And I am complete
For tomorrow she will kneel at my feet
And offer herself
For me to enjoy
For me to retrain
For me to restrain
For me to inspect
For me to punish
For me to love
25 July 2009
24 July 2009
I want you to use me
P said those words to me two night ago when we were chatting online. Never have six words had so much impact on me before. She was sincere, honest, open, truthful and trusting of me that I could use her how I wished without breaking our trust or her hard boundaries. I admit my mind raced as soon as the words appeared in my chat window.
BDSM is all about three words - safe, sane and consensual. Safe - in that the people involved do not intentionally harm one another and all precautions are taken. Sane - it's not part of a crazed idea which would be both unsafe and insane. Consensual - both parties consent to acts that have been openly discussed or give their consent to acts that are within pre-determined boundaries. So using P has to remain within those parameters. If it doesn't then I am abusing her, and not 'using' her for my own (and her) pleasure.
Of course, we have established a level of trust over the last six months which means that we 'know' that what we choose to do isn't abuse. We are still on our bonding path and I always strive to ensure that whatever I do with P, it is safe, absolutely sane and consensual. Part of this is sharing fantasies, discussing articles or scenes we have read or just letting our imaginations go for a while. And another part of that allowing me to trust myself as P's Dominant not to let us down. That I know just how far I can push her, that I know where to draw the line and when to stop.
But that doesn't stop me from becoming excited beyond reason when I realise what I could do with P. All the possibilities laid bare before me are spine tingling, erotic, arousing and mind blowing. Novice that I am, I sometimes feel that what I experience is nothing new to many other Dominant out there with far more knowledge than I. However, we each have our own individual journeys and none are the same. All our paths are different. But I suspect that we all go through similar issues at some point on those paths.
I suspect that no matter how long P and I are together, I will always go weak at the knees when she says to me 'I want you to use me.' Inside my heart and stomach will leap, tie up in knots, my mind will go wild and I will think some dark desires that although may initially unnerve me, I will succumb and use her. For my own pleasure. And I will love every second.
BDSM is all about three words - safe, sane and consensual. Safe - in that the people involved do not intentionally harm one another and all precautions are taken. Sane - it's not part of a crazed idea which would be both unsafe and insane. Consensual - both parties consent to acts that have been openly discussed or give their consent to acts that are within pre-determined boundaries. So using P has to remain within those parameters. If it doesn't then I am abusing her, and not 'using' her for my own (and her) pleasure.
Of course, we have established a level of trust over the last six months which means that we 'know' that what we choose to do isn't abuse. We are still on our bonding path and I always strive to ensure that whatever I do with P, it is safe, absolutely sane and consensual. Part of this is sharing fantasies, discussing articles or scenes we have read or just letting our imaginations go for a while. And another part of that allowing me to trust myself as P's Dominant not to let us down. That I know just how far I can push her, that I know where to draw the line and when to stop.
But that doesn't stop me from becoming excited beyond reason when I realise what I could do with P. All the possibilities laid bare before me are spine tingling, erotic, arousing and mind blowing. Novice that I am, I sometimes feel that what I experience is nothing new to many other Dominant out there with far more knowledge than I. However, we each have our own individual journeys and none are the same. All our paths are different. But I suspect that we all go through similar issues at some point on those paths.
I suspect that no matter how long P and I are together, I will always go weak at the knees when she says to me 'I want you to use me.' Inside my heart and stomach will leap, tie up in knots, my mind will go wild and I will think some dark desires that although may initially unnerve me, I will succumb and use her. For my own pleasure. And I will love every second.
21 July 2009
Acceptance
My journey has been all about that, acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what it means to me, the changes in my life, the new direction it takes, and the new person in my life who I now have a certain level of responsibility for. I openly admit it has been hard, with a lot of soul searching, pain and suppressed emotions. I had often thought the origins of my dominant trait linked back to when I was abused and it was just my mental payback for what happened. Seemed like a logical explanation. But as I grew from teens to adulthood, I still had my dominant fantasies. I suppressed them so they only existed in my head, at night when I lay alone in my bed. And used them to help get me aroused and excited. I felt guilty for doing it, for using faceless men to enact my heartless actions upon.
I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.
One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.
I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.
After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.
The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.
Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.
So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.
I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.
One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.
I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.
After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.
The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.
Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.
So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.
My toy
She has
Her instructions
Her lists to write
To present to me soon
To be prepared
In mind, body and soul
For my inspection
And my pleasure
For that is what she is
Her instructions
Her lists to write
To present to me soon
To be prepared
In mind, body and soul
For my inspection
And my pleasure
For that is what she is
20 July 2009
Reminders
They may only be little things, but there are things that connect us even when we are apart. Things that remind me of when P was here. Like sand in my car, a hair on the car seat, her smell on my pillow. The one main reminder of her is located in my airing cupboard. It's her kneeling cushion. It's fluffy and a light brown colour. A neat square of kneeling perfection. When P departed after our first weekend, she accidentally left the cushion behind. I emailed her to ask if she had left it on purpose and P replied that she had completely forgotten to take it with her. However we were both glad she had. It was something tangible, something real that I could touch, hold and snuggle into whenever I missed her. And I admit I missed her, a lot.
I found that having the cushion out in plain sight made the absence worse. The reminder was too much to bear. So I put the cushion away in the airing cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was for a couple of weeks. Until P & I set our next date, Easter and she would be able to stay with me for over a week. A luxury for both of us. I was missing P in so many different ways. First as my friend. The weekend we spent together had enabled us to spend precious time together. We went out for drives along the coast, long walks on beaches, shopped together, ate and drank together. Laughed, shared stories and watched favourite films together. Bonding on a different level entirely compared to the D/s relationship.
As her Domme, the relationship had only just started. But my heart already ached for her. Inside there was a hole in my soul. I was missing a vital link, a part of me had departed and we were separated by miles and miles and miles. I missed her presence, her submissive soul, her entire being. I was almost bereft and I cried many tears in the first few days after she left. I wasn't prepared for such an emotional response. I knew that I would have to overcome this melancholy otherwise it would impinge on real life.
Once a new date had been set, I looked at the cushion more often. Then I began to take it out and hold it. I could feel P's presence on it and it made my Domme heart sing. So I kept putting it back. Until the day before she returned, then I removed it and placed it on what would be her bed for the duration of her stay. Where it should be, waiting for her to return.
P always leaves the cushion behind now. She discovered that it wasn't quite sufficient for her kneeling needs and is currently seeking a new one. But nothing will ever replace that cushion. She knows it helps me to get through the days and weeks until we meet again. I have struggled with the emotions within me when we are apart and gradually found ways to adapt so that I can carry on with real life and yet look forward to the next meetings rather than look back with sadness at the time lost.
There are so many reminders of her when she isn't here. And they linger for days after she has gone. But the cushion is a permanent reminder and will always be here, waiting for when she returns.
I found that having the cushion out in plain sight made the absence worse. The reminder was too much to bear. So I put the cushion away in the airing cupboard. Out of sight, out of mind. And so it was for a couple of weeks. Until P & I set our next date, Easter and she would be able to stay with me for over a week. A luxury for both of us. I was missing P in so many different ways. First as my friend. The weekend we spent together had enabled us to spend precious time together. We went out for drives along the coast, long walks on beaches, shopped together, ate and drank together. Laughed, shared stories and watched favourite films together. Bonding on a different level entirely compared to the D/s relationship.
As her Domme, the relationship had only just started. But my heart already ached for her. Inside there was a hole in my soul. I was missing a vital link, a part of me had departed and we were separated by miles and miles and miles. I missed her presence, her submissive soul, her entire being. I was almost bereft and I cried many tears in the first few days after she left. I wasn't prepared for such an emotional response. I knew that I would have to overcome this melancholy otherwise it would impinge on real life.
Once a new date had been set, I looked at the cushion more often. Then I began to take it out and hold it. I could feel P's presence on it and it made my Domme heart sing. So I kept putting it back. Until the day before she returned, then I removed it and placed it on what would be her bed for the duration of her stay. Where it should be, waiting for her to return.
P always leaves the cushion behind now. She discovered that it wasn't quite sufficient for her kneeling needs and is currently seeking a new one. But nothing will ever replace that cushion. She knows it helps me to get through the days and weeks until we meet again. I have struggled with the emotions within me when we are apart and gradually found ways to adapt so that I can carry on with real life and yet look forward to the next meetings rather than look back with sadness at the time lost.
There are so many reminders of her when she isn't here. And they linger for days after she has gone. But the cushion is a permanent reminder and will always be here, waiting for when she returns.
19 July 2009
First session Part 2
And now for Part 2, which is my turn...
"How do I put down in words the last 48 hours or so? I don’t think I can begin to describe it as it should be described. I was extremely nervous and emotional on Saturday. Whenever you were bending over in the kitchen or just walking by, I couldn’t help myself from looking at you and your bum. I wondered if you felt my eyes on you? I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to go through with it. More nerves as we got ready. Did I look right? What would I say? How would I say it? Would I be convincing? What if I couldn’t speak? My mouth went dry? All these things and more. I set up the bed and sat there my heart pounding like never before.
When you first knelt in front of me, it was almost surreal. All the weeks of preparation and waiting had come to this. The nerves probably showed in my voice, I was almost lost for words. So I let my actions speak for me. Lots of stroking and petting to comfort you, as I felt you needed that reassurance. My voice was quiet but I hope it was strong enough for you to feel how much I wanted your submission. The touching and stroking was soothing and created a bond between us. When you started to undress, I knew you were scared. The moment when you took your bra off when I instructed you to, I saw a couple of seconds of hesitation. I feared you might not be able to, but you did. And what wonderful breasts they are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The scars were inconsequential, of no importance. Truthfully I didn’t notice them for a long time, not until later. But I only saw them as a part of you, which I why I stood you in front of the mirror, to see what you truly are. To reconnect with your body again. I know that it became too much for you, but it won't be the last time you see yourself like that.
Laying you on the bed, blindfolding and binding your wrists was something special. Finding your buttons, what to push, what aroused you, what tickled you. And playing with your gorgeous breasts. I learned so much about how your body responds to different things. Tying your nipples and playing with them, and whipping them after releasing them showed me how much more sensitive they became. I smiled many times but you couldn’t see that. Your body responding and writhing as it became more aroused to the slightest touch and also to stronger stimuli such as tweaking your nipples. Once I reached your pussy you were so wet. The one thing I remember most was your clit. So small and perfect. And when I started to play with it, you sighed and moaned as it was something you had dreamed off for a long time but never thought it would happen. When I slid a finger inside your pussy, you were so soft and wet and warm.
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t orgasm. It wasn’t something I was reaching for, although I know it’s what you desperately wanted to do. Please don’t get hung up about it, it will happen when the time is right. This first time was all about bonding with each other and exploring you. I spread your legs and knelt between them, leaning over you. So helpless and yet unafraid. Yearning and wanting to be touched, to be dominated and to give yourself to me. It aroused me so much, I can’t begin to explain and I don’t know if you can imagine that. Apart that you were at the opposite end of that spectrum. I know it was very emotional for you and that you cried. You were able to release some of that emotion. I’m sure it won’t be the last tears that you cry, but they aren’t anything to be ashamed of. They are part of your strength and how you are adjusting to embracing your submissiveness.
Finishing the session off by introducing you to some soft spanking was so amazing. Your bum went a rosy pink and you flinched and jumped with each slap or smack. But I rubbed and caressed in between each one, which aroused you even more as your skin became more sensitive as each slap occurred. I used the whip as well softly then harder so it stung across your skin. Such control and then I would play with your pussy before striking your bum again. I could have done that all night, play, fiddle and slap. I used a little fantasy – me as head mistress and you as teacher. You would flounce your body at me and wear short skirts and small panties, because you were aroused by me and didn’t know why. So as I spanked you over my lap, I spoke of doing it to you at school, in my office, bent over a stool, spanking you with a slipper. I had so much control and you were helpless, but so aroused and excited as I slipped my fingers over and around your pussy, paying attention to your lovely little button clit. You shuddered and writhed on my legs. I didn’t want to stop but things started to come to a natural end and I felt you were tiring.
Afterwards, we cuddled and I held you against my breast. I wanted you to feel safe and wanted. I didn’t know if you could put how you felt into words, but it didn’t matter. It’s like the calm after the storm. So soothing to feel you laying there, a feeling of completeness and a moment to bond again. I could have laid there for a long time, but we needed to leave it and allow it to settle within us. I was slightly surreal to leave the room and go back to ‘normal’ again.
Now that hours have passed us by, I hope that you are able to assimilate and understand how you feel, what happened to you and why I did certain things. I’m sure some of them made you embarrassed, uncomfortable and possibly were tinged with humiliation. But I hope that I was able to balance it with plenty of loving caresses, arousal and stimulation for you. Did I tick all your boxes? Did I live up to your expectations? Was I firm enough, dominant enough, loving and giving of myself to you? I don’t know. Only you can tell me that. And although I was able to slip quietly back into normality once you had left, I only had to touch and hold your cushion to feel my heart welling up inside and threaten to overwhelm me. I truly don’t know if I helped you or hurt you. Whether you want to continue on this journey or stop is up to you now. I didn’t think I could do what we did and have surprised myself.
I know now that I have written this all down, that despite the fears, the emotions, the wait, the soul searching, the tears and everything – I want to carry on this journey, with you. If you want to. I just have to wait for your response and hope you feel the same way to."
"How do I put down in words the last 48 hours or so? I don’t think I can begin to describe it as it should be described. I was extremely nervous and emotional on Saturday. Whenever you were bending over in the kitchen or just walking by, I couldn’t help myself from looking at you and your bum. I wondered if you felt my eyes on you? I didn’t know if I would be strong enough to go through with it. More nerves as we got ready. Did I look right? What would I say? How would I say it? Would I be convincing? What if I couldn’t speak? My mouth went dry? All these things and more. I set up the bed and sat there my heart pounding like never before.
When you first knelt in front of me, it was almost surreal. All the weeks of preparation and waiting had come to this. The nerves probably showed in my voice, I was almost lost for words. So I let my actions speak for me. Lots of stroking and petting to comfort you, as I felt you needed that reassurance. My voice was quiet but I hope it was strong enough for you to feel how much I wanted your submission. The touching and stroking was soothing and created a bond between us. When you started to undress, I knew you were scared. The moment when you took your bra off when I instructed you to, I saw a couple of seconds of hesitation. I feared you might not be able to, but you did. And what wonderful breasts they are. There is nothing to be ashamed of. The scars were inconsequential, of no importance. Truthfully I didn’t notice them for a long time, not until later. But I only saw them as a part of you, which I why I stood you in front of the mirror, to see what you truly are. To reconnect with your body again. I know that it became too much for you, but it won't be the last time you see yourself like that.
Laying you on the bed, blindfolding and binding your wrists was something special. Finding your buttons, what to push, what aroused you, what tickled you. And playing with your gorgeous breasts. I learned so much about how your body responds to different things. Tying your nipples and playing with them, and whipping them after releasing them showed me how much more sensitive they became. I smiled many times but you couldn’t see that. Your body responding and writhing as it became more aroused to the slightest touch and also to stronger stimuli such as tweaking your nipples. Once I reached your pussy you were so wet. The one thing I remember most was your clit. So small and perfect. And when I started to play with it, you sighed and moaned as it was something you had dreamed off for a long time but never thought it would happen. When I slid a finger inside your pussy, you were so soft and wet and warm.
It doesn’t matter that you didn’t orgasm. It wasn’t something I was reaching for, although I know it’s what you desperately wanted to do. Please don’t get hung up about it, it will happen when the time is right. This first time was all about bonding with each other and exploring you. I spread your legs and knelt between them, leaning over you. So helpless and yet unafraid. Yearning and wanting to be touched, to be dominated and to give yourself to me. It aroused me so much, I can’t begin to explain and I don’t know if you can imagine that. Apart that you were at the opposite end of that spectrum. I know it was very emotional for you and that you cried. You were able to release some of that emotion. I’m sure it won’t be the last tears that you cry, but they aren’t anything to be ashamed of. They are part of your strength and how you are adjusting to embracing your submissiveness.
Finishing the session off by introducing you to some soft spanking was so amazing. Your bum went a rosy pink and you flinched and jumped with each slap or smack. But I rubbed and caressed in between each one, which aroused you even more as your skin became more sensitive as each slap occurred. I used the whip as well softly then harder so it stung across your skin. Such control and then I would play with your pussy before striking your bum again. I could have done that all night, play, fiddle and slap. I used a little fantasy – me as head mistress and you as teacher. You would flounce your body at me and wear short skirts and small panties, because you were aroused by me and didn’t know why. So as I spanked you over my lap, I spoke of doing it to you at school, in my office, bent over a stool, spanking you with a slipper. I had so much control and you were helpless, but so aroused and excited as I slipped my fingers over and around your pussy, paying attention to your lovely little button clit. You shuddered and writhed on my legs. I didn’t want to stop but things started to come to a natural end and I felt you were tiring.
Afterwards, we cuddled and I held you against my breast. I wanted you to feel safe and wanted. I didn’t know if you could put how you felt into words, but it didn’t matter. It’s like the calm after the storm. So soothing to feel you laying there, a feeling of completeness and a moment to bond again. I could have laid there for a long time, but we needed to leave it and allow it to settle within us. I was slightly surreal to leave the room and go back to ‘normal’ again.
Now that hours have passed us by, I hope that you are able to assimilate and understand how you feel, what happened to you and why I did certain things. I’m sure some of them made you embarrassed, uncomfortable and possibly were tinged with humiliation. But I hope that I was able to balance it with plenty of loving caresses, arousal and stimulation for you. Did I tick all your boxes? Did I live up to your expectations? Was I firm enough, dominant enough, loving and giving of myself to you? I don’t know. Only you can tell me that. And although I was able to slip quietly back into normality once you had left, I only had to touch and hold your cushion to feel my heart welling up inside and threaten to overwhelm me. I truly don’t know if I helped you or hurt you. Whether you want to continue on this journey or stop is up to you now. I didn’t think I could do what we did and have surprised myself.
I know now that I have written this all down, that despite the fears, the emotions, the wait, the soul searching, the tears and everything – I want to carry on this journey, with you. If you want to. I just have to wait for your response and hope you feel the same way to."
First session Part 1
Our first session in March was an emotional one for both of us. The best words have already been written about this experience by both of us in an exchange of diaries. And those words are used here....first are extracts from P's diary:
"I took a deep breath and knocked, knowing when I stepped through that door, everything would change. I wasn’t sure if you heard me at first. My heart was racing as I put my bag down on the stool and I hardly dared look at you. The glimpses of you I caught, showed me my beautiful Lady. I also spotted several things on the bed behind you... You looked so calm and ready, sitting there, your legs crossed and just a glimpse of lace tops on your hold-ups. Kneeling and kissing your hand was a relief, a relief that I was finally there and this was real and actually happening. Giving the control over to you was so right for me. I know I was shaking but it was anticipation as much as nerves. You were so calming and reassuring, the way you gave instructions, touching and stroking me. I loved the way you focused on looking at me and what I was wearing, inspecting me. Then removing my clothing on demand, your tone was perfect, almost hypnotic. I knew the moment would come so soon when I’d be taking off my underwear too. Your appreciation of me in the underwear was very arousing, and all the time you were stroking me, reassuring me. I know you wanted me to talk to you more, but other than answering your questions I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. I think it may have been the mental and sensation overload. Taking off my panties was so much easier than my bra. I did hesitate with my bra but knew that if I didn’t then I would never be able to move forward. Your appreciation of my breasts made it easier for me too. Standing in front of the mirror in the full lights was very difficult for me and humiliating in many ways. There was nowhere to hide from myself and my imperfections. Seeing your hands touching me, holding my breasts was erotic and made it easier. I know you want me to do it everyday and I will and one day I will see what you see. Thank you for not leaving the light on for too long though.
You binding my wrists was a very liberating experience, but not as much as being blind-folded. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open at times, it was just too much. I could only guess what you might do next. I heard you taking your rings off and remembered the comment you made about planning to do that, and my mind started racing. The delicate stroking was sensitising my whole body, waking me up after so long. Then the next thing you used was a stronger sensation. I know you were trying to tickle me but it didn’t seem to be working, until you used your nails on my feet! I couldn’t escape you. I was starting to tingle all over. Your focus on my breasts and nipples was electrifying, teasing and tweaking and pinching them. Then you started with the whip and the sensations became even more intense than I thought possible. I wasn’t something I ever thought I’d enjoy but I did. Then there was whatever you put on my nipples, it was just on the edge of painful for my right nipple when you removed it, I couldn’t have taken much more of it. I started to cry with relief but couldn’t fully tell you why at the time. When I decided to have the operation, I was warned there was a risk that I would lose significant sensation in my nipples, and possibly even lose them all together if the blood supply was interrupted. As my breasts got larger, I gradually lost sensation as the nerves were stretch over a larger area. I knew that I know had some sensation back but when you are touching yourself, it’s just not the same as if someone else does it. I never dreamt that post-op I’d ever feel as much as I did on Saturday night, never mind that I’d be in the position that someone would want to touch them and not be put off by my scars. I can never thank you enough for that.
You telling me how wet I was, how you could smell me was incredibly erotic, even before you touched me, then you started to stroke me and I can’t describe just how amazing that was. Calling me your hussy, telling me I was all yours to do with as you wanted and doing it. Pushing your fingers deep into me, searching high inside me, stroking and playing with my clit, being able to see every inch of me and there was nothing I could do about it, was heaven. Kneeling between my legs and pushing them further apart, then pressing yourself against me, being able to feel your breasts against me, I was so sensitive I could feel the slightest movement. I know you said it doesn’t matter than I didn’t cum and I tried not to let it concern me. There were so many sensations to enjoy.
Then you had me lie over your lap, I knew that you would relish this moment and had been particularly looking forward to it. This was again something I had no idea how I would react to, but after the earlier experiences I had began to suspect I would enjoy it. My bum was soon tingling and sensitised, and when the slaps were combined with stroking my clit again, it changed the sensations, heightening everything. Again knowing you could see everything and there was no hiding from you was very humiliating but very erotic, and I suspect had you plotting for the future too. I was hoping my skin was changing colour for you, it felt like it could be and I knew that would please you. I was trying not to make any noise but couldn’t help moving with them, I’m delighted you enjoyed that. The naughty little fantasy about the Head Mistress will certainly give me something to think about! I was starting to get tired but had no idea how long we had been in session for, you were able to read this and wound things up.
Being held and cared for was so special and made me feel so safe and cherished. I wish I had been able to talk to you more then. I know you will never do anything to harm me or push me too far, not that I ever did. I have been able to give you complete control and know it’s the right decision and something I dearly want. I felt so free, especially when restrained and blind-folded, completely dependent on you, and more open to experimentation or new experiences than I was expecting."
"I took a deep breath and knocked, knowing when I stepped through that door, everything would change. I wasn’t sure if you heard me at first. My heart was racing as I put my bag down on the stool and I hardly dared look at you. The glimpses of you I caught, showed me my beautiful Lady. I also spotted several things on the bed behind you... You looked so calm and ready, sitting there, your legs crossed and just a glimpse of lace tops on your hold-ups. Kneeling and kissing your hand was a relief, a relief that I was finally there and this was real and actually happening. Giving the control over to you was so right for me. I know I was shaking but it was anticipation as much as nerves. You were so calming and reassuring, the way you gave instructions, touching and stroking me. I loved the way you focused on looking at me and what I was wearing, inspecting me. Then removing my clothing on demand, your tone was perfect, almost hypnotic. I knew the moment would come so soon when I’d be taking off my underwear too. Your appreciation of me in the underwear was very arousing, and all the time you were stroking me, reassuring me. I know you wanted me to talk to you more, but other than answering your questions I just couldn’t and I don’t know why. I think it may have been the mental and sensation overload. Taking off my panties was so much easier than my bra. I did hesitate with my bra but knew that if I didn’t then I would never be able to move forward. Your appreciation of my breasts made it easier for me too. Standing in front of the mirror in the full lights was very difficult for me and humiliating in many ways. There was nowhere to hide from myself and my imperfections. Seeing your hands touching me, holding my breasts was erotic and made it easier. I know you want me to do it everyday and I will and one day I will see what you see. Thank you for not leaving the light on for too long though.
You binding my wrists was a very liberating experience, but not as much as being blind-folded. I was having trouble keeping my eyes open at times, it was just too much. I could only guess what you might do next. I heard you taking your rings off and remembered the comment you made about planning to do that, and my mind started racing. The delicate stroking was sensitising my whole body, waking me up after so long. Then the next thing you used was a stronger sensation. I know you were trying to tickle me but it didn’t seem to be working, until you used your nails on my feet! I couldn’t escape you. I was starting to tingle all over. Your focus on my breasts and nipples was electrifying, teasing and tweaking and pinching them. Then you started with the whip and the sensations became even more intense than I thought possible. I wasn’t something I ever thought I’d enjoy but I did. Then there was whatever you put on my nipples, it was just on the edge of painful for my right nipple when you removed it, I couldn’t have taken much more of it. I started to cry with relief but couldn’t fully tell you why at the time. When I decided to have the operation, I was warned there was a risk that I would lose significant sensation in my nipples, and possibly even lose them all together if the blood supply was interrupted. As my breasts got larger, I gradually lost sensation as the nerves were stretch over a larger area. I knew that I know had some sensation back but when you are touching yourself, it’s just not the same as if someone else does it. I never dreamt that post-op I’d ever feel as much as I did on Saturday night, never mind that I’d be in the position that someone would want to touch them and not be put off by my scars. I can never thank you enough for that.
You telling me how wet I was, how you could smell me was incredibly erotic, even before you touched me, then you started to stroke me and I can’t describe just how amazing that was. Calling me your hussy, telling me I was all yours to do with as you wanted and doing it. Pushing your fingers deep into me, searching high inside me, stroking and playing with my clit, being able to see every inch of me and there was nothing I could do about it, was heaven. Kneeling between my legs and pushing them further apart, then pressing yourself against me, being able to feel your breasts against me, I was so sensitive I could feel the slightest movement. I know you said it doesn’t matter than I didn’t cum and I tried not to let it concern me. There were so many sensations to enjoy.
Then you had me lie over your lap, I knew that you would relish this moment and had been particularly looking forward to it. This was again something I had no idea how I would react to, but after the earlier experiences I had began to suspect I would enjoy it. My bum was soon tingling and sensitised, and when the slaps were combined with stroking my clit again, it changed the sensations, heightening everything. Again knowing you could see everything and there was no hiding from you was very humiliating but very erotic, and I suspect had you plotting for the future too. I was hoping my skin was changing colour for you, it felt like it could be and I knew that would please you. I was trying not to make any noise but couldn’t help moving with them, I’m delighted you enjoyed that. The naughty little fantasy about the Head Mistress will certainly give me something to think about! I was starting to get tired but had no idea how long we had been in session for, you were able to read this and wound things up.
Being held and cared for was so special and made me feel so safe and cherished. I wish I had been able to talk to you more then. I know you will never do anything to harm me or push me too far, not that I ever did. I have been able to give you complete control and know it’s the right decision and something I dearly want. I felt so free, especially when restrained and blind-folded, completely dependent on you, and more open to experimentation or new experiences than I was expecting."
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