Trial and Error

The following weeks were all about that. First I instructed P to write diaries for me. This was our first step in communication, which is so vitally important in any relationship, but in ours even more so. Most of our conversations are online so to a certain extent you can hide yourself from another person. But P and I know each other very well and are able to pick up on any nuances. Even so, I made mistakes and I’m sure I still will do.

P’s diaries at first were every day or every other day (work and real life permitting). We both agreed not to allow this side to interfere with our real lives or careers or our friendship. As P has often said, she would rather give Her up, than lose me as a friend. We are friends first and foremost. Her and her s are just a small part of us. The diaries were open and honest dealing with many of P’s issues about her body, how she viewed herself etc. If nothing else I wanted P to love her body and reconnect with it again. Something she hadn’t done for several years. Hence I sometimes view what I do as helping a friend whom I care about.

I started to organise a couple of e-sessions using our internet chat. Nowadays they are far more loose and fluid, sometimes just shared fantasies or scenes we might wish to explore in greater depth. But originally it was a way for me to establish control over P. With her laptop in her room, she could safely participate without being disturbed. It was only a couple of weeks later when P & I were in a completely different chat room and we were having our own private side conversation as D/s. Something that happened in the general chat I transposed into ours and sent her to the corner of her room for 3 minutes (rather like the naughty spot). We discussed how she felt, her shame and humiliation. But it wasn’t until after the main chat had ended P told me that I never said the punishment was over and she was absolved of her sins. And that I had done this once before which left her confused.

I was mortified and immediately apologised. I had punished, accepted her sincere apology but not absolved her. If she had been physically with me, I would have hugged her and reassured her. Instead I had to do it via cyberspace which didn’t seem to be so effective. But P reassured me she still had complete faith and trust in me. Well I have (even now) forgotten to absolve. I have to make myself remember once the heat of the punishment is completed. Otherwise she never forgets. I know that I will continue to make mistakes but I have a very understanding and trusting sub who accepts that I am human and will make mistakes. Just as she knows she will make mistakes as my sub.

But that is what this journey is all about. And what helps to make us stronger.