Why today of all days should my old doubts and fears return? Strong enough to make me question who I am, why I do this, what am I doing it for and most importantly should I be doing this? I did this once before and my guilt over domination became so great I ran away from it for six months only to recently return. I never read of this on anyone else's blog or journals. May be I am too honest and admit to being a human being. I know that P has no problems with her submission. I have struggled on and off to accept my dominant side, embrace it and enjoy it. It all sounds rather stupid doesn't it. We are having an e-session tonight but I sat here earlier and thought about calling it off. I couldn't go through with it. Emotionally I was brought to tears as I looked at what everyone else has been doing on FetLife and felt a rather ineffectual dominant. I felt I was only playing around with it, that I was almost a fraud in the BDSM culture. But someone told me today that my experiences are no more invalid than hers, just different rungs of the same ladder.
P has always said I put too much pressure on myself to deliver as her Lady and I know that's true. I should learn to step back, embrace and enjoy it and not be consumed by guilt. She loves me in all ways and being D/s is just one small facet of our relationship. In RL things are equal and loving. Often she is my rock and my shoulder to cry on. In RL I am far less expressive and unable to open up properly. Love has always alluded me until we met. I have a lot of baggage that she has slowly been chipping away at. As her Domme, I free myself for a while of these chains and am able to express myself. I am an enigma, complex and deep spirited. Even I don't understand myself sometimes.
I did what I always do, I gave myself a stern talking to and got on with life. I made myself stop blubbing and being pitiful. I made myself see that every other aspect of my life is wonderful and bless what I have been given. And I should bless this side of me just as much. I shouldn't keep on seeing the negative, but focus on what pleasures this gives me, the positive effect is has on me and let me dominant soul sing.
A Dominant is human, whether male or female, and because of that we all experience the full flood of human emotions. Feeling a little self-doubt is normal, especially for someone who new to the lifestyle. You may have doubts (whatever they are) that make you doubt your own Dominance, but remember, someone is depending on you, your Dominance, to guide her, to give her strength, and to be there when she has her own doubts. She will love you, no matter what, but step back, take a deep breath and dive right back in. You ARE Dominant. You can draw strength from the knowledge that she believes in you. So believe in yourself. It's the best thing you can do for her.
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