How do I control thee?

Let me count the ways.

Okay I'll stop with the massacre of Shakespeare and get on with the article.  But at least you know what it's going to be about.   There are many ways to control within a D/s relationship.  Over the course of my journey with P, I have been able to exert more and more control over her as time goes on.  And of course, some of it has been trial and error.  What works for us might not work for someone else.  We also have the added difficulty of having a long distance relationship so everything we do has to backed up with absolute trust.  I trust P that when I tell her to do something, she does it.  And visa versa if needs be.

For me, I can place my control mechanisms into two camps.  Mental control and physical control.  The mental control can be subtle, gentle, applied over time.  Other times it can be as subtle as a brick, in your face, made obvious.  Physical control is often used during sessions, when I am able to be with her or see her such as when we do an e-session via Skype.  One thing I have discovered is that both sides often merge so that the control can be both mental and physical.  So let's try and separate them first and start with mental control.

I like to get inside P's mind, know what makes her tick, her likes and dislikes.  I have done that through her many diaries that she sends me.  Gradually I have invaded her mind, almost like being inside it.  Often in the past, P has told me that she will think of me at random times of the day.  Especially when it nears the time for a visit or e-session.  I fill her thoughts completely.  Anticipation and a certain healthy amount of trepidation help to accelerate this.  I like being there.  For one it's a little bit slutty!  I have been able to open up her inner most thoughts, something she has found difficult to do in the past.  A lot of the mental control I have over P now is the result of all the previous months and sessions we've spent together.  It's been a learning curve for both of us.  I know I can flick her internal 'switch'.  Play sessions have enabled me to gauge her reactions, know her limits.  How far can I push or punish her?  The biggest thing mentally is that she knows she's there for my pleasure, my enjoyment.  She's my toy.  And her will to submit to me hasn't diminished.  In fact it has grown.  I have been able to exert more control over her.  Now I have started to train her to serve me, do things for me, pamper me.  This is a different kind of control.  No bondage or pain is required.  It is all about my needs and her wish to please me.  I know that quite often, she is thinking of me, of my dominance over her.  My words are just as effect as any of my actions.  I have reprimanded her, praised her, teased and denied her with equal affect.  Sometimes I now don't even need to say anything.  I can just give her one look and she understands what it means.  That is very pleasing for me.  To have that amount of mental control over her.  She knows by my reaction whether she has pleased me or not.  It's almost like remote control sometimes.  P has told me it's rather like Big Brother, someone is always watching her.

Physical control is more hands on.  In its basic form it comprises of bondage and restraint.  In whatever degree I wish.  Sometimes it's just her wrists, other times it's all appendages so she is completely helpless.  I like to control her senses, deprive her of one of them heightening the others.  The most common way is blindfold.  Unable to see, I have the element of surprise at my disposal.  I can see her reactions and be fluid in how I decide to use and play with her.  Even without restraint, I can control her to do as I wish.  Kneel, lay down, kiss my shoe or boot, stand still, stand in the corner and face the wall.  This one I use for punishment and combines both elements of physical and mental.  And with servitude, I control her every move.  Fetch this, do that, kneel here, wait, massage my feet.  Or just be there for me to pet every now and again and if you're very good, you can rest your head on my lap while I stroke your hair.

One of my favourite control mechanisms is the touching ban.  Physically frustrating for anyone with a hint of a sex drive, mentally devastating.  Usually I impose this a couple of days prior to a visit and a day before an e-session.  It helps to concentrate her mind on what is to come.   I have also used it for punishment.  I think the longest she was banned was almost a week.  That was very difficult for her, but she knew why it was imposed (along with a few other things) and it worked.  Now she hasn't got to the begging stage during a ban, but I'm sure in her mind she has.  Begging.  P is uncomfortable begging.  I love to hear it.  I make her beg to ask me to cum.  She has to beg badly (or good) enough for me to grant it.  And depending on how I feel, I might allow it and then again I might not.

I wasn't expecting this to be quite so long and I don't think I've covered every aspect of control between us.  But it does give you an idea of what happens within a D/s dynamic.  May be it even gives you a few ideas to use for your own D/s.  It's only when you try and write it down, that you realise just how much goes into a D/s on both sides.  Ultimately she trusts me and puts herself in my hands.  To give that level of submission must be the ultimate symbol of my control over her.

Reminders

They may only be little things, but there are things that connect us even when we are apart. Things that remind me of when P was here. Like sand in my car, a hair on the car seat, her smell on my pillow. The one main reminder of her is located in my airing cupboard. It's her kneeling cushion. It's fluffy and a light brown colour. A neat square of kneeling perfection. When P departed after our first weekend, she accidentally left the cushion behind. I emailed her to ask if she had left it on purpose and P replied that she had completely forgotten to take it with her. However we were both glad she had. It was something tangible, something real that I could touch, hold and snuggle into whenever I missed her. And I admit I missed her, a lot.

I found that having the cushion out in plain sight made the absence worse. The reminder was too much to bear. So I put the cushion away in the airing cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was for a couple of weeks. Until P & I set our next date, Easter and she would be able to stay with me for over a week. A luxury for both of us. I was missing P in so many different ways. First as my friend. The weekend we spent together had enabled us to spend precious time together. We went out for drives along the coast, long walks on beaches, shopped together, ate and drank together. Laughed, shared stories and watched favourite films together. Bonding on a different level entirely compared to the D/s relationship.

As her Domme, the relationship had only just started. But my heart already ached for her. Inside there was a hole in my soul. I was missing a vital link, a part of me had departed and we were separated by miles and miles and miles. I missed her presence, her submissive soul, her entire being. I was almost bereft and I cried many tears in the first few days after she left. I wasn't prepared for such an emotional response. I knew that I would have to overcome this melancholy otherwise it would impinge on real life.

Once a new date had been set, I looked at the cushion more often. Then I began to take it out and hold it. I could feel P's presence on it and it made my Domme heart sing. So I kept putting it back. Until the day before she returned, then I removed it and placed it on what would be her bed for the duration of her stay. Where it should be, waiting for her to return.

P always leaves the cushion behind now. She discovered that it wasn't quite sufficient for her kneeling needs and is currently seeking a new one. But nothing will ever replace that cushion. She knows it helps me to get through the days and weeks until we meet again. I have struggled with the emotions within me when we are apart and gradually found ways to adapt so that I can carry on with real life and yet look forward to the next meetings rather than look back with sadness at the time lost.

There are so many reminders of her when she isn't here. And they linger for days after she has gone. But the cushion is a permanent reminder and will always be here, waiting for when she returns.