And I am complete
For tomorrow she will kneel at my feet
And offer herself
For me to enjoy
For me to retrain
For me to restrain
For me to inspect
For me to punish
For me to love
25 July 2009
24 July 2009
I want you to use me
P said those words to me two night ago when we were chatting online. Never have six words had so much impact on me before. She was sincere, honest, open, truthful and trusting of me that I could use her how I wished without breaking our trust or her hard boundaries. I admit my mind raced as soon as the words appeared in my chat window.
BDSM is all about three words - safe, sane and consensual. Safe - in that the people involved do not intentionally harm one another and all precautions are taken. Sane - it's not part of a crazed idea which would be both unsafe and insane. Consensual - both parties consent to acts that have been openly discussed or give their consent to acts that are within pre-determined boundaries. So using P has to remain within those parameters. If it doesn't then I am abusing her, and not 'using' her for my own (and her) pleasure.
Of course, we have established a level of trust over the last six months which means that we 'know' that what we choose to do isn't abuse. We are still on our bonding path and I always strive to ensure that whatever I do with P, it is safe, absolutely sane and consensual. Part of this is sharing fantasies, discussing articles or scenes we have read or just letting our imaginations go for a while. And another part of that allowing me to trust myself as P's Dominant not to let us down. That I know just how far I can push her, that I know where to draw the line and when to stop.
But that doesn't stop me from becoming excited beyond reason when I realise what I could do with P. All the possibilities laid bare before me are spine tingling, erotic, arousing and mind blowing. Novice that I am, I sometimes feel that what I experience is nothing new to many other Dominant out there with far more knowledge than I. However, we each have our own individual journeys and none are the same. All our paths are different. But I suspect that we all go through similar issues at some point on those paths.
I suspect that no matter how long P and I are together, I will always go weak at the knees when she says to me 'I want you to use me.' Inside my heart and stomach will leap, tie up in knots, my mind will go wild and I will think some dark desires that although may initially unnerve me, I will succumb and use her. For my own pleasure. And I will love every second.
BDSM is all about three words - safe, sane and consensual. Safe - in that the people involved do not intentionally harm one another and all precautions are taken. Sane - it's not part of a crazed idea which would be both unsafe and insane. Consensual - both parties consent to acts that have been openly discussed or give their consent to acts that are within pre-determined boundaries. So using P has to remain within those parameters. If it doesn't then I am abusing her, and not 'using' her for my own (and her) pleasure.
Of course, we have established a level of trust over the last six months which means that we 'know' that what we choose to do isn't abuse. We are still on our bonding path and I always strive to ensure that whatever I do with P, it is safe, absolutely sane and consensual. Part of this is sharing fantasies, discussing articles or scenes we have read or just letting our imaginations go for a while. And another part of that allowing me to trust myself as P's Dominant not to let us down. That I know just how far I can push her, that I know where to draw the line and when to stop.
But that doesn't stop me from becoming excited beyond reason when I realise what I could do with P. All the possibilities laid bare before me are spine tingling, erotic, arousing and mind blowing. Novice that I am, I sometimes feel that what I experience is nothing new to many other Dominant out there with far more knowledge than I. However, we each have our own individual journeys and none are the same. All our paths are different. But I suspect that we all go through similar issues at some point on those paths.
I suspect that no matter how long P and I are together, I will always go weak at the knees when she says to me 'I want you to use me.' Inside my heart and stomach will leap, tie up in knots, my mind will go wild and I will think some dark desires that although may initially unnerve me, I will succumb and use her. For my own pleasure. And I will love every second.
21 July 2009
Acceptance
My journey has been all about that, acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what it means to me, the changes in my life, the new direction it takes, and the new person in my life who I now have a certain level of responsibility for. I openly admit it has been hard, with a lot of soul searching, pain and suppressed emotions. I had often thought the origins of my dominant trait linked back to when I was abused and it was just my mental payback for what happened. Seemed like a logical explanation. But as I grew from teens to adulthood, I still had my dominant fantasies. I suppressed them so they only existed in my head, at night when I lay alone in my bed. And used them to help get me aroused and excited. I felt guilty for doing it, for using faceless men to enact my heartless actions upon.
I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.
One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.
I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.
After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.
The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.
Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.
So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.
I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.
One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.
I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.
After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.
The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.
Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.
So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.
My toy
She has
Her instructions
Her lists to write
To present to me soon
To be prepared
In mind, body and soul
For my inspection
And my pleasure
For that is what she is
Her instructions
Her lists to write
To present to me soon
To be prepared
In mind, body and soul
For my inspection
And my pleasure
For that is what she is
20 July 2009
Reminders
They may only be little things, but there are things that connect us even when we are apart. Things that remind me of when P was here. Like sand in my car, a hair on the car seat, her smell on my pillow. The one main reminder of her is located in my airing cupboard. It's her kneeling cushion. It's fluffy and a light brown colour. A neat square of kneeling perfection. When P departed after our first weekend, she accidentally left the cushion behind. I emailed her to ask if she had left it on purpose and P replied that she had completely forgotten to take it with her. However we were both glad she had. It was something tangible, something real that I could touch, hold and snuggle into whenever I missed her. And I admit I missed her, a lot.
I found that having the cushion out in plain sight made the absence worse. The reminder was too much to bear. So I put the cushion away in the airing cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was for a couple of weeks. Until P & I set our next date, Easter and she would be able to stay with me for over a week. A luxury for both of us. I was missing P in so many different ways. First as my friend. The weekend we spent together had enabled us to spend precious time together. We went out for drives along the coast, long walks on beaches, shopped together, ate and drank together. Laughed, shared stories and watched favourite films together. Bonding on a different level entirely compared to the D/s relationship.
As her Domme, the relationship had only just started. But my heart already ached for her. Inside there was a hole in my soul. I was missing a vital link, a part of me had departed and we were separated by miles and miles and miles. I missed her presence, her submissive soul, her entire being. I was almost bereft and I cried many tears in the first few days after she left. I wasn't prepared for such an emotional response. I knew that I would have to overcome this melancholy otherwise it would impinge on real life.
Once a new date had been set, I looked at the cushion more often. Then I began to take it out and hold it. I could feel P's presence on it and it made my Domme heart sing. So I kept putting it back. Until the day before she returned, then I removed it and placed it on what would be her bed for the duration of her stay. Where it should be, waiting for her to return.
P always leaves the cushion behind now. She discovered that it wasn't quite sufficient for her kneeling needs and is currently seeking a new one. But nothing will ever replace that cushion. She knows it helps me to get through the days and weeks until we meet again. I have struggled with the emotions within me when we are apart and gradually found ways to adapt so that I can carry on with real life and yet look forward to the next meetings rather than look back with sadness at the time lost.
There are so many reminders of her when she isn't here. And they linger for days after she has gone. But the cushion is a permanent reminder and will always be here, waiting for when she returns.
I found that having the cushion out in plain sight made the absence worse. The reminder was too much to bear. So I put the cushion away in the airing cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was for a couple of weeks. Until P & I set our next date, Easter and she would be able to stay with me for over a week. A luxury for both of us. I was missing P in so many different ways. First as my friend. The weekend we spent together had enabled us to spend precious time together. We went out for drives along the coast, long walks on beaches, shopped together, ate and drank together. Laughed, shared stories and watched favourite films together. Bonding on a different level entirely compared to the D/s relationship.
As her Domme, the relationship had only just started. But my heart already ached for her. Inside there was a hole in my soul. I was missing a vital link, a part of me had departed and we were separated by miles and miles and miles. I missed her presence, her submissive soul, her entire being. I was almost bereft and I cried many tears in the first few days after she left. I wasn't prepared for such an emotional response. I knew that I would have to overcome this melancholy otherwise it would impinge on real life.
Once a new date had been set, I looked at the cushion more often. Then I began to take it out and hold it. I could feel P's presence on it and it made my Domme heart sing. So I kept putting it back. Until the day before she returned, then I removed it and placed it on what would be her bed for the duration of her stay. Where it should be, waiting for her to return.
P always leaves the cushion behind now. She discovered that it wasn't quite sufficient for her kneeling needs and is currently seeking a new one. But nothing will ever replace that cushion. She knows it helps me to get through the days and weeks until we meet again. I have struggled with the emotions within me when we are apart and gradually found ways to adapt so that I can carry on with real life and yet look forward to the next meetings rather than look back with sadness at the time lost.
There are so many reminders of her when she isn't here. And they linger for days after she has gone. But the cushion is a permanent reminder and will always be here, waiting for when she returns.
19 July 2009
First session Part 2
And now for Part 2, which is my turn...
"How do I put down in words the last 48 hours or so? I don’t think I can begin to describe it as it should be described. I was extremely nervous and emotional on Saturday. Whenever you were bending over in the kitchen or just walking by, I couldn’t help myself from looking at you and your bum. I wondered if you felt my eyes on you? I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to go through with it. More nerves as we got ready. Did I look right? What would I say? How would I say it? Would I be convincing? What if I couldn’t speak? My mouth went dry? All these things and more. I set up the bed and sat there my heart pounding like never before.
When you first knelt in front of me, it was almost surreal. All the weeks of preparation and waiting had come to this. The nerves probably showed in my voice, I was almost lost for words. So I let my actions speak for me. Lots of stroking and petting to comfort you, as I felt you needed that reassurance. My voice was quiet but I hope it was strong enough for you to feel how much I wanted your submission. The touching and stroking was soothing and created a bond between us. When you started to undress, I knew you were scared. The moment when you took your bra off when I instructed you to, I saw a couple of seconds of hesitation. I feared you might not be able to, but you did. And what wonderful breasts they are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The scars were inconsequential, of no importance. Truthfully I didn’t notice them for a long time, not until later. But I only saw them as a part of you, which I why I stood you in front of the mirror, to see what you truly are. To reconnect with your body again. I know that it became too much for you, but it won't be the last time you see yourself like that.
Laying you on the bed, blindfolding and binding your wrists was something special. Finding your buttons, what to push, what aroused you, what tickled you. And playing with your gorgeous breasts. I learned so much about how your body responds to different things. Tying your nipples and playing with them, and whipping them after releasing them showed me how much more sensitive they became. I smiled many times but you couldn’t see that. Your body responding and writhing as it became more aroused to the slightest touch and also to stronger stimuli such as tweaking your nipples. Once I reached your pussy you were so wet. The one thing I remember most was your clit. So small and perfect. And when I started to play with it, you sighed and moaned as it was something you had dreamed off for a long time but never thought it would happen. When I slid a finger inside your pussy, you were so soft and wet and warm.
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t orgasm. It wasn’t something I was reaching for, although I know it’s what you desperately wanted to do. Please don’t get hung up about it, it will happen when the time is right. This first time was all about bonding with each other and exploring you. I spread your legs and knelt between them, leaning over you. So helpless and yet unafraid. Yearning and wanting to be touched, to be dominated and to give yourself to me. It aroused me so much, I can’t begin to explain and I don’t know if you can imagine that. Apart that you were at the opposite end of that spectrum. I know it was very emotional for you and that you cried. You were able to release some of that emotion. I’m sure it won’t be the last tears that you cry, but they aren’t anything to be ashamed of. They are part of your strength and how you are adjusting to embracing your submissiveness.
Finishing the session off by introducing you to some soft spanking was so amazing. Your bum went a rosy pink and you flinched and jumped with each slap or smack. But I rubbed and caressed in between each one, which aroused you even more as your skin became more sensitive as each slap occurred. I used the whip as well softly then harder so it stung across your skin. Such control and then I would play with your pussy before striking your bum again. I could have done that all night, play, fiddle and slap. I used a little fantasy – me as head mistress and you as teacher. You would flounce your body at me and wear short skirts and small panties, because you were aroused by me and didn’t know why. So as I spanked you over my lap, I spoke of doing it to you at school, in my office, bent over a stool, spanking you with a slipper. I had so much control and you were helpless, but so aroused and excited as I slipped my fingers over and around your pussy, paying attention to your lovely little button clit. You shuddered and writhed on my legs. I didn’t want to stop but things started to come to a natural end and I felt you were tiring.
Afterwards, we cuddled and I held you against my breast. I wanted you to feel safe and wanted. I didn’t know if you could put how you felt into words, but it didn’t matter. It’s like the calm after the storm. So soothing to feel you laying there, a feeling of completeness and a moment to bond again. I could have laid there for a long time, but we needed to leave it and allow it to settle within us. I was slightly surreal to leave the room and go back to ‘normal’ again.
Now that hours have passed us by, I hope that you are able to assimilate and understand how you feel, what happened to you and why I did certain things. I’m sure some of them made you embarrassed, uncomfortable and possibly were tinged with humiliation. But I hope that I was able to balance it with plenty of loving caresses, arousal and stimulation for you. Did I tick all your boxes? Did I live up to your expectations? Was I firm enough, dominant enough, loving and giving of myself to you? I don’t know. Only you can tell me that. And although I was able to slip quietly back into normality once you had left, I only had to touch and hold your cushion to feel my heart welling up inside and threaten to overwhelm me. I truly don’t know if I helped you or hurt you. Whether you want to continue on this journey or stop is up to you now. I didn’t think I could do what we did and have surprised myself.
I know now that I have written this all down, that despite the fears, the emotions, the wait, the soul searching, the tears and everything – I want to carry on this journey, with you. If you want to. I just have to wait for your response and hope you feel the same way to."
"How do I put down in words the last 48 hours or so? I don’t think I can begin to describe it as it should be described. I was extremely nervous and emotional on Saturday. Whenever you were bending over in the kitchen or just walking by, I couldn’t help myself from looking at you and your bum. I wondered if you felt my eyes on you? I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to go through with it. More nerves as we got ready. Did I look right? What would I say? How would I say it? Would I be convincing? What if I couldn’t speak? My mouth went dry? All these things and more. I set up the bed and sat there my heart pounding like never before.
When you first knelt in front of me, it was almost surreal. All the weeks of preparation and waiting had come to this. The nerves probably showed in my voice, I was almost lost for words. So I let my actions speak for me. Lots of stroking and petting to comfort you, as I felt you needed that reassurance. My voice was quiet but I hope it was strong enough for you to feel how much I wanted your submission. The touching and stroking was soothing and created a bond between us. When you started to undress, I knew you were scared. The moment when you took your bra off when I instructed you to, I saw a couple of seconds of hesitation. I feared you might not be able to, but you did. And what wonderful breasts they are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The scars were inconsequential, of no importance. Truthfully I didn’t notice them for a long time, not until later. But I only saw them as a part of you, which I why I stood you in front of the mirror, to see what you truly are. To reconnect with your body again. I know that it became too much for you, but it won't be the last time you see yourself like that.
Laying you on the bed, blindfolding and binding your wrists was something special. Finding your buttons, what to push, what aroused you, what tickled you. And playing with your gorgeous breasts. I learned so much about how your body responds to different things. Tying your nipples and playing with them, and whipping them after releasing them showed me how much more sensitive they became. I smiled many times but you couldn’t see that. Your body responding and writhing as it became more aroused to the slightest touch and also to stronger stimuli such as tweaking your nipples. Once I reached your pussy you were so wet. The one thing I remember most was your clit. So small and perfect. And when I started to play with it, you sighed and moaned as it was something you had dreamed off for a long time but never thought it would happen. When I slid a finger inside your pussy, you were so soft and wet and warm.
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t orgasm. It wasn’t something I was reaching for, although I know it’s what you desperately wanted to do. Please don’t get hung up about it, it will happen when the time is right. This first time was all about bonding with each other and exploring you. I spread your legs and knelt between them, leaning over you. So helpless and yet unafraid. Yearning and wanting to be touched, to be dominated and to give yourself to me. It aroused me so much, I can’t begin to explain and I don’t know if you can imagine that. Apart that you were at the opposite end of that spectrum. I know it was very emotional for you and that you cried. You were able to release some of that emotion. I’m sure it won’t be the last tears that you cry, but they aren’t anything to be ashamed of. They are part of your strength and how you are adjusting to embracing your submissiveness.
Finishing the session off by introducing you to some soft spanking was so amazing. Your bum went a rosy pink and you flinched and jumped with each slap or smack. But I rubbed and caressed in between each one, which aroused you even more as your skin became more sensitive as each slap occurred. I used the whip as well softly then harder so it stung across your skin. Such control and then I would play with your pussy before striking your bum again. I could have done that all night, play, fiddle and slap. I used a little fantasy – me as head mistress and you as teacher. You would flounce your body at me and wear short skirts and small panties, because you were aroused by me and didn’t know why. So as I spanked you over my lap, I spoke of doing it to you at school, in my office, bent over a stool, spanking you with a slipper. I had so much control and you were helpless, but so aroused and excited as I slipped my fingers over and around your pussy, paying attention to your lovely little button clit. You shuddered and writhed on my legs. I didn’t want to stop but things started to come to a natural end and I felt you were tiring.
Afterwards, we cuddled and I held you against my breast. I wanted you to feel safe and wanted. I didn’t know if you could put how you felt into words, but it didn’t matter. It’s like the calm after the storm. So soothing to feel you laying there, a feeling of completeness and a moment to bond again. I could have laid there for a long time, but we needed to leave it and allow it to settle within us. I was slightly surreal to leave the room and go back to ‘normal’ again.
Now that hours have passed us by, I hope that you are able to assimilate and understand how you feel, what happened to you and why I did certain things. I’m sure some of them made you embarrassed, uncomfortable and possibly were tinged with humiliation. But I hope that I was able to balance it with plenty of loving caresses, arousal and stimulation for you. Did I tick all your boxes? Did I live up to your expectations? Was I firm enough, dominant enough, loving and giving of myself to you? I don’t know. Only you can tell me that. And although I was able to slip quietly back into normality once you had left, I only had to touch and hold your cushion to feel my heart welling up inside and threaten to overwhelm me. I truly don’t know if I helped you or hurt you. Whether you want to continue on this journey or stop is up to you now. I didn’t think I could do what we did and have surprised myself.
I know now that I have written this all down, that despite the fears, the emotions, the wait, the soul searching, the tears and everything – I want to carry on this journey, with you. If you want to. I just have to wait for your response and hope you feel the same way to."
First session Part 1
Our first session in March was an emotional one for both of us. The best words have already been written about this experience by both of us in an exchange of diaries. And those words are used here....first are extracts from P's diary:
"I took a deep breath and knocked, knowing when I stepped through that door, everything would change. I wasn’t sure if you heard me at first. My heart was racing as I put my bag down on the stool and I hardly dared look at you. The glimpses of you I caught, showed me my beautiful Lady. I also spotted several things on the bed behind you... You looked so calm and ready, sitting there, your legs crossed and just a glimpse of lace tops on your hold-ups. Kneeling and kissing your hand was a relief, a relief that I was finally there and this was real and actually happening. Giving the control over to you was so right for me. I know I was shaking but it was anticipation as much as nerves. You were so calming and reassuring, the way you gave instructions, touching and stroking me. I loved the way you focused on looking at me and what I was wearing, inspecting me. Then removing my clothing on demand, your tone was perfect, almost hypnotic. I knew the moment would come so soon when I’d be taking off my underwear too. Your appreciation of me in the underwear was very arousing, and all the time you were stroking me, reassuring me. I know you wanted me to talk to you more, but other than answering your questions I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. I think it may have been the mental and sensation overload. Taking off my panties was so much easier than my bra. I did hesitate with my bra but knew that if I didn’t then I would never be able to move forward. Your appreciation of my breasts made it easier for me too. Standing in front of the mirror in the full lights was very difficult for me and humiliating in many ways. There was nowhere to hide from myself and my imperfections. Seeing your hands touching me, holding my breasts was erotic and made it easier. I know you want me to do it everyday and I will and one day I will see what you see. Thank you for not leaving the light on for too long though.
You binding my wrists was a very liberating experience, but not as much as being blind-folded. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open at times, it was just too much. I could only guess what you might do next. I heard you taking your rings off and remembered the comment you made about planning to do that, and my mind started racing. The delicate stroking was sensitising my whole body, waking me up after so long. Then the next thing you used was a stronger sensation. I know you were trying to tickle me but it didn’t seem to be working, until you used your nails on my feet! I couldn’t escape you. I was starting to tingle all over. Your focus on my breasts and nipples was electrifying, teasing and tweaking and pinching them. Then you started with the whip and the sensations became even more intense than I thought possible. I wasn’t something I ever thought I’d enjoy but I did. Then there was whatever you put on my nipples, it was just on the edge of painful for my right nipple when you removed it, I couldn’t have taken much more of it. I started to cry with relief but couldn’t fully tell you why at the time. When I decided to have the operation, I was warned there was a risk that I would lose significant sensation in my nipples, and possibly even lose them all together if the blood supply was interrupted. As my breasts got larger, I gradually lost sensation as the nerves were stretch over a larger area. I knew that I know had some sensation back but when you are touching yourself, it’s just not the same as if someone else does it. I never dreamt that post-op I’d ever feel as much as I did on Saturday night, never mind that I’d be in the position that someone would want to touch them and not be put off by my scars. I can never thank you enough for that.
You telling me how wet I was, how you could smell me was incredibly erotic, even before you touched me, then you started to stroke me and I can’t describe just how amazing that was. Calling me your hussy, telling me I was all yours to do with as you wanted and doing it. Pushing your fingers deep into me, searching high inside me, stroking and playing with my clit, being able to see every inch of me and there was nothing I could do about it, was heaven. Kneeling between my legs and pushing them further apart, then pressing yourself against me, being able to feel your breasts against me, I was so sensitive I could feel the slightest movement. I know you said it doesn’t matter than I didn’t cum and I tried not to let it concern me. There were so many sensations to enjoy.
Then you had me lie over your lap, I knew that you would relish this moment and had been particularly looking forward to it. This was again something I had no idea how I would react to, but after the earlier experiences I had began to suspect I would enjoy it. My bum was soon tingling and sensitised, and when the slaps were combined with stroking my clit again, it changed the sensations, heightening everything. Again knowing you could see everything and there was no hiding from you was very humiliating but very erotic, and I suspect had you plotting for the future too. I was hoping my skin was changing colour for you, it felt like it could be and I knew that would please you. I was trying not to make any noise but couldn’t help moving with them, I’m delighted you enjoyed that. The naughty little fantasy about the Head Mistress will certainly give me something to think about! I was starting to get tired but had no idea how long we had been in session for, you were able to read this and wound things up.
Being held and cared for was so special and made me feel so safe and cherished. I wish I had been able to talk to you more then. I know you will never do anything to harm me or push me too far, not that I ever did. I have been able to give you complete control and know it’s the right decision and something I dearly want. I felt so free, especially when restrained and blind-folded, completely dependent on you, and more open to experimentation or new experiences than I was expecting."
"I took a deep breath and knocked, knowing when I stepped through that door, everything would change. I wasn’t sure if you heard me at first. My heart was racing as I put my bag down on the stool and I hardly dared look at you. The glimpses of you I caught, showed me my beautiful Lady. I also spotted several things on the bed behind you... You looked so calm and ready, sitting there, your legs crossed and just a glimpse of lace tops on your hold-ups. Kneeling and kissing your hand was a relief, a relief that I was finally there and this was real and actually happening. Giving the control over to you was so right for me. I know I was shaking but it was anticipation as much as nerves. You were so calming and reassuring, the way you gave instructions, touching and stroking me. I loved the way you focused on looking at me and what I was wearing, inspecting me. Then removing my clothing on demand, your tone was perfect, almost hypnotic. I knew the moment would come so soon when I’d be taking off my underwear too. Your appreciation of me in the underwear was very arousing, and all the time you were stroking me, reassuring me. I know you wanted me to talk to you more, but other than answering your questions I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. I think it may have been the mental and sensation overload. Taking off my panties was so much easier than my bra. I did hesitate with my bra but knew that if I didn’t then I would never be able to move forward. Your appreciation of my breasts made it easier for me too. Standing in front of the mirror in the full lights was very difficult for me and humiliating in many ways. There was nowhere to hide from myself and my imperfections. Seeing your hands touching me, holding my breasts was erotic and made it easier. I know you want me to do it everyday and I will and one day I will see what you see. Thank you for not leaving the light on for too long though.
You binding my wrists was a very liberating experience, but not as much as being blind-folded. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open at times, it was just too much. I could only guess what you might do next. I heard you taking your rings off and remembered the comment you made about planning to do that, and my mind started racing. The delicate stroking was sensitising my whole body, waking me up after so long. Then the next thing you used was a stronger sensation. I know you were trying to tickle me but it didn’t seem to be working, until you used your nails on my feet! I couldn’t escape you. I was starting to tingle all over. Your focus on my breasts and nipples was electrifying, teasing and tweaking and pinching them. Then you started with the whip and the sensations became even more intense than I thought possible. I wasn’t something I ever thought I’d enjoy but I did. Then there was whatever you put on my nipples, it was just on the edge of painful for my right nipple when you removed it, I couldn’t have taken much more of it. I started to cry with relief but couldn’t fully tell you why at the time. When I decided to have the operation, I was warned there was a risk that I would lose significant sensation in my nipples, and possibly even lose them all together if the blood supply was interrupted. As my breasts got larger, I gradually lost sensation as the nerves were stretch over a larger area. I knew that I know had some sensation back but when you are touching yourself, it’s just not the same as if someone else does it. I never dreamt that post-op I’d ever feel as much as I did on Saturday night, never mind that I’d be in the position that someone would want to touch them and not be put off by my scars. I can never thank you enough for that.
You telling me how wet I was, how you could smell me was incredibly erotic, even before you touched me, then you started to stroke me and I can’t describe just how amazing that was. Calling me your hussy, telling me I was all yours to do with as you wanted and doing it. Pushing your fingers deep into me, searching high inside me, stroking and playing with my clit, being able to see every inch of me and there was nothing I could do about it, was heaven. Kneeling between my legs and pushing them further apart, then pressing yourself against me, being able to feel your breasts against me, I was so sensitive I could feel the slightest movement. I know you said it doesn’t matter than I didn’t cum and I tried not to let it concern me. There were so many sensations to enjoy.
Then you had me lie over your lap, I knew that you would relish this moment and had been particularly looking forward to it. This was again something I had no idea how I would react to, but after the earlier experiences I had began to suspect I would enjoy it. My bum was soon tingling and sensitised, and when the slaps were combined with stroking my clit again, it changed the sensations, heightening everything. Again knowing you could see everything and there was no hiding from you was very humiliating but very erotic, and I suspect had you plotting for the future too. I was hoping my skin was changing colour for you, it felt like it could be and I knew that would please you. I was trying not to make any noise but couldn’t help moving with them, I’m delighted you enjoyed that. The naughty little fantasy about the Head Mistress will certainly give me something to think about! I was starting to get tired but had no idea how long we had been in session for, you were able to read this and wound things up.
Being held and cared for was so special and made me feel so safe and cherished. I wish I had been able to talk to you more then. I know you will never do anything to harm me or push me too far, not that I ever did. I have been able to give you complete control and know it’s the right decision and something I dearly want. I felt so free, especially when restrained and blind-folded, completely dependent on you, and more open to experimentation or new experiences than I was expecting."
Talk to me
A phrase I often tell her. I want her to talk to me, tell me if she has any concerns or doubts. At first it wasn't easy for P to open up and tell me how she felt. The diaries were the easiest way, but it took time for her true thoughts to come through. Those little dark desires and fantasies that have been lurking in the back of the mind, suppressed for a lifetime. Once we established her boundaries, she found it easier to open up. When we had our first session together, she was hesitant and unable to truly find her voice. Now she is more confident and we can discuss whether a particular scene has worked or not. I am always the one encouraging her to find her voice and talk to me.
Then why couldn't I talk to her? Oh I could send instructions, make lists of protocols, tell her session plans, guide her in the maze of this truly wonderful world in which we have more than dipped our toes into. But what was in my heart, I couldn't tell her. The weekend she stayed for the first session was nerve wracking for both of us. And I was tongue tied. Completely and utterly hopeless. I knew she was too and it was only right that I should be the one to take the lead. I shouldn't be ashamed to open up and tell her how special this moment was, how precious she was to me, how my heart was singing at the thought of what was going to happen. That I was scared, I was petrified of failure, of letting her down, of being weak. Of being human. We walked along the beach and just held hands, but no words were spoken. The romantic might say no words were needed, but they would be wrong. It was like being on the cliff edge and taking the leap off together. But we couldn't tell each other that. And I certainly couldn't tell her anything.
It took more than one meeting before we could start to talk face to face. We managed the breakthrough a couple of months ago when P brought some of her books along. We sat on the sofa reading them and discussing them, what turned us on (or off), techniques and the subject of training. I realised there were so many things we still had to learn and that when P and I were apart, she would need to keep the momentum going. And that meant training. Giving P tasks and ensuring she updated me on her progress. Once this invisible wall had been breached, we talked non-stop. All the fears vanished. Now we can't seem to stop talking!
We converse most nights through online chat, though I am considering a web cam. This seems to instill fear and excitement in equal measure for P. It in no way implies that I don't trust her. But it will give her a chance to show off a bit. I may have to use my powers of persuasion! Or I could just be teasing her, she doesn't know. But for me, talking to P has been far harder than I ever imagined. Talking to P privately will always be a problem as she shares her home with another person. Typing in chat is easier than speaking on the phone where she could be overheard. And I am always conscious of that.
When we are together, just on the sofa, or walking down the street, or wherever, we are just two people. Neither is dominant or submissive at that time. I thought we could always share things between us no matter where or when. It wasn't as easy as that. It has taken time for me to get the confidence and inner strength to truly open up, not just to her but to myself. Remember I wrote in an earlier blog that standing in front of the mirror and seeing myself as dominant was scary and something I couldn't equate to me. Well talking is the same thing. Saying the words out loud are scary. How I feel, what makes me go wild inside, what turns me off, what I miss about P when she's not here. All these things and more. To speak the words out loud is scary but also an admission of who I am. That's even scarier.
So it's not just a case of P talking to me, so I can ensure her safety and well being. Not just so that I know what buttons to push. I need to talk too. I need to be open and honest. Not just to her but to myself. That's why its taken me almost 6 months to accept who I am to myself. But a lot of that has come about through talking to P and to Jay. And now this blog has become an extension of that. This blog is me, talking. Talking to myself, and to her. So that when I just can't find the words, she can read them here.
Then why couldn't I talk to her? Oh I could send instructions, make lists of protocols, tell her session plans, guide her in the maze of this truly wonderful world in which we have more than dipped our toes into. But what was in my heart, I couldn't tell her. The weekend she stayed for the first session was nerve wracking for both of us. And I was tongue tied. Completely and utterly hopeless. I knew she was too and it was only right that I should be the one to take the lead. I shouldn't be ashamed to open up and tell her how special this moment was, how precious she was to me, how my heart was singing at the thought of what was going to happen. That I was scared, I was petrified of failure, of letting her down, of being weak. Of being human. We walked along the beach and just held hands, but no words were spoken. The romantic might say no words were needed, but they would be wrong. It was like being on the cliff edge and taking the leap off together. But we couldn't tell each other that. And I certainly couldn't tell her anything.
It took more than one meeting before we could start to talk face to face. We managed the breakthrough a couple of months ago when P brought some of her books along. We sat on the sofa reading them and discussing them, what turned us on (or off), techniques and the subject of training. I realised there were so many things we still had to learn and that when P and I were apart, she would need to keep the momentum going. And that meant training. Giving P tasks and ensuring she updated me on her progress. Once this invisible wall had been breached, we talked non-stop. All the fears vanished. Now we can't seem to stop talking!
We converse most nights through online chat, though I am considering a web cam. This seems to instill fear and excitement in equal measure for P. It in no way implies that I don't trust her. But it will give her a chance to show off a bit. I may have to use my powers of persuasion! Or I could just be teasing her, she doesn't know. But for me, talking to P has been far harder than I ever imagined. Talking to P privately will always be a problem as she shares her home with another person. Typing in chat is easier than speaking on the phone where she could be overheard. And I am always conscious of that.
When we are together, just on the sofa, or walking down the street, or wherever, we are just two people. Neither is dominant or submissive at that time. I thought we could always share things between us no matter where or when. It wasn't as easy as that. It has taken time for me to get the confidence and inner strength to truly open up, not just to her but to myself. Remember I wrote in an earlier blog that standing in front of the mirror and seeing myself as dominant was scary and something I couldn't equate to me. Well talking is the same thing. Saying the words out loud are scary. How I feel, what makes me go wild inside, what turns me off, what I miss about P when she's not here. All these things and more. To speak the words out loud is scary but also an admission of who I am. That's even scarier.
So it's not just a case of P talking to me, so I can ensure her safety and well being. Not just so that I know what buttons to push. I need to talk too. I need to be open and honest. Not just to her but to myself. That's why its taken me almost 6 months to accept who I am to myself. But a lot of that has come about through talking to P and to Jay. And now this blog has become an extension of that. This blog is me, talking. Talking to myself, and to her. So that when I just can't find the words, she can read them here.
18 July 2009
Time...
One Week, 7 days, 168 hours, 10,080 minutes, 604,800 seconds.......
Until we are together again. First and foremost as my friend, a special person in my life. Then sometimes I will look at you and think of what is to come. And I will smile.
For we will be together again, soon.
Until we are together again. First and foremost as my friend, a special person in my life. Then sometimes I will look at you and think of what is to come. And I will smile.
For we will be together again, soon.
17 July 2009
Planning
Planning for a session always, always gets me excited. I can't help it. Just the thought of having P restrained and at my mercy sets my Domme soul alight. I wanted to make our first session special, but also wanted to test her too. I researched online in those weeks before we met, looking at articles from many D's about how they approached sessions or training of their sub's. Some preferred the element of surprise, others openly communicated their session plans to a sub prior to their meeting. This seemed to increase the anticipation of the event.
I wanted to start off with the basics - inspection, touch, restraint, exploration. Not just in isolation, but in combination. I set up a plan from the moment she stepped into my room and knelt at my feet, stage by stage. As P had problems loving herself, I would emphasise her body. What I loved about her, what was attractive, what she looked like to me as her D. Making it a positive experience for her. I knew that even just removing her clothes would be nerve wracking and emotional for her. I tried to keep it as simple as possible.
Once I had planned the first session, I then had to decide whether to tell her about it or not. Weighing up the pro's and con's for doing this, and taking P's personal issues into account, I decided it would be better to tell her exactly what the plan for the session was. This I did about a week before hand. It certainly worked for P and for me. Her anticipation was heightened and she couldn't think of anything else. This was clear in the diaries she sent me in the final few days before we met. And for me too, I could think of nothing else. And when we had our first session, the fact that P knew what to expect didn't diminish the session. In fact it was enhanced by the knowledge. Of course, P was still nervous and anxious in that first session and I was able to give her strength, guidance and reassurance.
Now I am planning for our future sessions when she returns to me. I already have the plans in my head. But now they are more fluid. I have the template, but allow it to flow more freely so it can be moulded by us, by her reactions, by my imagination. By our souls. I no longer tell her about the sessions either. I let her imagination run riot and it excites her so much. I have seen her grow in confidence, not just as my sub but also in herself. And has already made in roads into reconnecting with her body, seeing it as something to be proud of, to dress differently, lift her head up and walk tall. She is learning to love herself again.
I have learned that planning is necessary to ensure a smooth flow within the session, so that your sub has confidence in your abilities. But using your instinct is just as effective. By all means, start at A to get to D, but it doesn't have to follow that B and C come between A and D. You can skip to J, L or T just as easily and it doesn't break the rhythm.
I wanted to start off with the basics - inspection, touch, restraint, exploration. Not just in isolation, but in combination. I set up a plan from the moment she stepped into my room and knelt at my feet, stage by stage. As P had problems loving herself, I would emphasise her body. What I loved about her, what was attractive, what she looked like to me as her D. Making it a positive experience for her. I knew that even just removing her clothes would be nerve wracking and emotional for her. I tried to keep it as simple as possible.
Once I had planned the first session, I then had to decide whether to tell her about it or not. Weighing up the pro's and con's for doing this, and taking P's personal issues into account, I decided it would be better to tell her exactly what the plan for the session was. This I did about a week before hand. It certainly worked for P and for me. Her anticipation was heightened and she couldn't think of anything else. This was clear in the diaries she sent me in the final few days before we met. And for me too, I could think of nothing else. And when we had our first session, the fact that P knew what to expect didn't diminish the session. In fact it was enhanced by the knowledge. Of course, P was still nervous and anxious in that first session and I was able to give her strength, guidance and reassurance.
Now I am planning for our future sessions when she returns to me. I already have the plans in my head. But now they are more fluid. I have the template, but allow it to flow more freely so it can be moulded by us, by her reactions, by my imagination. By our souls. I no longer tell her about the sessions either. I let her imagination run riot and it excites her so much. I have seen her grow in confidence, not just as my sub but also in herself. And has already made in roads into reconnecting with her body, seeing it as something to be proud of, to dress differently, lift her head up and walk tall. She is learning to love herself again.
I have learned that planning is necessary to ensure a smooth flow within the session, so that your sub has confidence in your abilities. But using your instinct is just as effective. By all means, start at A to get to D, but it doesn't have to follow that B and C come between A and D. You can skip to J, L or T just as easily and it doesn't break the rhythm.
16 July 2009
Open letter to P
I wrote a letter to P about a week before our first session back in March this year. I wanted to share some extracts from that letter to show how I was feeling in the run up to our first face-to-face meeting...
"I wanted to write to you as your Lady now that our time together is drawing nearer. In just over a week’s time, you will be kneeling before me, looking up at me with your lovely eyes. What will be going through your mind? How will you feel? I hope you will be full of anticipation of what is to come. May be you will also feel nervous, full of submissive desires yearning to be fulfilled.
I have many images in my mind, mostly small, little things that excite and arouse me. Just to touch your hair, run my hand through it and stroke you gives me more pleasure than you can ever know. When the moment comes for you to remove your clothes and show me your body, I will be bursting with pride. You are my first submissive, and will always hold a special place in my heart. I hope that I will always have a place in your heart, even when you have moved on from me and no longer need me to fulfil your desires. Although I will be sad when that day comes, I will also be proud to know how I have nurtured you and made you a part of me.
I want to touch you, so that you can feel wanted and needed again. To know that you are a sexual being, with needs and desires. To find out all that pushes your buttons, how will you deal with that? Will you laugh, or cry, gasp and sigh? I will show you all the items I have bought just for our first session. I don’t want you to be frightened of them; they are there to help you. But to have you bound and helpless at my mercy – I’m not cruel or heartless, but the sight of you like that on my bed will ignite the senses. I hope they ignite yours too.
Of course, there may be some things that you will fear, but I will be holding your hand, protecting you and guiding you. I will always respect your hard boundaries and your safe word. But I hope you will never need to use it. Your soft boundaries I hope to push and stretch, explore and see you grow with them. And all this will also give me great pleasure. But I know you have already muted wishing to serve me in other, more personal ways. That time will come and when it does, I may ask you to service me in some very intimate ways which I hope that will fill your submissive soul.
There are so many wonderful things to come for both of us, and I can’t even begin to express them. We shall just leave them to fate to present them. I hope you trust me with all your soul, so that we can fully explore both our sides of nature that have suppressed for so long.
Always remember, submissiveness isn’t a weakness. To embrace it, to love it and live it with me as your Lady is a great strength that will fulfil your soul in many different ways. And I am honoured that you accepted my invitation to be my first submissive."
"I wanted to write to you as your Lady now that our time together is drawing nearer. In just over a week’s time, you will be kneeling before me, looking up at me with your lovely eyes. What will be going through your mind? How will you feel? I hope you will be full of anticipation of what is to come. May be you will also feel nervous, full of submissive desires yearning to be fulfilled.
I have many images in my mind, mostly small, little things that excite and arouse me. Just to touch your hair, run my hand through it and stroke you gives me more pleasure than you can ever know. When the moment comes for you to remove your clothes and show me your body, I will be bursting with pride. You are my first submissive, and will always hold a special place in my heart. I hope that I will always have a place in your heart, even when you have moved on from me and no longer need me to fulfil your desires. Although I will be sad when that day comes, I will also be proud to know how I have nurtured you and made you a part of me.
I want to touch you, so that you can feel wanted and needed again. To know that you are a sexual being, with needs and desires. To find out all that pushes your buttons, how will you deal with that? Will you laugh, or cry, gasp and sigh? I will show you all the items I have bought just for our first session. I don’t want you to be frightened of them; they are there to help you. But to have you bound and helpless at my mercy – I’m not cruel or heartless, but the sight of you like that on my bed will ignite the senses. I hope they ignite yours too.
Of course, there may be some things that you will fear, but I will be holding your hand, protecting you and guiding you. I will always respect your hard boundaries and your safe word. But I hope you will never need to use it. Your soft boundaries I hope to push and stretch, explore and see you grow with them. And all this will also give me great pleasure. But I know you have already muted wishing to serve me in other, more personal ways. That time will come and when it does, I may ask you to service me in some very intimate ways which I hope that will fill your submissive soul.
There are so many wonderful things to come for both of us, and I can’t even begin to express them. We shall just leave them to fate to present them. I hope you trust me with all your soul, so that we can fully explore both our sides of nature that have suppressed for so long.
Always remember, submissiveness isn’t a weakness. To embrace it, to love it and live it with me as your Lady is a great strength that will fulfil your soul in many different ways. And I am honoured that you accepted my invitation to be my first submissive."
15 July 2009
Inside her mind
Almost from the first day she accepted my proposal to become my sub, P has said that I am inside her mind. She often tells me (in writing or in chat or in session) that I am in her head. Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments such as at work, in a meeting, doing the shopping. In fact at almost anytime during the day, I can pop into her head and completely throw her train of thought out the window. And when she's at home, alone, in her bedroom, especially at night, I am there even more. Which I take as a compliment! But it's something I've never thought about before.
I wasn't going to make this an article on control, I'm leaving that for a future blog. But in a way it is, a subtle form of control which I can manipulate (and have done so effectively). I wanted to explore how a person can get into someone's head so totally. I did ask P if it scared her for me to be in her head. She said she was perfectly happy and found it comforting. Even when I am distracting her. Her thoughts of me are wide and varied. They range from wondering what I am doing at a particular moment, how I'm feeling, how's my job through to how am I dressed, am I looking for something for our toy box, what am I planning for our next session. Her diaries often refer to her thoughts about me. Most common phrase is 'You are inside my head and I love it. You know all my thoughts.'
As the weeks have grown into months, and we have grown closer as D/s, I admit to knowing a lot of her thoughts. I know what makes her tick, what her buttons are, how to push them. I can say a few words and know the effect it has on her. I know what level it affects her and why. If I think about it seriously, it takes me by surprise. To know that I so totally affect another human being is slightly freaky, sometimes. Other times I quietly smile to myself as I realise how much I have infiltrated her life.
A sensible question is to ask whether this borders on abuse as it can be perceived as a form of mental control. And I have asked P if having me in her head in this way is uncomfortable or disturbing. P denies it is. And I have to trust her answers. All I do know is that when I see the smile on her face as she tells me how I have been the centre of her thoughts, her world for the last few days, I know that it isn't abuse. It's simply that I am inside her mind. And she loves it...
I wasn't going to make this an article on control, I'm leaving that for a future blog. But in a way it is, a subtle form of control which I can manipulate (and have done so effectively). I wanted to explore how a person can get into someone's head so totally. I did ask P if it scared her for me to be in her head. She said she was perfectly happy and found it comforting. Even when I am distracting her. Her thoughts of me are wide and varied. They range from wondering what I am doing at a particular moment, how I'm feeling, how's my job through to how am I dressed, am I looking for something for our toy box, what am I planning for our next session. Her diaries often refer to her thoughts about me. Most common phrase is 'You are inside my head and I love it. You know all my thoughts.'
As the weeks have grown into months, and we have grown closer as D/s, I admit to knowing a lot of her thoughts. I know what makes her tick, what her buttons are, how to push them. I can say a few words and know the effect it has on her. I know what level it affects her and why. If I think about it seriously, it takes me by surprise. To know that I so totally affect another human being is slightly freaky, sometimes. Other times I quietly smile to myself as I realise how much I have infiltrated her life.
A sensible question is to ask whether this borders on abuse as it can be perceived as a form of mental control. And I have asked P if having me in her head in this way is uncomfortable or disturbing. P denies it is. And I have to trust her answers. All I do know is that when I see the smile on her face as she tells me how I have been the centre of her thoughts, her world for the last few days, I know that it isn't abuse. It's simply that I am inside her mind. And she loves it...
14 July 2009
True submission
P has been writing diaries to me since the middle of February this year. Each one has developed and been a remarkable record of her progress as a submissive. I was browsing some of them last night and came across one she wrote to me on 02.03.09. There was a paragraph she quoted from another submissive to his Mistress. His words are relevant for all sub's regardless of their gender and who their D is. Reading them again brought home just what P's path is all about. I don't even know if she remembers the words but I can only hope that she still feels the same way....
"True submission to me is about yielding, not blindly, but in genuine desire to sacrifice something to the woman you are devoting yourself. For me, this sacrifice in pride or ego, in doing something you do not perhaps want or enjoy but that she does, is what submission means to me. It is about giving yourself, body and mind, over, out of self-less devotion to pleasure genuinely the other. This invariably means in part that you will be used, something that has such a negative connotation in our society, but it is a using none the less--one born again from devotional commitment to give yourself over to another for their selfish use of you and to selflessly please them, mind and body alike. It is about redirecting your own thoughts away from your own ego to hers, to be open to be moulded for her by her and regardless of want or desire, to yield to her needs, lovingly and obediently. For me, this new awaking of true submission has had a profound impact upon me and has afforded a deeper level of intimacy than I would have ever believed possible. To open yourself up to vulnerability and humiliation in doing acts you find deeply degrading even for the woman you love and want to devote yourself to, coming in time to crave such acts for her amusement and pleasure is true submission. It is not when you wish it, or how you wish it, or how you want it modified. It is not about your terms, but yielding to the terms of another. This is not, of course, to say you follow blindly in doing something genuinely dangerous or life threatening, but in sacrificing your ego over to hers and being that object of devotional gratification for her, utterly and completely selflessly."
"True submission to me is about yielding, not blindly, but in genuine desire to sacrifice something to the woman you are devoting yourself. For me, this sacrifice in pride or ego, in doing something you do not perhaps want or enjoy but that she does, is what submission means to me. It is about giving yourself, body and mind, over, out of self-less devotion to pleasure genuinely the other. This invariably means in part that you will be used, something that has such a negative connotation in our society, but it is a using none the less--one born again from devotional commitment to give yourself over to another for their selfish use of you and to selflessly please them, mind and body alike. It is about redirecting your own thoughts away from your own ego to hers, to be open to be moulded for her by her and regardless of want or desire, to yield to her needs, lovingly and obediently. For me, this new awaking of true submission has had a profound impact upon me and has afforded a deeper level of intimacy than I would have ever believed possible. To open yourself up to vulnerability and humiliation in doing acts you find deeply degrading even for the woman you love and want to devote yourself to, coming in time to crave such acts for her amusement and pleasure is true submission. It is not when you wish it, or how you wish it, or how you want it modified. It is not about your terms, but yielding to the terms of another. This is not, of course, to say you follow blindly in doing something genuinely dangerous or life threatening, but in sacrificing your ego over to hers and being that object of devotional gratification for her, utterly and completely selflessly."
13 July 2009
Boundaries
As P had never given over to her submissiveness so totally before, it was important that she knew what her hard and soft boundaries were. I knew that if P said she had no boundaries that it was a recipe for disaster. I instructed P to think about her boundaries, research the different play scenes she might encounter, and see what she was attracted to as well as what turned her off. Without those boundaries, I could not engage in any kind of secure play. Soft boundaries could be explored, discussed and stretched as she became more aware of her body and her desires. Hard boundaries would be complete 'red' zones for her and I would respect them always.
P was honest with me. Through our many online chats, she admitted that she had no idea what would be soft and hard boundaries. Being instructed to establish them gave her an additional purpose and responsibility towards her Lady. If I instigated a play scene which she later realised was a hard boundary, it might be too late before real pain and damage had been inflicted. We owed it to each other to be completely open and honest. It was a two way street. As her Lady, I had to know where the boundaries lay otherwise I could not ensure her welfare at all times.
Researching the different plays, the ways a D and s interact was something P embraced. I didn't expect to get any answers overnight but as long as I had something to go on before our first session, I would be happy. It would enable me to plan our first session with confidence, knowing I wouldn't hurt her intentionally. It took a couple of weeks but P informed me she had made her decision and we had a long chat about her hard and soft boundaries. The hard ones were also ones that I didn't have an interest in so we found ourselves well matched in that respect. There wasn't something that I craved to do which P wouldn't do. The soft boundaries of course, she realised she relinquished to me. P was already aware that I was getting inside her psyche, pushing her buttons. This was all part of the process. There were things dear to me which I wanted to introduce P to, and she knew what they were. She admitted she had no idea how she would react to them. Whether she would embrace them or fear them. Either way she knew it would ultimately be for my pleasure as well as hers. And that was at the heart of her submissiveness. To please her Lady.
So boundaries were set, and I was more secure with that knowledge. Hard boundaries protect, hard boundaries provide security. Soft boundaries can also be stretched, pushed and explored. I realised I had lots of buttons at my disposal and when P realised this, the excitement was all to clear for both of us.
P was honest with me. Through our many online chats, she admitted that she had no idea what would be soft and hard boundaries. Being instructed to establish them gave her an additional purpose and responsibility towards her Lady. If I instigated a play scene which she later realised was a hard boundary, it might be too late before real pain and damage had been inflicted. We owed it to each other to be completely open and honest. It was a two way street. As her Lady, I had to know where the boundaries lay otherwise I could not ensure her welfare at all times.
Researching the different plays, the ways a D and s interact was something P embraced. I didn't expect to get any answers overnight but as long as I had something to go on before our first session, I would be happy. It would enable me to plan our first session with confidence, knowing I wouldn't hurt her intentionally. It took a couple of weeks but P informed me she had made her decision and we had a long chat about her hard and soft boundaries. The hard ones were also ones that I didn't have an interest in so we found ourselves well matched in that respect. There wasn't something that I craved to do which P wouldn't do. The soft boundaries of course, she realised she relinquished to me. P was already aware that I was getting inside her psyche, pushing her buttons. This was all part of the process. There were things dear to me which I wanted to introduce P to, and she knew what they were. She admitted she had no idea how she would react to them. Whether she would embrace them or fear them. Either way she knew it would ultimately be for my pleasure as well as hers. And that was at the heart of her submissiveness. To please her Lady.
So boundaries were set, and I was more secure with that knowledge. Hard boundaries protect, hard boundaries provide security. Soft boundaries can also be stretched, pushed and explored. I realised I had lots of buttons at my disposal and when P realised this, the excitement was all to clear for both of us.
Who are we?
Both P and I researched long and hard to see if there were any other F/f D/s relationships or articles online which could help us. We discovered there was a plethero of information for M/f, F/m and a smattering of M/m but virtually nothing concerning F/f relationships. Which made us wonder who we were? Were we closet lesbians? We immediately dismissed this as we've both had relationships with guys, but still hoped to find someone for us. I was aware I had latent bi-sexual tendancies having experienced a loving relationship with an old friend many years ago. In fact we remain best friends and have moved on from the sexual side of our deep love and care for each other. If anything it meant P & I couldn't be labelled. I may decide to allow my bi-sexual nature to come out to play more as we develop our D/s relationship. I don't know. I do know that alone in our chamber, P can excite me beyond reason. Whether P is ready for anything like that is another matter, though she has expressed her wish to serve me beyond what she once thought were the normal paremeters of being a sub.
We both wanted to research as much as possible which meant sorting through the crap for the good stuff. With careful sifting we were able to bookmark several websites which contained the sort of information we needed. A lot of it was for P who was desperate to digest as much as possible. She wanted to understand what the journey meant for her as much as mine did for me. Although she was far more accepting of her submissiveness, it didn't mean she pretended to know everything. And neither did I. In fact we both knew, we were novices and if we wanted to be serious about this committment, we had to study and learn and read.
I still do read - anything from online articles to books and blogs. I am always learning and will never say I am an expert D. Not for a long time yet. I also have a great mentor in Jay but he wants to let me stand on my own two feet and not be swayed by his opinions. He guides and advises, then steps back to allow me to make my own decision. Sometimes I use him as a soundboard, to know if I am approaching something correctly. I trust his judgement implicitly.
But as for who are we? May be it doesn't matter. This whole blog is about a Domme and her sub, at the beginning of their journey. There is no right or wrong way, only our way. And that's all we need to know.
We both wanted to research as much as possible which meant sorting through the crap for the good stuff. With careful sifting we were able to bookmark several websites which contained the sort of information we needed. A lot of it was for P who was desperate to digest as much as possible. She wanted to understand what the journey meant for her as much as mine did for me. Although she was far more accepting of her submissiveness, it didn't mean she pretended to know everything. And neither did I. In fact we both knew, we were novices and if we wanted to be serious about this committment, we had to study and learn and read.
I still do read - anything from online articles to books and blogs. I am always learning and will never say I am an expert D. Not for a long time yet. I also have a great mentor in Jay but he wants to let me stand on my own two feet and not be swayed by his opinions. He guides and advises, then steps back to allow me to make my own decision. Sometimes I use him as a soundboard, to know if I am approaching something correctly. I trust his judgement implicitly.
But as for who are we? May be it doesn't matter. This whole blog is about a Domme and her sub, at the beginning of their journey. There is no right or wrong way, only our way. And that's all we need to know.
12 July 2009
Instructions
Being a dominant isn't just a case of wearing stereotypical clothes, wielding a whip and demanding to be called 'Mistress' or 'My Lady'. It's much more complicated than that. Before I decided to ask P to be my sub, I had already begun to research what a D actually means. What my role is, what my sub expects of me, what I expect of my sub. It's about creating an emotional bond between two people. A bond of complete trust.
During the weeks up to our first session, I quickly established a set of instructions or protocols for P to follow. She welcomed them as it helped her to prepare for our first session. My instructions included items I wanted her to use in preparation for her session and every subsequent session. How I expected her to present herself, how to address me, tasks I required her to do before our session. This excited P beyond words, made our situation real, gave her clear and concise instruction. She was also nervous but in a good way.
The instructions also led to us having intimate discussions about how I wanted her to dress, clothes she might buy specifically for her Lady, how much make up to wear, if she could use perfume. It was like a domino effect. She was excited to buy the specific purchases I had instructed her to obtain. She enjoyed shopping for the clothes. Her diaries reflected this and showed me how much she was embracing her submissiveness before we had even started a real session.
Me being me, meant that I had a struggle over what is essentially a simple issue. Whether to ask her to kneel before me. At that time, I wasn't properly separating friend from sub. In my mind's eye I saw my friend kneel before me, not my sub. I felt I was humiliating her, demeaning her. In reality it was none of those things. P had no problem doing this. She expected to do it and wanted to do it. But she wisely left me to sort out this dilemma for myself. It was only a few days during which I wrote my instructions that I struggled. All the other instructions came naturally and effortlessly. The kneeling aspect was something I had to come to terms with as a dominant. Finally when I knew I couldn't delay emailing my instructions to P, I ensured that the kneeling was included in the protocols for P when she first steps into my chamber.
For P it was not a big deal or a problem. She seemed to be embracing the submissive side of herself. As she often wrote to me in her early diaries, she had found a sense of real peace for the first time in her life. I wasn't, not yet. Though writing the instructions was exciting and arousing in equal measure. It helped to create the bond between us. Although there have been many steps in our bonding, there are probably many more steps to yet to come.
The one thing I learned from this single process was that clear instruction isn't just required once or twice or emailed and forgotten. They are constant. They are necessary to ensure both of us know what is required during a session, whether it be actual or online. They also helped to define both our roles and created a path for both of us to follow.
During the weeks up to our first session, I quickly established a set of instructions or protocols for P to follow. She welcomed them as it helped her to prepare for our first session. My instructions included items I wanted her to use in preparation for her session and every subsequent session. How I expected her to present herself, how to address me, tasks I required her to do before our session. This excited P beyond words, made our situation real, gave her clear and concise instruction. She was also nervous but in a good way.
The instructions also led to us having intimate discussions about how I wanted her to dress, clothes she might buy specifically for her Lady, how much make up to wear, if she could use perfume. It was like a domino effect. She was excited to buy the specific purchases I had instructed her to obtain. She enjoyed shopping for the clothes. Her diaries reflected this and showed me how much she was embracing her submissiveness before we had even started a real session.
Me being me, meant that I had a struggle over what is essentially a simple issue. Whether to ask her to kneel before me. At that time, I wasn't properly separating friend from sub. In my mind's eye I saw my friend kneel before me, not my sub. I felt I was humiliating her, demeaning her. In reality it was none of those things. P had no problem doing this. She expected to do it and wanted to do it. But she wisely left me to sort out this dilemma for myself. It was only a few days during which I wrote my instructions that I struggled. All the other instructions came naturally and effortlessly. The kneeling aspect was something I had to come to terms with as a dominant. Finally when I knew I couldn't delay emailing my instructions to P, I ensured that the kneeling was included in the protocols for P when she first steps into my chamber.
For P it was not a big deal or a problem. She seemed to be embracing the submissive side of herself. As she often wrote to me in her early diaries, she had found a sense of real peace for the first time in her life. I wasn't, not yet. Though writing the instructions was exciting and arousing in equal measure. It helped to create the bond between us. Although there have been many steps in our bonding, there are probably many more steps to yet to come.
The one thing I learned from this single process was that clear instruction isn't just required once or twice or emailed and forgotten. They are constant. They are necessary to ensure both of us know what is required during a session, whether it be actual or online. They also helped to define both our roles and created a path for both of us to follow.
To be or not to be
We set a date for our first session the weekend of 14 March. P was to travel down to me the day before and stay with me for the weekend. Five weeks after making our decision to take this journey together. Those weeks before our first meeting I started to have doubts (doubts which I would wrestle with for many weeks afterwards).
I would stand in front of my mirror and I wouldn’t see a Domme. I just saw me. I began to doubt myself, what I wanted, what I needed. Whether I could do it, whether I could command P’s respect. Whether I would let her down, if I could be strong enough. Be everything she wanted, everything she needed. I fought my own demons. Having experienced a brief period of abuse as a child, I wondered if my desire to be a dominant was a throw back to that. May be I was being an abuser? What if I took advantage of my situation and inflicted more than just sensual pain or fleeting pain of punishment that would soon be forgotten?
I was also frightened of my responsibilities as P’s Lady. P was putting her soul into my hands and trusting me not to drop it. Not just her soul but her physical body. She trusted me completely and without fear. That I could guide her, teach her, train her, love her. And she wanted to offer herself to me. To be my sub, without condition but with unconditional love and devotion. It was quite humbling to have another human being to do this so openly. She wanted to embrace her submissiveness totally.
I had so many doubts I contemplated withdrawing my offer of being P’s Lady several times. I stressed and fretted immensely. I often turned to my friend who I shall just call Jay, a Dom of great understanding and patience. He would listen and provide a shoulder for me to cry on. Yes I cried. Many tears were shed in those weeks as I struggled to accept who I was and what I wanted to do. Her diaries set off a chain reaction of suppressed emotions. Years of yearning to be this side of me, kept hidden in the dark but now brought into the light. She is sometimes terrifying. Her presence within me strong and all consuming when She is allowed out to play. I wanted to ensure P and I had clear definitions between what was friendship and what was our D/s relationship.
Jay reassured me that I was being perfectly normal. There were no labels concerning our latent needs and desires. As long as we were two consenting adults, and no one else was harmed, there was nothing to fear. But I feared myself. Whether I could control myself once inside my ‘chamber’. Sometimes it was as if I was split in two, Her and me. The same and yet different. P was quick to understand my dilemma. She was confident of our definitions between the two relationships but I don’t think she truly understood why I became so upset about the whole concept. Not until much later when I confided to her why I feared I could become an abuser. Until then all she could do was instil in me that it was what she wanted and she wanted to do it with me, no one else. She trusted me implicitly. Yet I continued to argue with myself. Never coming to a conclusion, not then. But much later I did which I will explain in another blog. Until that point, I was in turmoil emotionally, something I never expected. But this was my first exploration of myself, who I truly wanted to be.
I knew that at some point I had to learn to love myself and accept this side of me, otherwise we couldn’t continue.
I would stand in front of my mirror and I wouldn’t see a Domme. I just saw me. I began to doubt myself, what I wanted, what I needed. Whether I could do it, whether I could command P’s respect. Whether I would let her down, if I could be strong enough. Be everything she wanted, everything she needed. I fought my own demons. Having experienced a brief period of abuse as a child, I wondered if my desire to be a dominant was a throw back to that. May be I was being an abuser? What if I took advantage of my situation and inflicted more than just sensual pain or fleeting pain of punishment that would soon be forgotten?
I was also frightened of my responsibilities as P’s Lady. P was putting her soul into my hands and trusting me not to drop it. Not just her soul but her physical body. She trusted me completely and without fear. That I could guide her, teach her, train her, love her. And she wanted to offer herself to me. To be my sub, without condition but with unconditional love and devotion. It was quite humbling to have another human being to do this so openly. She wanted to embrace her submissiveness totally.
I had so many doubts I contemplated withdrawing my offer of being P’s Lady several times. I stressed and fretted immensely. I often turned to my friend who I shall just call Jay, a Dom of great understanding and patience. He would listen and provide a shoulder for me to cry on. Yes I cried. Many tears were shed in those weeks as I struggled to accept who I was and what I wanted to do. Her diaries set off a chain reaction of suppressed emotions. Years of yearning to be this side of me, kept hidden in the dark but now brought into the light. She is sometimes terrifying. Her presence within me strong and all consuming when She is allowed out to play. I wanted to ensure P and I had clear definitions between what was friendship and what was our D/s relationship.
Jay reassured me that I was being perfectly normal. There were no labels concerning our latent needs and desires. As long as we were two consenting adults, and no one else was harmed, there was nothing to fear. But I feared myself. Whether I could control myself once inside my ‘chamber’. Sometimes it was as if I was split in two, Her and me. The same and yet different. P was quick to understand my dilemma. She was confident of our definitions between the two relationships but I don’t think she truly understood why I became so upset about the whole concept. Not until much later when I confided to her why I feared I could become an abuser. Until then all she could do was instil in me that it was what she wanted and she wanted to do it with me, no one else. She trusted me implicitly. Yet I continued to argue with myself. Never coming to a conclusion, not then. But much later I did which I will explain in another blog. Until that point, I was in turmoil emotionally, something I never expected. But this was my first exploration of myself, who I truly wanted to be.
I knew that at some point I had to learn to love myself and accept this side of me, otherwise we couldn’t continue.
Trial and Error
The following weeks were all about that. First I instructed P to write diaries for me. This was our first step in communication, which is so vitally important in any relationship, but in ours even more so. Most of our conversations are online so to a certain extent you can hide yourself from another person. But P and I know each other very well and are able to pick up on any nuances. Even so, I made mistakes and I’m sure I still will do.
P’s diaries at first were every day or every other day (work and real life permitting). We both agreed not to allow this side to interfere with our real lives or careers or our friendship. As P has often said, she would rather give Her up, than lose me as a friend. We are friends first and foremost. Her and her s are just a small part of us. The diaries were open and honest dealing with many of P’s issues about her body, how she viewed herself etc. If nothing else I wanted P to love her body and reconnect with it again. Something she hadn’t done for several years. Hence I sometimes view what I do as helping a friend whom I care about.
I started to organise a couple of e-sessions using our internet chat. Nowadays they are far more loose and fluid, sometimes just shared fantasies or scenes we might wish to explore in greater depth. But originally it was a way for me to establish control over P. With her laptop in her room, she could safely participate without being disturbed. It was only a couple of weeks later when P & I were in a completely different chat room and we were having our own private side conversation as D/s. Something that happened in the general chat I transposed into ours and sent her to the corner of her room for 3 minutes (rather like the naughty spot). We discussed how she felt, her shame and humiliation. But it wasn’t until after the main chat had ended P told me that I never said the punishment was over and she was absolved of her sins. And that I had done this once before which left her confused.
I was mortified and immediately apologised. I had punished, accepted her sincere apology but not absolved her. If she had been physically with me, I would have hugged her and reassured her. Instead I had to do it via cyberspace which didn’t seem to be so effective. But P reassured me she still had complete faith and trust in me. Well I have (even now) forgotten to absolve. I have to make myself remember once the heat of the punishment is completed. Otherwise she never forgets. I know that I will continue to make mistakes but I have a very understanding and trusting sub who accepts that I am human and will make mistakes. Just as she knows she will make mistakes as my sub.
But that is what this journey is all about. And what helps to make us stronger.
P’s diaries at first were every day or every other day (work and real life permitting). We both agreed not to allow this side to interfere with our real lives or careers or our friendship. As P has often said, she would rather give Her up, than lose me as a friend. We are friends first and foremost. Her and her s are just a small part of us. The diaries were open and honest dealing with many of P’s issues about her body, how she viewed herself etc. If nothing else I wanted P to love her body and reconnect with it again. Something she hadn’t done for several years. Hence I sometimes view what I do as helping a friend whom I care about.
I started to organise a couple of e-sessions using our internet chat. Nowadays they are far more loose and fluid, sometimes just shared fantasies or scenes we might wish to explore in greater depth. But originally it was a way for me to establish control over P. With her laptop in her room, she could safely participate without being disturbed. It was only a couple of weeks later when P & I were in a completely different chat room and we were having our own private side conversation as D/s. Something that happened in the general chat I transposed into ours and sent her to the corner of her room for 3 minutes (rather like the naughty spot). We discussed how she felt, her shame and humiliation. But it wasn’t until after the main chat had ended P told me that I never said the punishment was over and she was absolved of her sins. And that I had done this once before which left her confused.
I was mortified and immediately apologised. I had punished, accepted her sincere apology but not absolved her. If she had been physically with me, I would have hugged her and reassured her. Instead I had to do it via cyberspace which didn’t seem to be so effective. But P reassured me she still had complete faith and trust in me. Well I have (even now) forgotten to absolve. I have to make myself remember once the heat of the punishment is completed. Otherwise she never forgets. I know that I will continue to make mistakes but I have a very understanding and trusting sub who accepts that I am human and will make mistakes. Just as she knows she will make mistakes as my sub.
But that is what this journey is all about. And what helps to make us stronger.
11 July 2009
Beginnings...
It was 8 February 2009 when I finally plucked up the courage to ask my friend, P, if she would be my submissive. We’d only known each other for a short while, but realised we had many shared interests from music to books to sci-fi. And also BDSM. P had a latent desire to be submissive. She’s had two previous boyfriends who had not been able to deliver what she needed. P had been single for several years and was in no hurry for another failed relationship. She also knew she needed to fulfil her dark desires. I knew I wanted to be a dominant but didn’t know where to start, or who with. I didn’t want to start a career in it, just to explore that side of me in a secure and safe environment with someone who trusted me, and someone I trusted to share this side of me with.
I had another friend who is a Dom and he suggested starting with a friend as he had done many years ago. Of course finding a friend who matched that was difficult. But P came into my life at the right time. I believe in Fate being a very spiritual person. During December 2008 and January 2009, P and I had many late night online discussions about BDSM. What turned us on, what didn’t, what we wanted from it, and whether we could actually put it into practise if we found the right person. Our discussions were frank and open. And the more we talked, the more I realised that I wanted her to be my first submissive.
But how to ask? Would I be rejected? Would she laugh? Would it ruin our wonderful friendship permanently? Would she be horrified? The more I thought about it, the more certain I became that she would be right for me. But asking her was downright terrifying. I sought advice from my Dom friend and he just said for me to ask. Eventually I plucked up the courage. The words didn’t flow exactly as I wished and it seemed I was asking without actually asking! P was the one who said ‘are you asking me to be your submissive?’ and I said ‘well I suppose I am!’ I was all tongue tied and nervous! But P immediately said ‘yes!’ and thus our journey had begun.
Once the question was asked and she accepted, the hard work began……
I had another friend who is a Dom and he suggested starting with a friend as he had done many years ago. Of course finding a friend who matched that was difficult. But P came into my life at the right time. I believe in Fate being a very spiritual person. During December 2008 and January 2009, P and I had many late night online discussions about BDSM. What turned us on, what didn’t, what we wanted from it, and whether we could actually put it into practise if we found the right person. Our discussions were frank and open. And the more we talked, the more I realised that I wanted her to be my first submissive.
But how to ask? Would I be rejected? Would she laugh? Would it ruin our wonderful friendship permanently? Would she be horrified? The more I thought about it, the more certain I became that she would be right for me. But asking her was downright terrifying. I sought advice from my Dom friend and he just said for me to ask. Eventually I plucked up the courage. The words didn’t flow exactly as I wished and it seemed I was asking without actually asking! P was the one who said ‘are you asking me to be your submissive?’ and I said ‘well I suppose I am!’ I was all tongue tied and nervous! But P immediately said ‘yes!’ and thus our journey had begun.
Once the question was asked and she accepted, the hard work began……
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