Inside her mind

Almost from the first day she accepted my proposal to become my sub, P has said that I am inside her mind. She often tells me (in writing or in chat or in session) that I am in her head. Sometimes at the most inappropriate moments such as at work, in a meeting, doing the shopping. In fact at almost anytime during the day, I can pop into her head and completely throw her train of thought out the window. And when she's at home, alone, in her bedroom, especially at night, I am there even more. Which I take as a compliment! But it's something I've never thought about before.

I wasn't going to make this an article on control, I'm leaving that for a future blog. But in a way it is, a subtle form of control which I can manipulate (and have done so effectively). I wanted to explore how a person can get into someone's head so totally. I did ask P if it scared her for me to be in her head. She said she was perfectly happy and found it comforting. Even when I am distracting her. Her thoughts of me are wide and varied. They range from wondering what I am doing at a particular moment, how I'm feeling, how's my job through to how am I dressed, am I looking for something for our toy box, what am I planning for our next session. Her diaries often refer to her thoughts about me. Most common phrase is 'You are inside my head and I love it. You know all my thoughts.'

As the weeks have grown into months, and we have grown closer as D/s, I admit to knowing a lot of her thoughts. I know what makes her tick, what her buttons are, how to push them. I can say a few words and know the effect it has on her. I know what level it affects her and why. If I think about it seriously, it takes me by surprise. To know that I so totally affect another human being is slightly freaky, sometimes. Other times I quietly smile to myself as I realise how much I have infiltrated her life.

A sensible question is to ask whether this borders on abuse as it can be perceived as a form of mental control. And I have asked P if having me in her head in this way is uncomfortable or disturbing. P denies it is. And I have to trust her answers. All I do know is that when I see the smile on her face as she tells me how I have been the centre of her thoughts, her world for the last few days, I know that it isn't abuse. It's simply that I am inside her mind. And she loves it...