I thought it would help to balance things a little if I posted some excerpts of P's diaries to me from our wonderful times back in May. Her diaries are always beautiful insights into what goes on in her pretty head...
"26.05.09:
I suspected that you were going to shave me in this session and it was going to be a very intimate and trusting thing to happen. While I’ve been able to trim myself, a complete shave wasn’t something I was going to be able to do alone. I can’t exactly explain why either. Having you do it though and lying so still while you focused on what you were doing was a very special moment, that I think brought us closer together. I trusted you completely to do it, possibly more than you did yourself, and being able to see you and the expression on your face made it more so. Part of it was you claiming further ownership on me, just like when you had me name the parts of my body that you own. In a small way it was also like a branding of my pussy to have you decide exactly how it was going to look. Seeing the final result in the mirror and knowing you did that was very very arousing, as was knowing you looked the same.
When you lay me down again and told me to close my eyes and trust you, I knew exactly what you were planning. I was trying so hard to relax and knew that would make it easier, thanks to my reading. It felt delightful as you smoothed the lube around, stroking me so carefully and I was more than ready for more. When you finally entered me, I can’t describe exactly how it felt, only that it seemed like I had been waiting an eternity and it was here at last. Another part of being owned by you, something that only you have done and it means so much to be that I could give that to you. When your whole finger was in and you wanted me to see it I was in heaven. The feelings were so different to anything else I’ve known. I know that I’m very tight and that it may take a while to progress but we now have a plan. We both want this very much and I’m going to try to so all that you ask of me to move it along. I didn’t want to do much beforehand as it didn’t seem right, that was your right to be first and I wanted the feelings to be made by you.
The whole session was a very intimate and special experience, very different from before, but I feel more like I belong to you than ever now and can never truly explain how important that is to me. It was arousing and erotic too but that was not the emphasis for me, ownership and bonding was."
"31.05.09:
I knew that you were going to finish shaving me. Kneeling on all fours and feeling you touching me again, knowing you were looking at my anus, felt even more intimate than Monday. I know exactly what the books mean about it all now, it is so much more intimate than before. It was more arousing in some ways as the head of the razor would brush my anus from time to time. I trusted you completely to do it.
I love watching you put on the pink glove and lubing it up, knowing exactly where it will be going next. I know I’ll relax faster and more easily with practice but it felt easier this time compared to Monday. Feeling your finger inside me again was so good so arousing, sliding gently in and out, no pain no discomfort. When you added the second one, even better, I felt very full but not in a bad way, just another new sensation. Moving in and out, sliding through my tight muscles, so arousing. Out even more than in, which was a surprise but I can understand why the beads might be very interesting now.
I can only thank you for starting my anal experiences so wonderfully. I know we have a plan in place so that we can move forward in our next session, and I will be more stretched and be able to go for longer than 15 minutes. I know you are concerned about losing the momentum between our sessions and it will take me a little time to get used to doing it. I’m going to have to start in the shower until I have gloves and lube myself, and it will take me a little time to do it for myself as well, the nerves will hit again no doubt, until I remember how good you made me feel...Even now I can say, no ill effects, no discomfort, nothing adverse at all. Other than missing you terribly and wanting to jump straight back in the car again."
11 September 2009
09 September 2009
New Explorations Part 2
I used the shaving of P to be the starting to point to anal play. P would have suspected I was leading up to this with our conversations prior to our meetings in May, and also the books that P had bought. But now the moment had come for me to take the final step and claim her anal virginity. She was on her back on the bed with her legs bent up. I put on my pink latex glove and smoothed our favourite lube over a finger. I rubbed the lube around her anus and caressed her gently, reassuring her. Then I entered her with one finger slowly. P wasn't bound or gagged. I wanted her first time to be an enjoyable experience with freedom to express herself. P's moans and groans told me all I needed to know. But this was my moment as much as hers. Her one virginity I could take, completely and utterly mine. No one elses. Mine to take. I felt her tightness, her heat, her pulsing rectum around my finger. And it felt sweet.
Once I had my finger fully inserted up to the knuckle, I held it there for a while so P could get used to it. I stroked inside her, teasing her sensitive lining. Causing her a new range of feelings and sensations. Allowing her a tantalising glimpse of the beauty of anal play. Then I began to thrust it gently and evenly. In and out. Keeping up an even pace. Nothing to frighten, nothing to hurt, only to arouse and gauge P's reactions. Everything that she had read, everything that she had devoured about anal play could not have prepared her for how it really felt. Add to that the fact it was her Lady doing it, only sealed my domination over her. I totally owned her now, mind body and soul.
Obviously P was tight so I didn't overdo the anal play. A few minutes was all I needed to claim P in every sense. I had explored every part of her in our few sessions since March. But this was only the beginning. Later that night we read some of her books together. Those books helped us to talk to each other about anal play. I was able to instruct her on what kind of training I wanted her to do in our long absence when she finally left me. It would be 8 weeks until we would meet again at the end of July. 8 long weeks when the momentum could be lost. One of the books had a very informative passage about anal and BDSM. But those weeks would also give P time to explore herself and become accustomed to anal play. Of course it wasn't the same thing as being there and doing it myself. But I was conscious that our long absences could damage the progress we had made. Her training would be for pussy and anus, ensuring I kept mental control of both. Ensuring that P was fully prepared for our next meeting, and others afterwards. Even if we were miles apart, I would send her emails that she had to comply with, and her weekly diaries would inform me of her progress. Online chats became e-sessions where I could control and instruct her as well as share mutual fantasises. And the one thing that bound us both was trust. I trusted her to do as I told her, and when we were online together, she followed all my instructions.
I'm sure for many experiences D's, this is all child's play. But for us, it was the start of a new and exciting path together.
Once I had my finger fully inserted up to the knuckle, I held it there for a while so P could get used to it. I stroked inside her, teasing her sensitive lining. Causing her a new range of feelings and sensations. Allowing her a tantalising glimpse of the beauty of anal play. Then I began to thrust it gently and evenly. In and out. Keeping up an even pace. Nothing to frighten, nothing to hurt, only to arouse and gauge P's reactions. Everything that she had read, everything that she had devoured about anal play could not have prepared her for how it really felt. Add to that the fact it was her Lady doing it, only sealed my domination over her. I totally owned her now, mind body and soul.
Obviously P was tight so I didn't overdo the anal play. A few minutes was all I needed to claim P in every sense. I had explored every part of her in our few sessions since March. But this was only the beginning. Later that night we read some of her books together. Those books helped us to talk to each other about anal play. I was able to instruct her on what kind of training I wanted her to do in our long absence when she finally left me. It would be 8 weeks until we would meet again at the end of July. 8 long weeks when the momentum could be lost. One of the books had a very informative passage about anal and BDSM. But those weeks would also give P time to explore herself and become accustomed to anal play. Of course it wasn't the same thing as being there and doing it myself. But I was conscious that our long absences could damage the progress we had made. Her training would be for pussy and anus, ensuring I kept mental control of both. Ensuring that P was fully prepared for our next meeting, and others afterwards. Even if we were miles apart, I would send her emails that she had to comply with, and her weekly diaries would inform me of her progress. Online chats became e-sessions where I could control and instruct her as well as share mutual fantasises. And the one thing that bound us both was trust. I trusted her to do as I told her, and when we were online together, she followed all my instructions.
I'm sure for many experiences D's, this is all child's play. But for us, it was the start of a new and exciting path together.
08 September 2009
New Explorations Part 1
Our sessions in May were the start of something new. When I had first discussed with P what her hard and soft boundaries were, anal play had been somewhere between the two. It wasn't something she was interested in. Now as her Domme, I could still have inflicted it upon her as punishment. However, if P had such strong, negative feelings about it, I believed that there would be little gained from trying to force the issue. As it was P didn't have specifically strong or negative issues. If anything, P was indifferent to it. She hadn't thought about it for her own (or anyone elses) pleasure. She had explored it briefly with an ex b/f but the experience hadn't been enjoyable. As it was, it was P herself who came round to the idea.
Since we had started on our journey together, I had encouraged P to read, read and read up on BDSM and all its connotations. Not just facts like how to do something, what to do if or what should I do but to read up on personal experiences. The more P read, the more her boundaries began to change. She wanted to serve, to please, to submit completely. She wanted to experience the conflict of pleasure from pain, punishment, compliance, humility, servitude, joy and complete abandonment. And it was this path, that led P to opening her mind to anal play. She showed me a particular fiction story about anal play which struck a chord with her. A chord that resonated and sang to her.
I encouraged this chord to sing louder. I suggested to P that she should buy some books on certain things and one of them was anal play. Once P read the book, her interest in anal play went up several levels. We started to talk about it more openly and P expressed her wish that she wanted to explore anal play. She had read how anal play was seen as the ultimate submission by many subs and wanted me to be the one to take her anal 'virginity'. This excited me so much. To be given the opportunity to do this, and also for P to be so willing, wanting and accepting.
When P visited in May, I had plans for this to be the first time I would make this a part of our sessions. Shaving her pussy, branding her to my liking, making her mine was all part of the increased intimacy between us. Enhancing the bonding process. And it would be a natural progression to introducing anal play. I knew that P was excited about it happening, she just didn't know when. And I like to keep things unexpected, retain the element of surprise. To make each session memorable in some way. I was just as excited. For P to give me this ultimate act of submission was thrilling but I also had a sense of pride in being the one to introduce her to anal play. And that she trusted me to be the one to do it. P trusted me not just because she did, she also knew I had previous experience with anal play. That experience was part of her trust in me. Even so, it was another responsibility for me as her Domme.
Was I scared? Yes. Did it stop me? No.
Since we had started on our journey together, I had encouraged P to read, read and read up on BDSM and all its connotations. Not just facts like how to do something, what to do if or what should I do but to read up on personal experiences. The more P read, the more her boundaries began to change. She wanted to serve, to please, to submit completely. She wanted to experience the conflict of pleasure from pain, punishment, compliance, humility, servitude, joy and complete abandonment. And it was this path, that led P to opening her mind to anal play. She showed me a particular fiction story about anal play which struck a chord with her. A chord that resonated and sang to her.
I encouraged this chord to sing louder. I suggested to P that she should buy some books on certain things and one of them was anal play. Once P read the book, her interest in anal play went up several levels. We started to talk about it more openly and P expressed her wish that she wanted to explore anal play. She had read how anal play was seen as the ultimate submission by many subs and wanted me to be the one to take her anal 'virginity'. This excited me so much. To be given the opportunity to do this, and also for P to be so willing, wanting and accepting.
When P visited in May, I had plans for this to be the first time I would make this a part of our sessions. Shaving her pussy, branding her to my liking, making her mine was all part of the increased intimacy between us. Enhancing the bonding process. And it would be a natural progression to introducing anal play. I knew that P was excited about it happening, she just didn't know when. And I like to keep things unexpected, retain the element of surprise. To make each session memorable in some way. I was just as excited. For P to give me this ultimate act of submission was thrilling but I also had a sense of pride in being the one to introduce her to anal play. And that she trusted me to be the one to do it. P trusted me not just because she did, she also knew I had previous experience with anal play. That experience was part of her trust in me. Even so, it was another responsibility for me as her Domme.
Was I scared? Yes. Did it stop me? No.
07 September 2009
Moving Forward
Now that my mind and soul were settled, I no longer suffered anxieties in the run up to P's next visit at the end of May. P stayed with me for a few days, so I was able to plan more than one session and maintain momentum. I had discussed with P my wish that her pussy be shaved nude. I also wanted to be the one to do it. As part of our continuity. P had trimmed herself neatly but struggled to go further. Mentally it was an issue as she had never done it before. So I decided that I would do it first. It enabled me to learn how I would perform the same act upon her. I now ensure that I am nude and shaved. I love it and embrace it. Knowing that in this small way we were one and the same.
The interim period we were apart I had instructed P to gather together a specific 'costume' as part of a shared fantasy. P had been buying the items to construct her own school uniform. I would be her 'headmistress' who 'trained' pupils to be hussies. It's something that works for us, especially for P as it is the ultimate exchange of power and responsibility and marries quite well with her day job. By the time she arrived in May, P had most of the outfit, though the completed costume would materialise later in the summer. But school skirt and white blouse with her long hair in pigtails was more than enough to start with! P also brought some new toys that I had asked her to purchase.
I had started to stand with my back to her when P first entered the room. It gave me a sense of strength from the beginning, with P kneeling behind me. I could see her reflection in the mirror and know what effect I was having upon her. The power I felt rippling through me was immense. The adrenalin all consuming. I made her kiss my shoes, show me her devotion. So arousing. I instructed P to tell me what I owned, what parts of her body. P hesitated at first as she was unused to speaking this out loud. I made her name each part from her head to her toes and all points in between. Again, I felt an overwhelming sense of power envelope me. When it does, the arousal levels increase and I can feel myself get so wet. Afterwards, I made P strip off her skirt and blouse. Then I ordered her to show me the new toys from the toy box. This she did happily. May be to her disappointment, I ordered her to put them away again. Then I made P remove the rest of her lingerie until she was naked. I made her stand in front of the mirror as part of accepting her body which she had become mentally detached from. Although she still felt uncomfortable being forced to see herself, each time she does so is a little longer.
Then I commenced with the intimate act of shaving her pussy. P suspected that I would do this and of course seeing the paraphernalia laid out with a bowl of water confirmed those suspicions. I was nervous. I didn't want to hurt her, cut her. I asked if she trusted me, P said she did with all her heart. As P was trimmed, the task was made easier. However, I didn't want to rush it either. I wanted to ensure it was to my requirements. But I wanted it to be part of the whole bonding experience. To mentally and physically bond P to me as my sub. That P would never allow anyone else to do this and apart from herself, no one else would touch her pussy again.
The slow strokes of the razor, the foam that caressed her skin, the warmth of the water - it all added to the atmosphere between us. I don't remember how long it took for me to shave her, it doesn't matter. When it was done, I bade P to stand so she could see herself in the mirror. The look on her face was priceless. Her eyes shone and a small smile flickered across her face. When she turned to look at me, I saw only devotion and submissiveness in P's eyes. And pride. In a way I had marked her. I instructed P that she was to maintain this from now on. And as we were also moving forward into the realms of anal play, I would also want her to be shaved there too. (I shall blog more on this; our discussions and how P switched from seeing anal as a 'red' zone, to one she desired.)
The rest of the session was my continued claiming of her body in the way I desired, using and bending her to my will. Teaching P that she is there for my pleasure, anything she gains from it is incidental. Any orgasm is at my discretion. Training, claiming and ownership. Now she knew how I wanted her most intimate parts of her body to look, P knew how much control I was exerting upon her. Not just physically but mentally. And her diaries reflected just how much I was inside her head. It made me smile with triumph. We were indeed moving forward.
The interim period we were apart I had instructed P to gather together a specific 'costume' as part of a shared fantasy. P had been buying the items to construct her own school uniform. I would be her 'headmistress' who 'trained' pupils to be hussies. It's something that works for us, especially for P as it is the ultimate exchange of power and responsibility and marries quite well with her day job. By the time she arrived in May, P had most of the outfit, though the completed costume would materialise later in the summer. But school skirt and white blouse with her long hair in pigtails was more than enough to start with! P also brought some new toys that I had asked her to purchase.
I had started to stand with my back to her when P first entered the room. It gave me a sense of strength from the beginning, with P kneeling behind me. I could see her reflection in the mirror and know what effect I was having upon her. The power I felt rippling through me was immense. The adrenalin all consuming. I made her kiss my shoes, show me her devotion. So arousing. I instructed P to tell me what I owned, what parts of her body. P hesitated at first as she was unused to speaking this out loud. I made her name each part from her head to her toes and all points in between. Again, I felt an overwhelming sense of power envelope me. When it does, the arousal levels increase and I can feel myself get so wet. Afterwards, I made P strip off her skirt and blouse. Then I ordered her to show me the new toys from the toy box. This she did happily. May be to her disappointment, I ordered her to put them away again. Then I made P remove the rest of her lingerie until she was naked. I made her stand in front of the mirror as part of accepting her body which she had become mentally detached from. Although she still felt uncomfortable being forced to see herself, each time she does so is a little longer.
Then I commenced with the intimate act of shaving her pussy. P suspected that I would do this and of course seeing the paraphernalia laid out with a bowl of water confirmed those suspicions. I was nervous. I didn't want to hurt her, cut her. I asked if she trusted me, P said she did with all her heart. As P was trimmed, the task was made easier. However, I didn't want to rush it either. I wanted to ensure it was to my requirements. But I wanted it to be part of the whole bonding experience. To mentally and physically bond P to me as my sub. That P would never allow anyone else to do this and apart from herself, no one else would touch her pussy again.
The slow strokes of the razor, the foam that caressed her skin, the warmth of the water - it all added to the atmosphere between us. I don't remember how long it took for me to shave her, it doesn't matter. When it was done, I bade P to stand so she could see herself in the mirror. The look on her face was priceless. Her eyes shone and a small smile flickered across her face. When she turned to look at me, I saw only devotion and submissiveness in P's eyes. And pride. In a way I had marked her. I instructed P that she was to maintain this from now on. And as we were also moving forward into the realms of anal play, I would also want her to be shaved there too. (I shall blog more on this; our discussions and how P switched from seeing anal as a 'red' zone, to one she desired.)
The rest of the session was my continued claiming of her body in the way I desired, using and bending her to my will. Teaching P that she is there for my pleasure, anything she gains from it is incidental. Any orgasm is at my discretion. Training, claiming and ownership. Now she knew how I wanted her most intimate parts of her body to look, P knew how much control I was exerting upon her. Not just physically but mentally. And her diaries reflected just how much I was inside her head. It made me smile with triumph. We were indeed moving forward.
18 August 2009
Meltdown
After the highs of session, come the incredible lows. I had read all about Domme drop but experiencing it is something else. Whenever P left me, I was overcome with emotion. The first parting was akin to having an arm ripped from me. The crash would take a couple of days to work through before I would emerge from the other side. I relied on Jay a lot in those dark days when I wrestled with my conscience. Then when P left after staying with me for Easter, I hit rock bottom. It took a few days for me to slide down to it, but when I got there, I went into meltdown. And I wrote to P...
"I’ve been thinking this last week about what we’ve started and where we’re going. I know that I always think too much and analysis but I can’t seem to shake off certain feelings. Sometimes I feel so incredibly guilty over what I do to you and can’t seem to reconcile myself with it. This side of me is sometimes too strong to handle, and very overwhelming. I was hoping it would settle down once we’d had a couple of sessions but it hasn’t. How I felt last Sunday scared me, I was an emotional wreck and I lost it big time. I am having great difficulty reconciling myself to being dominant and I don’t feel comfortable or confident in the role. I know that as we e-chat, talking to each other face to face is problematic, but I really can’t seem to find any words to say. My mouth goes dry; I shake and feel ashamed of everything. Unless I can accept and understand this part of me and find peace and happiness there, I will just continue to beat myself up over this and make myself even more upset than I already am. I know this will upset you as you are so very sure and certain of your true self. And I am so so sorry for that. But I am not so sure or certain. You can reply without hesitation that you know it was the right thing for you and it makes you so happy. I can’t say that. I always hesitate and have doubts, fears and anxieties. If I feel like this now, then I don’t think I will ever change.
I really don’t know who I am anymore or what I am. I think I need to take a step back and think things through. I need to know if this is the right decision for me or not. I don’t know how long this will take or what the outcome will be. I know this will upset you and I truly don’t know what else to say other than I am so so sorry and feel so ashamed and guilty at having shown you a glimpse of happiness, only to take it away from you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me and I don’t seek it from you. You may not even understand why. All I do ask is that you don’t hate me."
I sent the email and didn't expect to hear from P again. However, as she often tells me, it only proved to me how stubborn she is, as well as how much of a friend she is too. Her reply was short and succinct until we were able to chat later:
"I knew something was wrong...You know I'd never knowingly hurt you and the fact that you have been hurt upsets me more than any decisions you might make. We don't have to talk every night and if you need space then that is not a problem. Yes I enjoy our chats but your happiness is more important. You are very special to me, even more so than She is, and having your friendship in my life makes me happier than anything. I want you to be happy, relaxed and comfortable around me otherwise you won't want to spend time with me, and I'll do anything I can to help with that. If it means giving up my Lady, then I will do that too, you are a very special person. Perhaps a line was crossed last week but I'm not going to regret it. Life is just too short for regrets, you told me that."
So there I was at rock bottom. I could either throw it all away or drag myself up by my boots and accept myself. And that's when I began my slow turnaround. It took me the remaining few weeks until P returned to me to go through the process of acceptance and be fully prepared for our next sessions. After all the turmoil, I can honestly say the journey has been hard, but worth it. For now I am reconciled to my inner self, fully embracing of it and all it entails. And I know that P is even more happy that I am finally happy too.
"I’ve been thinking this last week about what we’ve started and where we’re going. I know that I always think too much and analysis but I can’t seem to shake off certain feelings. Sometimes I feel so incredibly guilty over what I do to you and can’t seem to reconcile myself with it. This side of me is sometimes too strong to handle, and very overwhelming. I was hoping it would settle down once we’d had a couple of sessions but it hasn’t. How I felt last Sunday scared me, I was an emotional wreck and I lost it big time. I am having great difficulty reconciling myself to being dominant and I don’t feel comfortable or confident in the role. I know that as we e-chat, talking to each other face to face is problematic, but I really can’t seem to find any words to say. My mouth goes dry; I shake and feel ashamed of everything. Unless I can accept and understand this part of me and find peace and happiness there, I will just continue to beat myself up over this and make myself even more upset than I already am. I know this will upset you as you are so very sure and certain of your true self. And I am so so sorry for that. But I am not so sure or certain. You can reply without hesitation that you know it was the right thing for you and it makes you so happy. I can’t say that. I always hesitate and have doubts, fears and anxieties. If I feel like this now, then I don’t think I will ever change.
I really don’t know who I am anymore or what I am. I think I need to take a step back and think things through. I need to know if this is the right decision for me or not. I don’t know how long this will take or what the outcome will be. I know this will upset you and I truly don’t know what else to say other than I am so so sorry and feel so ashamed and guilty at having shown you a glimpse of happiness, only to take it away from you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me and I don’t seek it from you. You may not even understand why. All I do ask is that you don’t hate me."
I sent the email and didn't expect to hear from P again. However, as she often tells me, it only proved to me how stubborn she is, as well as how much of a friend she is too. Her reply was short and succinct until we were able to chat later:
"I knew something was wrong...You know I'd never knowingly hurt you and the fact that you have been hurt upsets me more than any decisions you might make. We don't have to talk every night and if you need space then that is not a problem. Yes I enjoy our chats but your happiness is more important. You are very special to me, even more so than She is, and having your friendship in my life makes me happier than anything. I want you to be happy, relaxed and comfortable around me otherwise you won't want to spend time with me, and I'll do anything I can to help with that. If it means giving up my Lady, then I will do that too, you are a very special person. Perhaps a line was crossed last week but I'm not going to regret it. Life is just too short for regrets, you told me that."
So there I was at rock bottom. I could either throw it all away or drag myself up by my boots and accept myself. And that's when I began my slow turnaround. It took me the remaining few weeks until P returned to me to go through the process of acceptance and be fully prepared for our next sessions. After all the turmoil, I can honestly say the journey has been hard, but worth it. For now I am reconciled to my inner self, fully embracing of it and all it entails. And I know that P is even more happy that I am finally happy too.
My own Easter thoughts
As I always want both sides of the story to be told, here are some of my own thoughts on Easter which I sent to P. I was still going through emotional turmoil at this time and some of my diaries to P reflected those insecurities:
"So lovely to have you back with us again. 4 weeks. Sometimes it’s almost surreal, the journey, the friendship, everything. I have also been very emotional this weekend... All these weeks of anticipation, fretting, nerves. All I know is that when we are together... I feel complete inside. I hope She is still what you hoped for, what you want in a D. I find little aspects of her creeping through in quiet moments between us. But I don’t want Her to become me. It’s always surreal when we leave the room and go back into the living room that everything switches back to normal. Shopping in Sin Sins was very fulfilling. I think you can see why I love the shop so much. I hope it gave you a few ideas! But I also hope it didn’t scare you too much, but to be honest, some of the stuff there isn’t to my liking either. It’s all about personal taste and preferences. Sunday – I have too many emotions still inside me. I fear that I may have overstepped the mark. I have set boundaries for a reason, to keep Her separate from me. But showing you my new lingerie that I had chosen, flaunting myself in front of you, rubbing and teasing. That was something else. I wondered if I came across too strong, too hard. All the little fantasies emerging. I do feel we are getting closer as D/s and bonding in a truer sense. And although we discussed exploring and stretching your boundaries, I don’t want you to be too scared to tell me when to stop or you don’t like something. It is supposed to bring pleasure to both of us, and not be a one sided affair."
"So lovely to have you back with us again. 4 weeks. Sometimes it’s almost surreal, the journey, the friendship, everything. I have also been very emotional this weekend... All these weeks of anticipation, fretting, nerves. All I know is that when we are together... I feel complete inside. I hope She is still what you hoped for, what you want in a D. I find little aspects of her creeping through in quiet moments between us. But I don’t want Her to become me. It’s always surreal when we leave the room and go back into the living room that everything switches back to normal. Shopping in Sin Sins was very fulfilling. I think you can see why I love the shop so much. I hope it gave you a few ideas! But I also hope it didn’t scare you too much, but to be honest, some of the stuff there isn’t to my liking either. It’s all about personal taste and preferences. Sunday – I have too many emotions still inside me. I fear that I may have overstepped the mark. I have set boundaries for a reason, to keep Her separate from me. But showing you my new lingerie that I had chosen, flaunting myself in front of you, rubbing and teasing. That was something else. I wondered if I came across too strong, too hard. All the little fantasies emerging. I do feel we are getting closer as D/s and bonding in a truer sense. And although we discussed exploring and stretching your boundaries, I don’t want you to be too scared to tell me when to stop or you don’t like something. It is supposed to bring pleasure to both of us, and not be a one sided affair."
17 August 2009
An Easter to remember
Easter was the next time P came down to visit. It was a delicious mixture of friendship, close personal time and the continuation of our bonding with two sessions. I will let extracts of P's diaries to me explain how things developed.
"Our session was wonderful, it was so good to be able to kneel before you again and it felt so right. To feel your touch on my skin again, be it hard or soft. My Lady is everything I could hope for and more. I treasure our time together. You pushed me almost to my limits and I was momentarily tempted to use my safe-word. My nipples were so sensitive when you placed the bells on for the second time, but I still didn’t want to stop. I’m as curious to know exactly where my limits are as you are. I feel so alive in session, dressed or undressed to please you. I was so aroused by ALL of your actions, the sights of your tanned hands on my white skin, looking into your eyes as you touch me. Watching you put on the pink gloves was very erotic, knowing you would be touching me so intimately with them. The different lubes were interesting sensations and I thank you for being permitted to choose which I preferred. I was so aroused by your actions and treatment and watching you do it all. I wish you didn’t have to take my word for it, but could have seen the evidence for yourself. When you started to use my bullet on me, I was in heaven, so sensitive so ready so aroused. Then to finally manage to cum for you must show how you affect me, and for it to have happened several times! I’ve only ever cum once in the presence of someone else but this was also when someone else was touching me and several on the run, all firsts for me, and I will be forever grateful to you for them. It was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced. Then to be able to lie in your arms afterwards was so calming, I know I was shaking and my heart beating so fast. I do truly feel at peace when I do though."
"We then had another incredible session. You looked so wonderful in the babydoll, so erotic and beautiful, I was honoured. What you said and did in the session wasn’t too much at all. I loved it, hearing you talk about fantasies I’ve shared with you and be teased with aspects of them. Feeling your body rub against mine was very arousing, knowing that you were affected by our session too. Your body is so beautiful I loved being able to see it, and the thought that one day I might be allowed to serve you in some way is mind-blowing. I will admit I pretty much hit my pain limit, or at any rate my current one this time, although I was fascinated by the colour it resulted in. Yet I still wasn’t ready to say my safe-word. I do think that we are bonding as D/s and know you are learning to read my body and my reactions. I do wish I was more able to talk to you in session though, I know you want me to, I hope that each time I can say a little more. I was getting a few little reminders of the session when I was sitting on the floor later on."
"Our session was wonderful, it was so good to be able to kneel before you again and it felt so right. To feel your touch on my skin again, be it hard or soft. My Lady is everything I could hope for and more. I treasure our time together. You pushed me almost to my limits and I was momentarily tempted to use my safe-word. My nipples were so sensitive when you placed the bells on for the second time, but I still didn’t want to stop. I’m as curious to know exactly where my limits are as you are. I feel so alive in session, dressed or undressed to please you. I was so aroused by ALL of your actions, the sights of your tanned hands on my white skin, looking into your eyes as you touch me. Watching you put on the pink gloves was very erotic, knowing you would be touching me so intimately with them. The different lubes were interesting sensations and I thank you for being permitted to choose which I preferred. I was so aroused by your actions and treatment and watching you do it all. I wish you didn’t have to take my word for it, but could have seen the evidence for yourself. When you started to use my bullet on me, I was in heaven, so sensitive so ready so aroused. Then to finally manage to cum for you must show how you affect me, and for it to have happened several times! I’ve only ever cum once in the presence of someone else but this was also when someone else was touching me and several on the run, all firsts for me, and I will be forever grateful to you for them. It was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced. Then to be able to lie in your arms afterwards was so calming, I know I was shaking and my heart beating so fast. I do truly feel at peace when I do though."
"We then had another incredible session. You looked so wonderful in the babydoll, so erotic and beautiful, I was honoured. What you said and did in the session wasn’t too much at all. I loved it, hearing you talk about fantasies I’ve shared with you and be teased with aspects of them. Feeling your body rub against mine was very arousing, knowing that you were affected by our session too. Your body is so beautiful I loved being able to see it, and the thought that one day I might be allowed to serve you in some way is mind-blowing. I will admit I pretty much hit my pain limit, or at any rate my current one this time, although I was fascinated by the colour it resulted in. Yet I still wasn’t ready to say my safe-word. I do think that we are bonding as D/s and know you are learning to read my body and my reactions. I do wish I was more able to talk to you in session though, I know you want me to, I hope that each time I can say a little more. I was getting a few little reminders of the session when I was sitting on the floor later on."
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