she was naturally elated by her success, she was also sad that I had not been there to do it personally.
As I was mentally and emotionally stronger now, I moved past this sadness and turned a negative into a positive. I instructed P to continue to use the butt plug, and incorporate it with double entry using her vibrator or fingers. This would enable her to experiment with other positions in order for her to achieve this. Sometimes I would state whether she could obtain orgasm from this or not. P had also started to ask my permission to do this which also pleased me. P was learning well.
The other responsibility P had was to ensure she had all the clothes she needed for her school uniform. I had instructed the following: school skirt, white blouse, school tie, white cotton bra, white cotton panties, white socks and black sensible shoes. Her hair was to be worn in pigtails. P went to great lengths to ensure she obtained the correct items to my specifications. Her dedication was immense. The school tie was a real one from a local school. Her socks were her original ones from her school days. Her shopping days were spent perusing rails of school clothes that she could buy in her size. Shoes were newly purchased. And she knew exactly how I liked her hair to be worn. We both found this exciting and arousing. I aimed for P to have this outfit ready in time for her next visit at the end of July.
So despite our separation, we continued with our journey. We kept up the momentum and as the time drew nearer, we held more e-sessions where as well as giving P commands and orders, we shared mutual fantasies to keep up the excitement. School lessons was the main focus of our fantasies. When P did finally return, blouse hanging up in the back of her car, my stomach did somersaults.
Eight weeks. A long time. But we made it.
My instructions related to pussy and anal training. Even though I wouldn't be doing it myself, I knew that P would always be thinking of my voice, my words, my commands whenever she did her training. Pussy training centred on using her favourite vibrator to help stretch and relax her muscles. As P had not explored her pussy for a long time, it was tight and I had so far been unable to play with her as much as I wished to. I wanted to explore and bring her new sensations which I could use as part of orgasm denial. Her magical G-spot being one of the things I wanted to know intimately. Her vibrator was a good size, one which would stretch and fill her to my requirements. So this was one of her instructions.
Second was anal training. Now I had broken her anal virginity, I wanted to maintain it. We had read the anal sex books that P had bought and discovered interesting articles on anal training linked to BDSM. We agreed this was the best way forward for P. Initially, P was to explore her anus with her fingers. P had already tried this tentatively before visiting in May with a soapy fingertip when she showered. She was now commanded to do this daily if possible. And to use more than a fingertip. She also needed to explore herself in bed on a daily basis. I wanted her to progress from one finger to two and hopefully, to insert the smallest butt plug in her collection.
P was to update me on her progress on a regular basis through diaries and through our nightly online chats. Due to periods etc, I knew that P would not be able to perform her training every day. But with the length of time between our physical sessions, I knew there would be enough training days and nights for P to progress to a level that would be best for both of us.
Of course, little milestones were missed by me as her Lady during this time apart. The biggest milestone was when P was ready to use the smallest butt plug. It was about 3 or 4 weeks into her training schedule that P told me she had been successful in this deed. I expected to feel pride and elation. And yes I was happy for her. But I was also extremely sad and empty inside. Why? Because I hadn't been there to do it. Yes, I had been the one to take P's anal virginity. And because of that P always feels that her anus is my direct property to do with as I wish. May be even more so than any other part of her body. After taking that virginity, I had hoped that I would be the one to use a butt plug on her. But no, it was denied me. My emotions surrounding this simple act surprised me. I felt that something had been taken from me, that I had missed out. The emptiness of not being present to share in such a moment with my beloved sub was immense. Of course, I told her this and she was equally surprised by the sense of mourning and loss I described. Although she was naturally elated by her success, she was also sad that I had not been there to do it personally.
As I was mentally and emotionally stronger now, I moved past this sadness and turned a negative into a positive. I instructed P to continue to use the butt plug, and incorporate it with double entry using her vibrator or fingers. This would enable her to experiment with other positions in order for her to achieve this. Sometimes I would state whether she could obtain orgasm from this or not. P had also started to ask my permission to do this which also pleased me. P was learning well.
The other responsibility P had was to ensure she had all the clothes she needed for her school uniform. I had instructed the following: school skirt, white blouse, school tie, white cotton bra, white cotton panties, white socks and black sensible shoes. Her hair was to be worn in pigtails. P went to great lengths to ensure she obtained the correct items to my specifications. Her dedication was immense. The school tie was a real one from a local school. Her socks were her original ones from her school days. Her shopping days were spent perusing rails of school clothes that she could buy in her size. Shoes were newly purchased. And she knew exactly how I liked her hair to be worn. We both found this exciting and arousing. I aimed for P to have this outfit ready in time for her next visit at the end of July.
So despite our separation, we continued with our journey. We kept up the momentum and as the time drew nearer, we held more e-sessions where as well as giving P commands and orders, we shared mutual fantasies to keep up the excitement. School lessons was the main focus of our fantasies. When P did finally return, blouse hanging up in the back of her car, my stomach did somersaults.
Eight weeks. A long time. But we made it.
11 September 2009
New Explorations Part 3
I thought it would help to balance things a little if I posted some excerpts of P's diaries to me from our wonderful times back in May. Her diaries are always beautiful insights into what goes on in her pretty head...
"26.05.09:
I suspected that you were going to shave me in this session and it was going to be a very intimate and trusting thing to happen. While I’ve been able to trim myself, a complete shave wasn’t something I was going to be able to do alone. I can’t exactly explain why either. Having you do it though and lying so still while you focused on what you were doing was a very special moment, that I think brought us closer together. I trusted you completely to do it, possibly more than you did yourself, and being able to see you and the expression on your face made it more so. Part of it was you claiming further ownership on me, just like when you had me name the parts of my body that you own. In a small way it was also like a branding of my pussy to have you decide exactly how it was going to look. Seeing the final result in the mirror and knowing you did that was very very arousing, as was knowing you looked the same.
When you lay me down again and told me to close my eyes and trust you, I knew exactly what you were planning. I was trying so hard to relax and knew that would make it easier, thanks to my reading. It felt delightful as you smoothed the lube around, stroking me so carefully and I was more than ready for more. When you finally entered me, I can’t describe exactly how it felt, only that it seemed like I had been waiting an eternity and it was here at last. Another part of being owned by you, something that only you have done and it means so much to be that I could give that to you. When your whole finger was in and you wanted me to see it I was in heaven. The feelings were so different to anything else I’ve known. I know that I’m very tight and that it may take a while to progress but we now have a plan. We both want this very much and I’m going to try to so all that you ask of me to move it along. I didn’t want to do much beforehand as it didn’t seem right, that was your right to be first and I wanted the feelings to be made by you.
The whole session was a very intimate and special experience, very different from before, but I feel more like I belong to you than ever now and can never truly explain how important that is to me. It was arousing and erotic too but that was not the emphasis for me, ownership and bonding was."
"31.05.09:
I knew that you were going to finish shaving me. Kneeling on all fours and feeling you touching me again, knowing you were looking at my anus, felt even more intimate than Monday. I know exactly what the books mean about it all now, it is so much more intimate than before. It was more arousing in some ways as the head of the razor would brush my anus from time to time. I trusted you completely to do it.
I love watching you put on the pink glove and lubing it up, knowing exactly where it will be going next. I know I’ll relax faster and more easily with practice but it felt easier this time compared to Monday. Feeling your finger inside me again was so good so arousing, sliding gently in and out, no pain no discomfort. When you added the second one, even better, I felt very full but not in a bad way, just another new sensation. Moving in and out, sliding through my tight muscles, so arousing. Out even more than in, which was a surprise but I can understand why the beads might be very interesting now.
I can only thank you for starting my anal experiences so wonderfully. I know we have a plan in place so that we can move forward in our next session, and I will be more stretched and be able to go for longer than 15 minutes. I know you are concerned about losing the momentum between our sessions and it will take me a little time to get used to doing it. I’m going to have to start in the shower until I have gloves and lube myself, and it will take me a little time to do it for myself as well, the nerves will hit again no doubt, until I remember how good you made me feel...Even now I can say, no ill effects, no discomfort, nothing adverse at all. Other than missing you terribly and wanting to jump straight back in the car again."
"26.05.09:
I suspected that you were going to shave me in this session and it was going to be a very intimate and trusting thing to happen. While I’ve been able to trim myself, a complete shave wasn’t something I was going to be able to do alone. I can’t exactly explain why either. Having you do it though and lying so still while you focused on what you were doing was a very special moment, that I think brought us closer together. I trusted you completely to do it, possibly more than you did yourself, and being able to see you and the expression on your face made it more so. Part of it was you claiming further ownership on me, just like when you had me name the parts of my body that you own. In a small way it was also like a branding of my pussy to have you decide exactly how it was going to look. Seeing the final result in the mirror and knowing you did that was very very arousing, as was knowing you looked the same.
When you lay me down again and told me to close my eyes and trust you, I knew exactly what you were planning. I was trying so hard to relax and knew that would make it easier, thanks to my reading. It felt delightful as you smoothed the lube around, stroking me so carefully and I was more than ready for more. When you finally entered me, I can’t describe exactly how it felt, only that it seemed like I had been waiting an eternity and it was here at last. Another part of being owned by you, something that only you have done and it means so much to be that I could give that to you. When your whole finger was in and you wanted me to see it I was in heaven. The feelings were so different to anything else I’ve known. I know that I’m very tight and that it may take a while to progress but we now have a plan. We both want this very much and I’m going to try to so all that you ask of me to move it along. I didn’t want to do much beforehand as it didn’t seem right, that was your right to be first and I wanted the feelings to be made by you.
The whole session was a very intimate and special experience, very different from before, but I feel more like I belong to you than ever now and can never truly explain how important that is to me. It was arousing and erotic too but that was not the emphasis for me, ownership and bonding was."
"31.05.09:
I knew that you were going to finish shaving me. Kneeling on all fours and feeling you touching me again, knowing you were looking at my anus, felt even more intimate than Monday. I know exactly what the books mean about it all now, it is so much more intimate than before. It was more arousing in some ways as the head of the razor would brush my anus from time to time. I trusted you completely to do it.
I love watching you put on the pink glove and lubing it up, knowing exactly where it will be going next. I know I’ll relax faster and more easily with practice but it felt easier this time compared to Monday. Feeling your finger inside me again was so good so arousing, sliding gently in and out, no pain no discomfort. When you added the second one, even better, I felt very full but not in a bad way, just another new sensation. Moving in and out, sliding through my tight muscles, so arousing. Out even more than in, which was a surprise but I can understand why the beads might be very interesting now.
I can only thank you for starting my anal experiences so wonderfully. I know we have a plan in place so that we can move forward in our next session, and I will be more stretched and be able to go for longer than 15 minutes. I know you are concerned about losing the momentum between our sessions and it will take me a little time to get used to doing it. I’m going to have to start in the shower until I have gloves and lube myself, and it will take me a little time to do it for myself as well, the nerves will hit again no doubt, until I remember how good you made me feel...Even now I can say, no ill effects, no discomfort, nothing adverse at all. Other than missing you terribly and wanting to jump straight back in the car again."
09 September 2009
New Explorations Part 2
I used the shaving of P to be the starting to point to anal play. P would have suspected I was leading up to this with our conversations prior to our meetings in May, and also the books that P had bought. But now the moment had come for me to take the final step and claim her anal virginity. She was on her back on the bed with her legs bent up. I put on my pink latex glove and smoothed our favourite lube over a finger. I rubbed the lube around her anus and caressed her gently, reassuring her. Then I entered her with one finger slowly. P wasn't bound or gagged. I wanted her first time to be an enjoyable experience with freedom to express herself. P's moans and groans told me all I needed to know. But this was my moment as much as hers. Her one virginity I could take, completely and utterly mine. No one elses. Mine to take. I felt her tightness, her heat, her pulsing rectum around my finger. And it felt sweet.
Once I had my finger fully inserted up to the knuckle, I held it there for a while so P could get used to it. I stroked inside her, teasing her sensitive lining. Causing her a new range of feelings and sensations. Allowing her a tantalising glimpse of the beauty of anal play. Then I began to thrust it gently and evenly. In and out. Keeping up an even pace. Nothing to frighten, nothing to hurt, only to arouse and gauge P's reactions. Everything that she had read, everything that she had devoured about anal play could not have prepared her for how it really felt. Add to that the fact it was her Lady doing it, only sealed my domination over her. I totally owned her now, mind body and soul.
Obviously P was tight so I didn't overdo the anal play. A few minutes was all I needed to claim P in every sense. I had explored every part of her in our few sessions since March. But this was only the beginning. Later that night we read some of her books together. Those books helped us to talk to each other about anal play. I was able to instruct her on what kind of training I wanted her to do in our long absence when she finally left me. It would be 8 weeks until we would meet again at the end of July. 8 long weeks when the momentum could be lost. One of the books had a very informative passage about anal and BDSM. But those weeks would also give P time to explore herself and become accustomed to anal play. Of course it wasn't the same thing as being there and doing it myself. But I was conscious that our long absences could damage the progress we had made. Her training would be for pussy and anus, ensuring I kept mental control of both. Ensuring that P was fully prepared for our next meeting, and others afterwards. Even if we were miles apart, I would send her emails that she had to comply with, and her weekly diaries would inform me of her progress. Online chats became e-sessions where I could control and instruct her as well as share mutual fantasises. And the one thing that bound us both was trust. I trusted her to do as I told her, and when we were online together, she followed all my instructions.
I'm sure for many experiences D's, this is all child's play. But for us, it was the start of a new and exciting path together.
Once I had my finger fully inserted up to the knuckle, I held it there for a while so P could get used to it. I stroked inside her, teasing her sensitive lining. Causing her a new range of feelings and sensations. Allowing her a tantalising glimpse of the beauty of anal play. Then I began to thrust it gently and evenly. In and out. Keeping up an even pace. Nothing to frighten, nothing to hurt, only to arouse and gauge P's reactions. Everything that she had read, everything that she had devoured about anal play could not have prepared her for how it really felt. Add to that the fact it was her Lady doing it, only sealed my domination over her. I totally owned her now, mind body and soul.
Obviously P was tight so I didn't overdo the anal play. A few minutes was all I needed to claim P in every sense. I had explored every part of her in our few sessions since March. But this was only the beginning. Later that night we read some of her books together. Those books helped us to talk to each other about anal play. I was able to instruct her on what kind of training I wanted her to do in our long absence when she finally left me. It would be 8 weeks until we would meet again at the end of July. 8 long weeks when the momentum could be lost. One of the books had a very informative passage about anal and BDSM. But those weeks would also give P time to explore herself and become accustomed to anal play. Of course it wasn't the same thing as being there and doing it myself. But I was conscious that our long absences could damage the progress we had made. Her training would be for pussy and anus, ensuring I kept mental control of both. Ensuring that P was fully prepared for our next meeting, and others afterwards. Even if we were miles apart, I would send her emails that she had to comply with, and her weekly diaries would inform me of her progress. Online chats became e-sessions where I could control and instruct her as well as share mutual fantasises. And the one thing that bound us both was trust. I trusted her to do as I told her, and when we were online together, she followed all my instructions.
I'm sure for many experiences D's, this is all child's play. But for us, it was the start of a new and exciting path together.
08 September 2009
New Explorations Part 1
Our sessions in May were the start of something new. When I had first discussed with P what her hard and soft boundaries were, anal play had been somewhere between the two. It wasn't something she was interested in. Now as her Domme, I could still have inflicted it upon her as punishment. However, if P had such strong, negative feelings about it, I believed that there would be little gained from trying to force the issue. As it was P didn't have specifically strong or negative issues. If anything, P was indifferent to it. She hadn't thought about it for her own (or anyone elses) pleasure. She had explored it briefly with an ex b/f but the experience hadn't been enjoyable. As it was, it was P herself who came round to the idea.
Since we had started on our journey together, I had encouraged P to read, read and read up on BDSM and all its connotations. Not just facts like how to do something, what to do if or what should I do but to read up on personal experiences. The more P read, the more her boundaries began to change. She wanted to serve, to please, to submit completely. She wanted to experience the conflict of pleasure from pain, punishment, compliance, humility, servitude, joy and complete abandonment. And it was this path, that led P to opening her mind to anal play. She showed me a particular fiction story about anal play which struck a chord with her. A chord that resonated and sang to her.
I encouraged this chord to sing louder. I suggested to P that she should buy some books on certain things and one of them was anal play. Once P read the book, her interest in anal play went up several levels. We started to talk about it more openly and P expressed her wish that she wanted to explore anal play. She had read how anal play was seen as the ultimate submission by many subs and wanted me to be the one to take her anal 'virginity'. This excited me so much. To be given the opportunity to do this, and also for P to be so willing, wanting and accepting.
When P visited in May, I had plans for this to be the first time I would make this a part of our sessions. Shaving her pussy, branding her to my liking, making her mine was all part of the increased intimacy between us. Enhancing the bonding process. And it would be a natural progression to introducing anal play. I knew that P was excited about it happening, she just didn't know when. And I like to keep things unexpected, retain the element of surprise. To make each session memorable in some way. I was just as excited. For P to give me this ultimate act of submission was thrilling but I also had a sense of pride in being the one to introduce her to anal play. And that she trusted me to be the one to do it. P trusted me not just because she did, she also knew I had previous experience with anal play. That experience was part of her trust in me. Even so, it was another responsibility for me as her Domme.
Was I scared? Yes. Did it stop me? No.
Since we had started on our journey together, I had encouraged P to read, read and read up on BDSM and all its connotations. Not just facts like how to do something, what to do if or what should I do but to read up on personal experiences. The more P read, the more her boundaries began to change. She wanted to serve, to please, to submit completely. She wanted to experience the conflict of pleasure from pain, punishment, compliance, humility, servitude, joy and complete abandonment. And it was this path, that led P to opening her mind to anal play. She showed me a particular fiction story about anal play which struck a chord with her. A chord that resonated and sang to her.
I encouraged this chord to sing louder. I suggested to P that she should buy some books on certain things and one of them was anal play. Once P read the book, her interest in anal play went up several levels. We started to talk about it more openly and P expressed her wish that she wanted to explore anal play. She had read how anal play was seen as the ultimate submission by many subs and wanted me to be the one to take her anal 'virginity'. This excited me so much. To be given the opportunity to do this, and also for P to be so willing, wanting and accepting.
When P visited in May, I had plans for this to be the first time I would make this a part of our sessions. Shaving her pussy, branding her to my liking, making her mine was all part of the increased intimacy between us. Enhancing the bonding process. And it would be a natural progression to introducing anal play. I knew that P was excited about it happening, she just didn't know when. And I like to keep things unexpected, retain the element of surprise. To make each session memorable in some way. I was just as excited. For P to give me this ultimate act of submission was thrilling but I also had a sense of pride in being the one to introduce her to anal play. And that she trusted me to be the one to do it. P trusted me not just because she did, she also knew I had previous experience with anal play. That experience was part of her trust in me. Even so, it was another responsibility for me as her Domme.
Was I scared? Yes. Did it stop me? No.
07 September 2009
Moving Forward
Now that my mind and soul were settled, I no longer suffered anxieties in the run up to P's next visit at the end of May. P stayed with me for a few days, so I was able to plan more than one session and maintain momentum. I had discussed with P my wish that her pussy be shaved nude. I also wanted to be the one to do it. As part of our continuity. P had trimmed herself neatly but struggled to go further. Mentally it was an issue as she had never done it before. So I decided that I would do it first. It enabled me to learn how I would perform the same act upon her. I now ensure that I am nude and shaved. I love it and embrace it. Knowing that in this small way we were one and the same.
The interim period we were apart I had instructed P to gather together a specific 'costume' as part of a shared fantasy. P had been buying the items to construct her own school uniform. I would be her 'headmistress' who 'trained' pupils to be hussies. It's something that works for us, especially for P as it is the ultimate exchange of power and responsibility and marries quite well with her day job. By the time she arrived in May, P had most of the outfit, though the completed costume would materialise later in the summer. But school skirt and white blouse with her long hair in pigtails was more than enough to start with! P also brought some new toys that I had asked her to purchase.
I had started to stand with my back to her when P first entered the room. It gave me a sense of strength from the beginning, with P kneeling behind me. I could see her reflection in the mirror and know what effect I was having upon her. The power I felt rippling through me was immense. The adrenalin all consuming. I made her kiss my shoes, show me her devotion. So arousing. I instructed P to tell me what I owned, what parts of her body. P hesitated at first as she was unused to speaking this out loud. I made her name each part from her head to her toes and all points in between. Again, I felt an overwhelming sense of power envelope me. When it does, the arousal levels increase and I can feel myself get so wet. Afterwards, I made P strip off her skirt and blouse. Then I ordered her to show me the new toys from the toy box. This she did happily. May be to her disappointment, I ordered her to put them away again. Then I made P remove the rest of her lingerie until she was naked. I made her stand in front of the mirror as part of accepting her body which she had become mentally detached from. Although she still felt uncomfortable being forced to see herself, each time she does so is a little longer.
Then I commenced with the intimate act of shaving her pussy. P suspected that I would do this and of course seeing the paraphernalia laid out with a bowl of water confirmed those suspicions. I was nervous. I didn't want to hurt her, cut her. I asked if she trusted me, P said she did with all her heart. As P was trimmed, the task was made easier. However, I didn't want to rush it either. I wanted to ensure it was to my requirements. But I wanted it to be part of the whole bonding experience. To mentally and physically bond P to me as my sub. That P would never allow anyone else to do this and apart from herself, no one else would touch her pussy again.
The slow strokes of the razor, the foam that caressed her skin, the warmth of the water - it all added to the atmosphere between us. I don't remember how long it took for me to shave her, it doesn't matter. When it was done, I bade P to stand so she could see herself in the mirror. The look on her face was priceless. Her eyes shone and a small smile flickered across her face. When she turned to look at me, I saw only devotion and submissiveness in P's eyes. And pride. In a way I had marked her. I instructed P that she was to maintain this from now on. And as we were also moving forward into the realms of anal play, I would also want her to be shaved there too. (I shall blog more on this; our discussions and how P switched from seeing anal as a 'red' zone, to one she desired.)
The rest of the session was my continued claiming of her body in the way I desired, using and bending her to my will. Teaching P that she is there for my pleasure, anything she gains from it is incidental. Any orgasm is at my discretion. Training, claiming and ownership. Now she knew how I wanted her most intimate parts of her body to look, P knew how much control I was exerting upon her. Not just physically but mentally. And her diaries reflected just how much I was inside her head. It made me smile with triumph. We were indeed moving forward.
The interim period we were apart I had instructed P to gather together a specific 'costume' as part of a shared fantasy. P had been buying the items to construct her own school uniform. I would be her 'headmistress' who 'trained' pupils to be hussies. It's something that works for us, especially for P as it is the ultimate exchange of power and responsibility and marries quite well with her day job. By the time she arrived in May, P had most of the outfit, though the completed costume would materialise later in the summer. But school skirt and white blouse with her long hair in pigtails was more than enough to start with! P also brought some new toys that I had asked her to purchase.
I had started to stand with my back to her when P first entered the room. It gave me a sense of strength from the beginning, with P kneeling behind me. I could see her reflection in the mirror and know what effect I was having upon her. The power I felt rippling through me was immense. The adrenalin all consuming. I made her kiss my shoes, show me her devotion. So arousing. I instructed P to tell me what I owned, what parts of her body. P hesitated at first as she was unused to speaking this out loud. I made her name each part from her head to her toes and all points in between. Again, I felt an overwhelming sense of power envelope me. When it does, the arousal levels increase and I can feel myself get so wet. Afterwards, I made P strip off her skirt and blouse. Then I ordered her to show me the new toys from the toy box. This she did happily. May be to her disappointment, I ordered her to put them away again. Then I made P remove the rest of her lingerie until she was naked. I made her stand in front of the mirror as part of accepting her body which she had become mentally detached from. Although she still felt uncomfortable being forced to see herself, each time she does so is a little longer.
Then I commenced with the intimate act of shaving her pussy. P suspected that I would do this and of course seeing the paraphernalia laid out with a bowl of water confirmed those suspicions. I was nervous. I didn't want to hurt her, cut her. I asked if she trusted me, P said she did with all her heart. As P was trimmed, the task was made easier. However, I didn't want to rush it either. I wanted to ensure it was to my requirements. But I wanted it to be part of the whole bonding experience. To mentally and physically bond P to me as my sub. That P would never allow anyone else to do this and apart from herself, no one else would touch her pussy again.
The slow strokes of the razor, the foam that caressed her skin, the warmth of the water - it all added to the atmosphere between us. I don't remember how long it took for me to shave her, it doesn't matter. When it was done, I bade P to stand so she could see herself in the mirror. The look on her face was priceless. Her eyes shone and a small smile flickered across her face. When she turned to look at me, I saw only devotion and submissiveness in P's eyes. And pride. In a way I had marked her. I instructed P that she was to maintain this from now on. And as we were also moving forward into the realms of anal play, I would also want her to be shaved there too. (I shall blog more on this; our discussions and how P switched from seeing anal as a 'red' zone, to one she desired.)
The rest of the session was my continued claiming of her body in the way I desired, using and bending her to my will. Teaching P that she is there for my pleasure, anything she gains from it is incidental. Any orgasm is at my discretion. Training, claiming and ownership. Now she knew how I wanted her most intimate parts of her body to look, P knew how much control I was exerting upon her. Not just physically but mentally. And her diaries reflected just how much I was inside her head. It made me smile with triumph. We were indeed moving forward.
18 August 2009
Meltdown
After the highs of session, come the incredible lows. I had read all about Domme drop but experiencing it is something else. Whenever P left me, I was overcome with emotion. The first parting was akin to having an arm ripped from me. The crash would take a couple of days to work through before I would emerge from the other side. I relied on Jay a lot in those dark days when I wrestled with my conscience. Then when P left after staying with me for Easter, I hit rock bottom. It took a few days for me to slide down to it, but when I got there, I went into meltdown. And I wrote to P...
"I’ve been thinking this last week about what we’ve started and where we’re going. I know that I always think too much and analysis but I can’t seem to shake off certain feelings. Sometimes I feel so incredibly guilty over what I do to you and can’t seem to reconcile myself with it. This side of me is sometimes too strong to handle, and very overwhelming. I was hoping it would settle down once we’d had a couple of sessions but it hasn’t. How I felt last Sunday scared me, I was an emotional wreck and I lost it big time. I am having great difficulty reconciling myself to being dominant and I don’t feel comfortable or confident in the role. I know that as we e-chat, talking to each other face to face is problematic, but I really can’t seem to find any words to say. My mouth goes dry; I shake and feel ashamed of everything. Unless I can accept and understand this part of me and find peace and happiness there, I will just continue to beat myself up over this and make myself even more upset than I already am. I know this will upset you as you are so very sure and certain of your true self. And I am so so sorry for that. But I am not so sure or certain. You can reply without hesitation that you know it was the right thing for you and it makes you so happy. I can’t say that. I always hesitate and have doubts, fears and anxieties. If I feel like this now, then I don’t think I will ever change.
I really don’t know who I am anymore or what I am. I think I need to take a step back and think things through. I need to know if this is the right decision for me or not. I don’t know how long this will take or what the outcome will be. I know this will upset you and I truly don’t know what else to say other than I am so so sorry and feel so ashamed and guilty at having shown you a glimpse of happiness, only to take it away from you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me and I don’t seek it from you. You may not even understand why. All I do ask is that you don’t hate me."
I sent the email and didn't expect to hear from P again. However, as she often tells me, it only proved to me how stubborn she is, as well as how much of a friend she is too. Her reply was short and succinct until we were able to chat later:
"I knew something was wrong...You know I'd never knowingly hurt you and the fact that you have been hurt upsets me more than any decisions you might make. We don't have to talk every night and if you need space then that is not a problem. Yes I enjoy our chats but your happiness is more important. You are very special to me, even more so than She is, and having your friendship in my life makes me happier than anything. I want you to be happy, relaxed and comfortable around me otherwise you won't want to spend time with me, and I'll do anything I can to help with that. If it means giving up my Lady, then I will do that too, you are a very special person. Perhaps a line was crossed last week but I'm not going to regret it. Life is just too short for regrets, you told me that."
So there I was at rock bottom. I could either throw it all away or drag myself up by my boots and accept myself. And that's when I began my slow turnaround. It took me the remaining few weeks until P returned to me to go through the process of acceptance and be fully prepared for our next sessions. After all the turmoil, I can honestly say the journey has been hard, but worth it. For now I am reconciled to my inner self, fully embracing of it and all it entails. And I know that P is even more happy that I am finally happy too.
"I’ve been thinking this last week about what we’ve started and where we’re going. I know that I always think too much and analysis but I can’t seem to shake off certain feelings. Sometimes I feel so incredibly guilty over what I do to you and can’t seem to reconcile myself with it. This side of me is sometimes too strong to handle, and very overwhelming. I was hoping it would settle down once we’d had a couple of sessions but it hasn’t. How I felt last Sunday scared me, I was an emotional wreck and I lost it big time. I am having great difficulty reconciling myself to being dominant and I don’t feel comfortable or confident in the role. I know that as we e-chat, talking to each other face to face is problematic, but I really can’t seem to find any words to say. My mouth goes dry; I shake and feel ashamed of everything. Unless I can accept and understand this part of me and find peace and happiness there, I will just continue to beat myself up over this and make myself even more upset than I already am. I know this will upset you as you are so very sure and certain of your true self. And I am so so sorry for that. But I am not so sure or certain. You can reply without hesitation that you know it was the right thing for you and it makes you so happy. I can’t say that. I always hesitate and have doubts, fears and anxieties. If I feel like this now, then I don’t think I will ever change.
I really don’t know who I am anymore or what I am. I think I need to take a step back and think things through. I need to know if this is the right decision for me or not. I don’t know how long this will take or what the outcome will be. I know this will upset you and I truly don’t know what else to say other than I am so so sorry and feel so ashamed and guilty at having shown you a glimpse of happiness, only to take it away from you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me and I don’t seek it from you. You may not even understand why. All I do ask is that you don’t hate me."
I sent the email and didn't expect to hear from P again. However, as she often tells me, it only proved to me how stubborn she is, as well as how much of a friend she is too. Her reply was short and succinct until we were able to chat later:
"I knew something was wrong...You know I'd never knowingly hurt you and the fact that you have been hurt upsets me more than any decisions you might make. We don't have to talk every night and if you need space then that is not a problem. Yes I enjoy our chats but your happiness is more important. You are very special to me, even more so than She is, and having your friendship in my life makes me happier than anything. I want you to be happy, relaxed and comfortable around me otherwise you won't want to spend time with me, and I'll do anything I can to help with that. If it means giving up my Lady, then I will do that too, you are a very special person. Perhaps a line was crossed last week but I'm not going to regret it. Life is just too short for regrets, you told me that."
So there I was at rock bottom. I could either throw it all away or drag myself up by my boots and accept myself. And that's when I began my slow turnaround. It took me the remaining few weeks until P returned to me to go through the process of acceptance and be fully prepared for our next sessions. After all the turmoil, I can honestly say the journey has been hard, but worth it. For now I am reconciled to my inner self, fully embracing of it and all it entails. And I know that P is even more happy that I am finally happy too.
My own Easter thoughts
As I always want both sides of the story to be told, here are some of my own thoughts on Easter which I sent to P. I was still going through emotional turmoil at this time and some of my diaries to P reflected those insecurities:
"So lovely to have you back with us again. 4 weeks. Sometimes it’s almost surreal, the journey, the friendship, everything. I have also been very emotional this weekend... All these weeks of anticipation, fretting, nerves. All I know is that when we are together... I feel complete inside. I hope She is still what you hoped for, what you want in a D. I find little aspects of her creeping through in quiet moments between us. But I don’t want Her to become me. It’s always surreal when we leave the room and go back into the living room that everything switches back to normal. Shopping in Sin Sins was very fulfilling. I think you can see why I love the shop so much. I hope it gave you a few ideas! But I also hope it didn’t scare you too much, but to be honest, some of the stuff there isn’t to my liking either. It’s all about personal taste and preferences. Sunday – I have too many emotions still inside me. I fear that I may have overstepped the mark. I have set boundaries for a reason, to keep Her separate from me. But showing you my new lingerie that I had chosen, flaunting myself in front of you, rubbing and teasing. That was something else. I wondered if I came across too strong, too hard. All the little fantasies emerging. I do feel we are getting closer as D/s and bonding in a truer sense. And although we discussed exploring and stretching your boundaries, I don’t want you to be too scared to tell me when to stop or you don’t like something. It is supposed to bring pleasure to both of us, and not be a one sided affair."
"So lovely to have you back with us again. 4 weeks. Sometimes it’s almost surreal, the journey, the friendship, everything. I have also been very emotional this weekend... All these weeks of anticipation, fretting, nerves. All I know is that when we are together... I feel complete inside. I hope She is still what you hoped for, what you want in a D. I find little aspects of her creeping through in quiet moments between us. But I don’t want Her to become me. It’s always surreal when we leave the room and go back into the living room that everything switches back to normal. Shopping in Sin Sins was very fulfilling. I think you can see why I love the shop so much. I hope it gave you a few ideas! But I also hope it didn’t scare you too much, but to be honest, some of the stuff there isn’t to my liking either. It’s all about personal taste and preferences. Sunday – I have too many emotions still inside me. I fear that I may have overstepped the mark. I have set boundaries for a reason, to keep Her separate from me. But showing you my new lingerie that I had chosen, flaunting myself in front of you, rubbing and teasing. That was something else. I wondered if I came across too strong, too hard. All the little fantasies emerging. I do feel we are getting closer as D/s and bonding in a truer sense. And although we discussed exploring and stretching your boundaries, I don’t want you to be too scared to tell me when to stop or you don’t like something. It is supposed to bring pleasure to both of us, and not be a one sided affair."
17 August 2009
An Easter to remember
Easter was the next time P came down to visit. It was a delicious mixture of friendship, close personal time and the continuation of our bonding with two sessions. I will let extracts of P's diaries to me explain how things developed.
"Our session was wonderful, it was so good to be able to kneel before you again and it felt so right. To feel your touch on my skin again, be it hard or soft. My Lady is everything I could hope for and more. I treasure our time together. You pushed me almost to my limits and I was momentarily tempted to use my safe-word. My nipples were so sensitive when you placed the bells on for the second time, but I still didn’t want to stop. I’m as curious to know exactly where my limits are as you are. I feel so alive in session, dressed or undressed to please you. I was so aroused by ALL of your actions, the sights of your tanned hands on my white skin, looking into your eyes as you touch me. Watching you put on the pink gloves was very erotic, knowing you would be touching me so intimately with them. The different lubes were interesting sensations and I thank you for being permitted to choose which I preferred. I was so aroused by your actions and treatment and watching you do it all. I wish you didn’t have to take my word for it, but could have seen the evidence for yourself. When you started to use my bullet on me, I was in heaven, so sensitive so ready so aroused. Then to finally manage to cum for you must show how you affect me, and for it to have happened several times! I’ve only ever cum once in the presence of someone else but this was also when someone else was touching me and several on the run, all firsts for me, and I will be forever grateful to you for them. It was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced. Then to be able to lie in your arms afterwards was so calming, I know I was shaking and my heart beating so fast. I do truly feel at peace when I do though."
"We then had another incredible session. You looked so wonderful in the babydoll, so erotic and beautiful, I was honoured. What you said and did in the session wasn’t too much at all. I loved it, hearing you talk about fantasies I’ve shared with you and be teased with aspects of them. Feeling your body rub against mine was very arousing, knowing that you were affected by our session too. Your body is so beautiful I loved being able to see it, and the thought that one day I might be allowed to serve you in some way is mind-blowing. I will admit I pretty much hit my pain limit, or at any rate my current one this time, although I was fascinated by the colour it resulted in. Yet I still wasn’t ready to say my safe-word. I do think that we are bonding as D/s and know you are learning to read my body and my reactions. I do wish I was more able to talk to you in session though, I know you want me to, I hope that each time I can say a little more. I was getting a few little reminders of the session when I was sitting on the floor later on."
"Our session was wonderful, it was so good to be able to kneel before you again and it felt so right. To feel your touch on my skin again, be it hard or soft. My Lady is everything I could hope for and more. I treasure our time together. You pushed me almost to my limits and I was momentarily tempted to use my safe-word. My nipples were so sensitive when you placed the bells on for the second time, but I still didn’t want to stop. I’m as curious to know exactly where my limits are as you are. I feel so alive in session, dressed or undressed to please you. I was so aroused by ALL of your actions, the sights of your tanned hands on my white skin, looking into your eyes as you touch me. Watching you put on the pink gloves was very erotic, knowing you would be touching me so intimately with them. The different lubes were interesting sensations and I thank you for being permitted to choose which I preferred. I was so aroused by your actions and treatment and watching you do it all. I wish you didn’t have to take my word for it, but could have seen the evidence for yourself. When you started to use my bullet on me, I was in heaven, so sensitive so ready so aroused. Then to finally manage to cum for you must show how you affect me, and for it to have happened several times! I’ve only ever cum once in the presence of someone else but this was also when someone else was touching me and several on the run, all firsts for me, and I will be forever grateful to you for them. It was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced. Then to be able to lie in your arms afterwards was so calming, I know I was shaking and my heart beating so fast. I do truly feel at peace when I do though."
"We then had another incredible session. You looked so wonderful in the babydoll, so erotic and beautiful, I was honoured. What you said and did in the session wasn’t too much at all. I loved it, hearing you talk about fantasies I’ve shared with you and be teased with aspects of them. Feeling your body rub against mine was very arousing, knowing that you were affected by our session too. Your body is so beautiful I loved being able to see it, and the thought that one day I might be allowed to serve you in some way is mind-blowing. I will admit I pretty much hit my pain limit, or at any rate my current one this time, although I was fascinated by the colour it resulted in. Yet I still wasn’t ready to say my safe-word. I do think that we are bonding as D/s and know you are learning to read my body and my reactions. I do wish I was more able to talk to you in session though, I know you want me to, I hope that each time I can say a little more. I was getting a few little reminders of the session when I was sitting on the floor later on."
25 July 2009
She is here
And I am complete
For tomorrow she will kneel at my feet
And offer herself
For me to enjoy
For me to retrain
For me to restrain
For me to inspect
For me to punish
For me to love
For tomorrow she will kneel at my feet
And offer herself
For me to enjoy
For me to retrain
For me to restrain
For me to inspect
For me to punish
For me to love
24 July 2009
I want you to use me
P said those words to me two night ago when we were chatting online. Never have six words had so much impact on me before. She was sincere, honest, open, truthful and trusting of me that I could use her how I wished without breaking our trust or her hard boundaries. I admit my mind raced as soon as the words appeared in my chat window.
BDSM is all about three words - safe, sane and consensual. Safe - in that the people involved do not intentionally harm one another and all precautions are taken. Sane - it's not part of a crazed idea which would be both unsafe and insane. Consensual - both parties consent to acts that have been openly discussed or give their consent to acts that are within pre-determined boundaries. So using P has to remain within those parameters. If it doesn't then I am abusing her, and not 'using' her for my own (and her) pleasure.
Of course, we have established a level of trust over the last six months which means that we 'know' that what we choose to do isn't abuse. We are still on our bonding path and I always strive to ensure that whatever I do with P, it is safe, absolutely sane and consensual. Part of this is sharing fantasies, discussing articles or scenes we have read or just letting our imaginations go for a while. And another part of that allowing me to trust myself as P's Dominant not to let us down. That I know just how far I can push her, that I know where to draw the line and when to stop.
But that doesn't stop me from becoming excited beyond reason when I realise what I could do with P. All the possibilities laid bare before me are spine tingling, erotic, arousing and mind blowing. Novice that I am, I sometimes feel that what I experience is nothing new to many other Dominant out there with far more knowledge than I. However, we each have our own individual journeys and none are the same. All our paths are different. But I suspect that we all go through similar issues at some point on those paths.
I suspect that no matter how long P and I are together, I will always go weak at the knees when she says to me 'I want you to use me.' Inside my heart and stomach will leap, tie up in knots, my mind will go wild and I will think some dark desires that although may initially unnerve me, I will succumb and use her. For my own pleasure. And I will love every second.
BDSM is all about three words - safe, sane and consensual. Safe - in that the people involved do not intentionally harm one another and all precautions are taken. Sane - it's not part of a crazed idea which would be both unsafe and insane. Consensual - both parties consent to acts that have been openly discussed or give their consent to acts that are within pre-determined boundaries. So using P has to remain within those parameters. If it doesn't then I am abusing her, and not 'using' her for my own (and her) pleasure.
Of course, we have established a level of trust over the last six months which means that we 'know' that what we choose to do isn't abuse. We are still on our bonding path and I always strive to ensure that whatever I do with P, it is safe, absolutely sane and consensual. Part of this is sharing fantasies, discussing articles or scenes we have read or just letting our imaginations go for a while. And another part of that allowing me to trust myself as P's Dominant not to let us down. That I know just how far I can push her, that I know where to draw the line and when to stop.
But that doesn't stop me from becoming excited beyond reason when I realise what I could do with P. All the possibilities laid bare before me are spine tingling, erotic, arousing and mind blowing. Novice that I am, I sometimes feel that what I experience is nothing new to many other Dominant out there with far more knowledge than I. However, we each have our own individual journeys and none are the same. All our paths are different. But I suspect that we all go through similar issues at some point on those paths.
I suspect that no matter how long P and I are together, I will always go weak at the knees when she says to me 'I want you to use me.' Inside my heart and stomach will leap, tie up in knots, my mind will go wild and I will think some dark desires that although may initially unnerve me, I will succumb and use her. For my own pleasure. And I will love every second.
21 July 2009
Acceptance
My journey has been all about that, acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what it means to me, the changes in my life, the new direction it takes, and the new person in my life who I now have a certain level of responsibility for. I openly admit it has been hard, with a lot of soul searching, pain and suppressed emotions. I had often thought the origins of my dominant trait linked back to when I was abused and it was just my mental payback for what happened. Seemed like a logical explanation. But as I grew from teens to adulthood, I still had my dominant fantasies. I suppressed them so they only existed in my head, at night when I lay alone in my bed. And used them to help get me aroused and excited. I felt guilty for doing it, for using faceless men to enact my heartless actions upon.
I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.
One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.
I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.
After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.
The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.
Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.
So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.
I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.
One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.
I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.
After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.
The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.
Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.
So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.
My toy
She has
Her instructions
Her lists to write
To present to me soon
To be prepared
In mind, body and soul
For my inspection
And my pleasure
For that is what she is
Her instructions
Her lists to write
To present to me soon
To be prepared
In mind, body and soul
For my inspection
And my pleasure
For that is what she is
20 July 2009
Reminders
They may only be little things, but there are things that connect us even when we are apart. Things that remind me of when P was here. Like sand in my car, a hair on the car seat, her smell on my pillow. The one main reminder of her is located in my airing cupboard. It's her kneeling cushion. It's fluffy and a light brown colour. A neat square of kneeling perfection. When P departed after our first weekend, she accidentally left the cushion behind. I emailed her to ask if she had left it on purpose and P replied that she had completely forgotten to take it with her. However we were both glad she had. It was something tangible, something real that I could touch, hold and snuggle into whenever I missed her. And I admit I missed her, a lot.
I found that having the cushion out in plain sight made the absence worse. The reminder was too much to bear. So I put the cushion away in the airing cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was for a couple of weeks. Until P & I set our next date, Easter and she would be able to stay with me for over a week. A luxury for both of us. I was missing P in so many different ways. First as my friend. The weekend we spent together had enabled us to spend precious time together. We went out for drives along the coast, long walks on beaches, shopped together, ate and drank together. Laughed, shared stories and watched favourite films together. Bonding on a different level entirely compared to the D/s relationship.
As her Domme, the relationship had only just started. But my heart already ached for her. Inside there was a hole in my soul. I was missing a vital link, a part of me had departed and we were separated by miles and miles and miles. I missed her presence, her submissive soul, her entire being. I was almost bereft and I cried many tears in the first few days after she left. I wasn't prepared for such an emotional response. I knew that I would have to overcome this melancholy otherwise it would impinge on real life.
Once a new date had been set, I looked at the cushion more often. Then I began to take it out and hold it. I could feel P's presence on it and it made my Domme heart sing. So I kept putting it back. Until the day before she returned, then I removed it and placed it on what would be her bed for the duration of her stay. Where it should be, waiting for her to return.
P always leaves the cushion behind now. She discovered that it wasn't quite sufficient for her kneeling needs and is currently seeking a new one. But nothing will ever replace that cushion. She knows it helps me to get through the days and weeks until we meet again. I have struggled with the emotions within me when we are apart and gradually found ways to adapt so that I can carry on with real life and yet look forward to the next meetings rather than look back with sadness at the time lost.
There are so many reminders of her when she isn't here. And they linger for days after she has gone. But the cushion is a permanent reminder and will always be here, waiting for when she returns.
I found that having the cushion out in plain sight made the absence worse. The reminder was too much to bear. So I put the cushion away in the airing cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was for a couple of weeks. Until P & I set our next date, Easter and she would be able to stay with me for over a week. A luxury for both of us. I was missing P in so many different ways. First as my friend. The weekend we spent together had enabled us to spend precious time together. We went out for drives along the coast, long walks on beaches, shopped together, ate and drank together. Laughed, shared stories and watched favourite films together. Bonding on a different level entirely compared to the D/s relationship.
As her Domme, the relationship had only just started. But my heart already ached for her. Inside there was a hole in my soul. I was missing a vital link, a part of me had departed and we were separated by miles and miles and miles. I missed her presence, her submissive soul, her entire being. I was almost bereft and I cried many tears in the first few days after she left. I wasn't prepared for such an emotional response. I knew that I would have to overcome this melancholy otherwise it would impinge on real life.
Once a new date had been set, I looked at the cushion more often. Then I began to take it out and hold it. I could feel P's presence on it and it made my Domme heart sing. So I kept putting it back. Until the day before she returned, then I removed it and placed it on what would be her bed for the duration of her stay. Where it should be, waiting for her to return.
P always leaves the cushion behind now. She discovered that it wasn't quite sufficient for her kneeling needs and is currently seeking a new one. But nothing will ever replace that cushion. She knows it helps me to get through the days and weeks until we meet again. I have struggled with the emotions within me when we are apart and gradually found ways to adapt so that I can carry on with real life and yet look forward to the next meetings rather than look back with sadness at the time lost.
There are so many reminders of her when she isn't here. And they linger for days after she has gone. But the cushion is a permanent reminder and will always be here, waiting for when she returns.
19 July 2009
First session Part 2
And now for Part 2, which is my turn...
"How do I put down in words the last 48 hours or so? I don’t think I can begin to describe it as it should be described. I was extremely nervous and emotional on Saturday. Whenever you were bending over in the kitchen or just walking by, I couldn’t help myself from looking at you and your bum. I wondered if you felt my eyes on you? I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to go through with it. More nerves as we got ready. Did I look right? What would I say? How would I say it? Would I be convincing? What if I couldn’t speak? My mouth went dry? All these things and more. I set up the bed and sat there my heart pounding like never before.
When you first knelt in front of me, it was almost surreal. All the weeks of preparation and waiting had come to this. The nerves probably showed in my voice, I was almost lost for words. So I let my actions speak for me. Lots of stroking and petting to comfort you, as I felt you needed that reassurance. My voice was quiet but I hope it was strong enough for you to feel how much I wanted your submission. The touching and stroking was soothing and created a bond between us. When you started to undress, I knew you were scared. The moment when you took your bra off when I instructed you to, I saw a couple of seconds of hesitation. I feared you might not be able to, but you did. And what wonderful breasts they are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The scars were inconsequential, of no importance. Truthfully I didn’t notice them for a long time, not until later. But I only saw them as a part of you, which I why I stood you in front of the mirror, to see what you truly are. To reconnect with your body again. I know that it became too much for you, but it won't be the last time you see yourself like that.
Laying you on the bed, blindfolding and binding your wrists was something special. Finding your buttons, what to push, what aroused you, what tickled you. And playing with your gorgeous breasts. I learned so much about how your body responds to different things. Tying your nipples and playing with them, and whipping them after releasing them showed me how much more sensitive they became. I smiled many times but you couldn’t see that. Your body responding and writhing as it became more aroused to the slightest touch and also to stronger stimuli such as tweaking your nipples. Once I reached your pussy you were so wet. The one thing I remember most was your clit. So small and perfect. And when I started to play with it, you sighed and moaned as it was something you had dreamed off for a long time but never thought it would happen. When I slid a finger inside your pussy, you were so soft and wet and warm.
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t orgasm. It wasn’t something I was reaching for, although I know it’s what you desperately wanted to do. Please don’t get hung up about it, it will happen when the time is right. This first time was all about bonding with each other and exploring you. I spread your legs and knelt between them, leaning over you. So helpless and yet unafraid. Yearning and wanting to be touched, to be dominated and to give yourself to me. It aroused me so much, I can’t begin to explain and I don’t know if you can imagine that. Apart that you were at the opposite end of that spectrum. I know it was very emotional for you and that you cried. You were able to release some of that emotion. I’m sure it won’t be the last tears that you cry, but they aren’t anything to be ashamed of. They are part of your strength and how you are adjusting to embracing your submissiveness.
Finishing the session off by introducing you to some soft spanking was so amazing. Your bum went a rosy pink and you flinched and jumped with each slap or smack. But I rubbed and caressed in between each one, which aroused you even more as your skin became more sensitive as each slap occurred. I used the whip as well softly then harder so it stung across your skin. Such control and then I would play with your pussy before striking your bum again. I could have done that all night, play, fiddle and slap. I used a little fantasy – me as head mistress and you as teacher. You would flounce your body at me and wear short skirts and small panties, because you were aroused by me and didn’t know why. So as I spanked you over my lap, I spoke of doing it to you at school, in my office, bent over a stool, spanking you with a slipper. I had so much control and you were helpless, but so aroused and excited as I slipped my fingers over and around your pussy, paying attention to your lovely little button clit. You shuddered and writhed on my legs. I didn’t want to stop but things started to come to a natural end and I felt you were tiring.
Afterwards, we cuddled and I held you against my breast. I wanted you to feel safe and wanted. I didn’t know if you could put how you felt into words, but it didn’t matter. It’s like the calm after the storm. So soothing to feel you laying there, a feeling of completeness and a moment to bond again. I could have laid there for a long time, but we needed to leave it and allow it to settle within us. I was slightly surreal to leave the room and go back to ‘normal’ again.
Now that hours have passed us by, I hope that you are able to assimilate and understand how you feel, what happened to you and why I did certain things. I’m sure some of them made you embarrassed, uncomfortable and possibly were tinged with humiliation. But I hope that I was able to balance it with plenty of loving caresses, arousal and stimulation for you. Did I tick all your boxes? Did I live up to your expectations? Was I firm enough, dominant enough, loving and giving of myself to you? I don’t know. Only you can tell me that. And although I was able to slip quietly back into normality once you had left, I only had to touch and hold your cushion to feel my heart welling up inside and threaten to overwhelm me. I truly don’t know if I helped you or hurt you. Whether you want to continue on this journey or stop is up to you now. I didn’t think I could do what we did and have surprised myself.
I know now that I have written this all down, that despite the fears, the emotions, the wait, the soul searching, the tears and everything – I want to carry on this journey, with you. If you want to. I just have to wait for your response and hope you feel the same way to."
"How do I put down in words the last 48 hours or so? I don’t think I can begin to describe it as it should be described. I was extremely nervous and emotional on Saturday. Whenever you were bending over in the kitchen or just walking by, I couldn’t help myself from looking at you and your bum. I wondered if you felt my eyes on you? I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to go through with it. More nerves as we got ready. Did I look right? What would I say? How would I say it? Would I be convincing? What if I couldn’t speak? My mouth went dry? All these things and more. I set up the bed and sat there my heart pounding like never before.
When you first knelt in front of me, it was almost surreal. All the weeks of preparation and waiting had come to this. The nerves probably showed in my voice, I was almost lost for words. So I let my actions speak for me. Lots of stroking and petting to comfort you, as I felt you needed that reassurance. My voice was quiet but I hope it was strong enough for you to feel how much I wanted your submission. The touching and stroking was soothing and created a bond between us. When you started to undress, I knew you were scared. The moment when you took your bra off when I instructed you to, I saw a couple of seconds of hesitation. I feared you might not be able to, but you did. And what wonderful breasts they are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The scars were inconsequential, of no importance. Truthfully I didn’t notice them for a long time, not until later. But I only saw them as a part of you, which I why I stood you in front of the mirror, to see what you truly are. To reconnect with your body again. I know that it became too much for you, but it won't be the last time you see yourself like that.
Laying you on the bed, blindfolding and binding your wrists was something special. Finding your buttons, what to push, what aroused you, what tickled you. And playing with your gorgeous breasts. I learned so much about how your body responds to different things. Tying your nipples and playing with them, and whipping them after releasing them showed me how much more sensitive they became. I smiled many times but you couldn’t see that. Your body responding and writhing as it became more aroused to the slightest touch and also to stronger stimuli such as tweaking your nipples. Once I reached your pussy you were so wet. The one thing I remember most was your clit. So small and perfect. And when I started to play with it, you sighed and moaned as it was something you had dreamed off for a long time but never thought it would happen. When I slid a finger inside your pussy, you were so soft and wet and warm.
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t orgasm. It wasn’t something I was reaching for, although I know it’s what you desperately wanted to do. Please don’t get hung up about it, it will happen when the time is right. This first time was all about bonding with each other and exploring you. I spread your legs and knelt between them, leaning over you. So helpless and yet unafraid. Yearning and wanting to be touched, to be dominated and to give yourself to me. It aroused me so much, I can’t begin to explain and I don’t know if you can imagine that. Apart that you were at the opposite end of that spectrum. I know it was very emotional for you and that you cried. You were able to release some of that emotion. I’m sure it won’t be the last tears that you cry, but they aren’t anything to be ashamed of. They are part of your strength and how you are adjusting to embracing your submissiveness.
Finishing the session off by introducing you to some soft spanking was so amazing. Your bum went a rosy pink and you flinched and jumped with each slap or smack. But I rubbed and caressed in between each one, which aroused you even more as your skin became more sensitive as each slap occurred. I used the whip as well softly then harder so it stung across your skin. Such control and then I would play with your pussy before striking your bum again. I could have done that all night, play, fiddle and slap. I used a little fantasy – me as head mistress and you as teacher. You would flounce your body at me and wear short skirts and small panties, because you were aroused by me and didn’t know why. So as I spanked you over my lap, I spoke of doing it to you at school, in my office, bent over a stool, spanking you with a slipper. I had so much control and you were helpless, but so aroused and excited as I slipped my fingers over and around your pussy, paying attention to your lovely little button clit. You shuddered and writhed on my legs. I didn’t want to stop but things started to come to a natural end and I felt you were tiring.
Afterwards, we cuddled and I held you against my breast. I wanted you to feel safe and wanted. I didn’t know if you could put how you felt into words, but it didn’t matter. It’s like the calm after the storm. So soothing to feel you laying there, a feeling of completeness and a moment to bond again. I could have laid there for a long time, but we needed to leave it and allow it to settle within us. I was slightly surreal to leave the room and go back to ‘normal’ again.
Now that hours have passed us by, I hope that you are able to assimilate and understand how you feel, what happened to you and why I did certain things. I’m sure some of them made you embarrassed, uncomfortable and possibly were tinged with humiliation. But I hope that I was able to balance it with plenty of loving caresses, arousal and stimulation for you. Did I tick all your boxes? Did I live up to your expectations? Was I firm enough, dominant enough, loving and giving of myself to you? I don’t know. Only you can tell me that. And although I was able to slip quietly back into normality once you had left, I only had to touch and hold your cushion to feel my heart welling up inside and threaten to overwhelm me. I truly don’t know if I helped you or hurt you. Whether you want to continue on this journey or stop is up to you now. I didn’t think I could do what we did and have surprised myself.
I know now that I have written this all down, that despite the fears, the emotions, the wait, the soul searching, the tears and everything – I want to carry on this journey, with you. If you want to. I just have to wait for your response and hope you feel the same way to."
First session Part 1
Our first session in March was an emotional one for both of us. The best words have already been written about this experience by both of us in an exchange of diaries. And those words are used here....first are extracts from P's diary:
"I took a deep breath and knocked, knowing when I stepped through that door, everything would change. I wasn’t sure if you heard me at first. My heart was racing as I put my bag down on the stool and I hardly dared look at you. The glimpses of you I caught, showed me my beautiful Lady. I also spotted several things on the bed behind you... You looked so calm and ready, sitting there, your legs crossed and just a glimpse of lace tops on your hold-ups. Kneeling and kissing your hand was a relief, a relief that I was finally there and this was real and actually happening. Giving the control over to you was so right for me. I know I was shaking but it was anticipation as much as nerves. You were so calming and reassuring, the way you gave instructions, touching and stroking me. I loved the way you focused on looking at me and what I was wearing, inspecting me. Then removing my clothing on demand, your tone was perfect, almost hypnotic. I knew the moment would come so soon when I’d be taking off my underwear too. Your appreciation of me in the underwear was very arousing, and all the time you were stroking me, reassuring me. I know you wanted me to talk to you more, but other than answering your questions I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. I think it may have been the mental and sensation overload. Taking off my panties was so much easier than my bra. I did hesitate with my bra but knew that if I didn’t then I would never be able to move forward. Your appreciation of my breasts made it easier for me too. Standing in front of the mirror in the full lights was very difficult for me and humiliating in many ways. There was nowhere to hide from myself and my imperfections. Seeing your hands touching me, holding my breasts was erotic and made it easier. I know you want me to do it everyday and I will and one day I will see what you see. Thank you for not leaving the light on for too long though.
You binding my wrists was a very liberating experience, but not as much as being blind-folded. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open at times, it was just too much. I could only guess what you might do next. I heard you taking your rings off and remembered the comment you made about planning to do that, and my mind started racing. The delicate stroking was sensitising my whole body, waking me up after so long. Then the next thing you used was a stronger sensation. I know you were trying to tickle me but it didn’t seem to be working, until you used your nails on my feet! I couldn’t escape you. I was starting to tingle all over. Your focus on my breasts and nipples was electrifying, teasing and tweaking and pinching them. Then you started with the whip and the sensations became even more intense than I thought possible. I wasn’t something I ever thought I’d enjoy but I did. Then there was whatever you put on my nipples, it was just on the edge of painful for my right nipple when you removed it, I couldn’t have taken much more of it. I started to cry with relief but couldn’t fully tell you why at the time. When I decided to have the operation, I was warned there was a risk that I would lose significant sensation in my nipples, and possibly even lose them all together if the blood supply was interrupted. As my breasts got larger, I gradually lost sensation as the nerves were stretch over a larger area. I knew that I know had some sensation back but when you are touching yourself, it’s just not the same as if someone else does it. I never dreamt that post-op I’d ever feel as much as I did on Saturday night, never mind that I’d be in the position that someone would want to touch them and not be put off by my scars. I can never thank you enough for that.
You telling me how wet I was, how you could smell me was incredibly erotic, even before you touched me, then you started to stroke me and I can’t describe just how amazing that was. Calling me your hussy, telling me I was all yours to do with as you wanted and doing it. Pushing your fingers deep into me, searching high inside me, stroking and playing with my clit, being able to see every inch of me and there was nothing I could do about it, was heaven. Kneeling between my legs and pushing them further apart, then pressing yourself against me, being able to feel your breasts against me, I was so sensitive I could feel the slightest movement. I know you said it doesn’t matter than I didn’t cum and I tried not to let it concern me. There were so many sensations to enjoy.
Then you had me lie over your lap, I knew that you would relish this moment and had been particularly looking forward to it. This was again something I had no idea how I would react to, but after the earlier experiences I had began to suspect I would enjoy it. My bum was soon tingling and sensitised, and when the slaps were combined with stroking my clit again, it changed the sensations, heightening everything. Again knowing you could see everything and there was no hiding from you was very humiliating but very erotic, and I suspect had you plotting for the future too. I was hoping my skin was changing colour for you, it felt like it could be and I knew that would please you. I was trying not to make any noise but couldn’t help moving with them, I’m delighted you enjoyed that. The naughty little fantasy about the Head Mistress will certainly give me something to think about! I was starting to get tired but had no idea how long we had been in session for, you were able to read this and wound things up.
Being held and cared for was so special and made me feel so safe and cherished. I wish I had been able to talk to you more then. I know you will never do anything to harm me or push me too far, not that I ever did. I have been able to give you complete control and know it’s the right decision and something I dearly want. I felt so free, especially when restrained and blind-folded, completely dependent on you, and more open to experimentation or new experiences than I was expecting."
"I took a deep breath and knocked, knowing when I stepped through that door, everything would change. I wasn’t sure if you heard me at first. My heart was racing as I put my bag down on the stool and I hardly dared look at you. The glimpses of you I caught, showed me my beautiful Lady. I also spotted several things on the bed behind you... You looked so calm and ready, sitting there, your legs crossed and just a glimpse of lace tops on your hold-ups. Kneeling and kissing your hand was a relief, a relief that I was finally there and this was real and actually happening. Giving the control over to you was so right for me. I know I was shaking but it was anticipation as much as nerves. You were so calming and reassuring, the way you gave instructions, touching and stroking me. I loved the way you focused on looking at me and what I was wearing, inspecting me. Then removing my clothing on demand, your tone was perfect, almost hypnotic. I knew the moment would come so soon when I’d be taking off my underwear too. Your appreciation of me in the underwear was very arousing, and all the time you were stroking me, reassuring me. I know you wanted me to talk to you more, but other than answering your questions I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. I think it may have been the mental and sensation overload. Taking off my panties was so much easier than my bra. I did hesitate with my bra but knew that if I didn’t then I would never be able to move forward. Your appreciation of my breasts made it easier for me too. Standing in front of the mirror in the full lights was very difficult for me and humiliating in many ways. There was nowhere to hide from myself and my imperfections. Seeing your hands touching me, holding my breasts was erotic and made it easier. I know you want me to do it everyday and I will and one day I will see what you see. Thank you for not leaving the light on for too long though.
You binding my wrists was a very liberating experience, but not as much as being blind-folded. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open at times, it was just too much. I could only guess what you might do next. I heard you taking your rings off and remembered the comment you made about planning to do that, and my mind started racing. The delicate stroking was sensitising my whole body, waking me up after so long. Then the next thing you used was a stronger sensation. I know you were trying to tickle me but it didn’t seem to be working, until you used your nails on my feet! I couldn’t escape you. I was starting to tingle all over. Your focus on my breasts and nipples was electrifying, teasing and tweaking and pinching them. Then you started with the whip and the sensations became even more intense than I thought possible. I wasn’t something I ever thought I’d enjoy but I did. Then there was whatever you put on my nipples, it was just on the edge of painful for my right nipple when you removed it, I couldn’t have taken much more of it. I started to cry with relief but couldn’t fully tell you why at the time. When I decided to have the operation, I was warned there was a risk that I would lose significant sensation in my nipples, and possibly even lose them all together if the blood supply was interrupted. As my breasts got larger, I gradually lost sensation as the nerves were stretch over a larger area. I knew that I know had some sensation back but when you are touching yourself, it’s just not the same as if someone else does it. I never dreamt that post-op I’d ever feel as much as I did on Saturday night, never mind that I’d be in the position that someone would want to touch them and not be put off by my scars. I can never thank you enough for that.
You telling me how wet I was, how you could smell me was incredibly erotic, even before you touched me, then you started to stroke me and I can’t describe just how amazing that was. Calling me your hussy, telling me I was all yours to do with as you wanted and doing it. Pushing your fingers deep into me, searching high inside me, stroking and playing with my clit, being able to see every inch of me and there was nothing I could do about it, was heaven. Kneeling between my legs and pushing them further apart, then pressing yourself against me, being able to feel your breasts against me, I was so sensitive I could feel the slightest movement. I know you said it doesn’t matter than I didn’t cum and I tried not to let it concern me. There were so many sensations to enjoy.
Then you had me lie over your lap, I knew that you would relish this moment and had been particularly looking forward to it. This was again something I had no idea how I would react to, but after the earlier experiences I had began to suspect I would enjoy it. My bum was soon tingling and sensitised, and when the slaps were combined with stroking my clit again, it changed the sensations, heightening everything. Again knowing you could see everything and there was no hiding from you was very humiliating but very erotic, and I suspect had you plotting for the future too. I was hoping my skin was changing colour for you, it felt like it could be and I knew that would please you. I was trying not to make any noise but couldn’t help moving with them, I’m delighted you enjoyed that. The naughty little fantasy about the Head Mistress will certainly give me something to think about! I was starting to get tired but had no idea how long we had been in session for, you were able to read this and wound things up.
Being held and cared for was so special and made me feel so safe and cherished. I wish I had been able to talk to you more then. I know you will never do anything to harm me or push me too far, not that I ever did. I have been able to give you complete control and know it’s the right decision and something I dearly want. I felt so free, especially when restrained and blind-folded, completely dependent on you, and more open to experimentation or new experiences than I was expecting."
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