Meltdown

After the highs of session, come the incredible lows. I had read all about Domme drop but experiencing it is something else. Whenever P left me, I was overcome with emotion. The first parting was akin to having an arm ripped from me. The crash would take a couple of days to work through before I would emerge from the other side. I relied on Jay a lot in those dark days when I wrestled with my conscience. Then when P left after staying with me for Easter, I hit rock bottom. It took a few days for me to slide down to it, but when I got there, I went into meltdown. And I wrote to P...

"I’ve been thinking this last week about what we’ve started and where we’re going. I know that I always think too much and analysis but I can’t seem to shake off certain feelings. Sometimes I feel so incredibly guilty over what I do to you and can’t seem to reconcile myself with it. This side of me is sometimes too strong to handle, and very overwhelming. I was hoping it would settle down once we’d had a couple of sessions but it hasn’t. How I felt last Sunday scared me, I was an emotional wreck and I lost it big time. I am having great difficulty reconciling myself to being dominant and I don’t feel comfortable or confident in the role. I know that as we e-chat, talking to each other face to face is problematic, but I really can’t seem to find any words to say. My mouth goes dry; I shake and feel ashamed of everything. Unless I can accept and understand this part of me and find peace and happiness there, I will just continue to beat myself up over this and make myself even more upset than I already am. I know this will upset you as you are so very sure and certain of your true self. And I am so so sorry for that. But I am not so sure or certain. You can reply without hesitation that you know it was the right thing for you and it makes you so happy. I can’t say that. I always hesitate and have doubts, fears and anxieties. If I feel like this now, then I don’t think I will ever change.

I really don’t know who I am anymore or what I am. I think I need to take a step back and think things through. I need to know if this is the right decision for me or not. I don’t know how long this will take or what the outcome will be. I know this will upset you and I truly don’t know what else to say other than I am so so sorry and feel so ashamed and guilty at having shown you a glimpse of happiness, only to take it away from you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me and I don’t seek it from you. You may not even understand why. All I do ask is that you don’t hate me."

I sent the email and didn't expect to hear from P again. However, as she often tells me, it only proved to me how stubborn she is, as well as how much of a friend she is too. Her reply was short and succinct until we were able to chat later:

"I knew something was wrong...You know I'd never knowingly hurt you and the fact that you have been hurt upsets me more than any decisions you might make. We don't have to talk every night and if you need space then that is not a problem. Yes I enjoy our chats but your happiness is more important. You are very special to me, even more so than She is, and having your friendship in my life makes me happier than anything. I want you to be happy, relaxed and comfortable around me otherwise you won't want to spend time with me, and I'll do anything I can to help with that. If it means giving up my Lady, then I will do that too, you are a very special person. Perhaps a line was crossed last week but I'm not going to regret it. Life is just too short for regrets, you told me that."

So there I was at rock bottom. I could either throw it all away or drag myself up by my boots and accept myself. And that's when I began my slow turnaround. It took me the remaining few weeks until P returned to me to go through the process of acceptance and be fully prepared for our next sessions. After all the turmoil, I can honestly say the journey has been hard, but worth it. For now I am reconciled to my inner self, fully embracing of it and all it entails. And I know that P is even more happy that I am finally happy too.