Acceptance

My journey has been all about that, acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what it means to me, the changes in my life, the new direction it takes, and the new person in my life who I now have a certain level of responsibility for. I openly admit it has been hard, with a lot of soul searching, pain and suppressed emotions. I had often thought the origins of my dominant trait linked back to when I was abused and it was just my mental payback for what happened. Seemed like a logical explanation. But as I grew from teens to adulthood, I still had my dominant fantasies. I suppressed them so they only existed in my head, at night when I lay alone in my bed. And used them to help get me aroused and excited. I felt guilty for doing it, for using faceless men to enact my heartless actions upon.

I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.

One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.

I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.

After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.

The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.

Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.

So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.