To be or not to be

We set a date for our first session the weekend of 14 March. P was to travel down to me the day before and stay with me for the weekend. Five weeks after making our decision to take this journey together. Those weeks before our first meeting I started to have doubts (doubts which I would wrestle with for many weeks afterwards).

I would stand in front of my mirror and I wouldn’t see a Domme. I just saw me. I began to doubt myself, what I wanted, what I needed. Whether I could do it, whether I could command P’s respect. Whether I would let her down, if I could be strong enough. Be everything she wanted, everything she needed. I fought my own demons. Having experienced a brief period of abuse as a child, I wondered if my desire to be a dominant was a throw back to that. May be I was being an abuser? What if I took advantage of my situation and inflicted more than just sensual pain or fleeting pain of punishment that would soon be forgotten?

I was also frightened of my responsibilities as P’s Lady. P was putting her soul into my hands and trusting me not to drop it. Not just her soul but her physical body. She trusted me completely and without fear. That I could guide her, teach her, train her, love her. And she wanted to offer herself to me. To be my sub, without condition but with unconditional love and devotion. It was quite humbling to have another human being to do this so openly. She wanted to embrace her submissiveness totally.

I had so many doubts I contemplated withdrawing my offer of being P’s Lady several times. I stressed and fretted immensely. I often turned to my friend who I shall just call Jay, a Dom of great understanding and patience. He would listen and provide a shoulder for me to cry on. Yes I cried. Many tears were shed in those weeks as I struggled to accept who I was and what I wanted to do. Her diaries set off a chain reaction of suppressed emotions. Years of yearning to be this side of me, kept hidden in the dark but now brought into the light. She is sometimes terrifying. Her presence within me strong and all consuming when She is allowed out to play. I wanted to ensure P and I had clear definitions between what was friendship and what was our D/s relationship.

Jay reassured me that I was being perfectly normal. There were no labels concerning our latent needs and desires. As long as we were two consenting adults, and no one else was harmed, there was nothing to fear. But I feared myself. Whether I could control myself once inside my ‘chamber’. Sometimes it was as if I was split in two, Her and me. The same and yet different. P was quick to understand my dilemma. She was confident of our definitions between the two relationships but I don’t think she truly understood why I became so upset about the whole concept. Not until much later when I confided to her why I feared I could become an abuser. Until then all she could do was instil in me that it was what she wanted and she wanted to do it with me, no one else. She trusted me implicitly. Yet I continued to argue with myself. Never coming to a conclusion, not then. But much later I did which I will explain in another blog. Until that point, I was in turmoil emotionally, something I never expected. But this was my first exploration of myself, who I truly wanted to be.

I knew that at some point I had to learn to love myself and accept this side of me, otherwise we couldn’t continue.