Normal service has resumed

After a day of self doubts and a semi emotional crisis, P text me when she read my earlier post regarding my feelings.  We chatted online for a while and she was happy for me to postpone the e-session until tomorrow when I might be in a better frame of mind.  I said I wanted to do the session as we'd arranged for tonight.  I view it rather like falling off a bike.  If you fall off, you get straight back on again.  If you don't, you won't have the courage to continue.  So I said we'd do the session.  And I was so glad that we did.  Everything just clicked back into place so easily.  My mindset returned and I was focused on my Hussy completely.  Having to punish her probably helped with the process.  I always write up our sessions so I can remember what I've done, what's worked and what hasn't, how P has felt and what she's said.  It helps me to plan for future sessions.  I had FetLife open on the laptop and I received a message from a stranger.  A dom who had read my erotic piece I had posted a few days ago.  His words were so uplifting and gave me a much needed boost of confidence that I was doing the right thing.  And that P had a special and discerning mistress.  So a stranger helped to link the circle and reconnect me.  I feel whole and complete again.  Normal service has resumed.

It's that old devil called doubt again

Why today of all days should my old doubts and fears return?  Strong enough to make me question who I am, why I do this, what am I doing it for and most importantly should I be doing this?  I did this once before and my guilt over domination became so great I ran away from it for six months only to recently return.  I never read of this on anyone else's blog or journals.  May be I am too honest and admit to being a human being.  I know that P has no problems with her submission.  I have struggled on and off to accept my dominant side, embrace it and enjoy it.  It all sounds rather stupid doesn't it.  We are having an e-session tonight but I sat here earlier and thought about calling it off.  I couldn't go through with it.  Emotionally I was brought to tears as I looked at what everyone else has been doing on FetLife and felt a rather ineffectual dominant.  I felt I was only playing around with it, that I was almost a fraud in the BDSM culture.  But someone told me today that my experiences are no more invalid than hers, just different rungs of the same ladder.

P has always said I put too much pressure on myself to deliver as her Lady and I know that's true.  I should learn to step back, embrace and enjoy it and not be consumed by guilt.  She loves me in all ways and being D/s is just one small facet of our relationship.  In RL things are equal and loving.  Often she is my rock and my shoulder to cry on.  In RL I am far less expressive and unable to open up properly.  Love has always alluded me until we met.  I have a lot of baggage that she has slowly been chipping away at.  As her Domme, I free myself for a while of these chains and am able to express myself.  I am an enigma, complex and deep spirited.  Even I don't understand myself sometimes.

I did what I always do, I gave myself a stern talking to and got on with life.  I made myself stop blubbing and being pitiful.  I made myself see that every other aspect of my life is wonderful and bless what I have been given.  And I should bless this side of me just as much.  I shouldn't keep on seeing the negative, but focus on what pleasures this gives me, the positive effect is has on me and let me dominant soul sing.

Oops!

I've checked my in-box and find it empty when it should read 'one new message'.  A deadline missed, not just by minutes but in so many more ways.  Is it defiance?  Is it rebellion?  I ponder how my Hussy could be like this as she hasn't failed quite so badly for a while.  I accept we all have RL to deal with but her instruction was issued two whole days ago.  She told me rather late last night that she had been invited out with some of her vanilla work colleagues.  Not a problem, I said, I don't want to interfere with RL.  But a deadline is a deadline and I expect it to be adhered to.  She should know this by now.  She should know that it displeases me.  Her diary should be with me but she isn't home yet and she failed to send it before she went out.  I am deeply disappointed.  She will expect to be punished, she knows this.  Discipline is required and it shall be meted out.  Am I being cruel or too strict?  May be, may be not.  This is all about perspective.  My perspective is an instruction with a specific deadline was issued and she has failed to comply.  Tomorrow I will get the apologies and may be a reason for her failure.  But she knows she has failed.  That will shame her.  She feels the shame of failing me keenly.  And she will atone for her failure.  I will teach her a lesson and expect her to learn from her mistakes, to learn from my discipline, to accept my authority and try harder next time.  I will tell her it is part of her submission and acceptance of my dominance, how I guide her to be a better hussy for me.  And I shall secretly smile as I do all of this.  Oops indeed!

Finding my voice

Well it's not even been a week since I joined FetLife and it is certainly proving to be something I wish I'd done a long time ago.  It's lovely to have complete strangers say hello and have a genuine interest in who I am and ask sensible questions.  I have been able to engage in proper adult conversation about the life style without any prejudice or preconceived ideas.  It's been most refreshing and a welcome outlet other than this blog.  It's been good to talk as the old BT advert once said.  Of course I'm not naive.  I'm sure there are time wasters and I will eventually get my fair share of being pestered as I am a Domme on the site.  If it happens, I'll deal with it.  But I have realised that it is human conversation, however it's conducted, with like minded individuals that I've missed the most.  It's not exactly the kind of thing you can drop into a dinner conversation when someone says 'and what do you like to do in your spare time?'  'Well actually I'm a Domme and I have a hussy sub' would rather kill any party stone dead amongst vanillas.  Although a part of me would rather enjoy the reaction afterwards!

I am happy to chat to anyone so I have been able to engage with both dominants and submissives and treat them all the same.  P has also joined FetLife and I'm sure it will be even more beneficial for her.  Being able to chat to others like herself and find some real friends in the life style.  Empathy is a great thing.  There are lots of groups and some already have topics which strike a chord within both our souls.  It has been refreshing to be so open when this aspect of my soul is closely guarded and kept hidden from my vanilla life.  Which I'm sure many of you out there can appreciate.  I've had funny and serious conversations in equal measure and found some fetishes listed also brought a smile to my face.  There are three listed for 'David Tennant' which I did as a search just for fun!  Certainly appeals to my Whovian geekness!

FetLife has brought me out of my shell and allowed me to fly, stretch my wings and find my voice.  It's a liberating experience for both of us.

My own pleasure

The reawakening of my mojo has had one super side affect - great orgasms! I have had some beautiful ones over the last two or three days, probably helped by the end of my cycle and a sudden rise in my libido! So my trusty bullet has been my faithful friend. It's not often I achieve a multiple but this has also happened twice so I count myself as blessed. My body is responding as our D/s becomes more connected. I am just enjoying the release and endorphins that go with them. I feel the glow of happiness and it probably shows too. It's not something I would have admitted, let alone publicly written about before now but now my confidence has allowed me to say it out loud. And be proud of it too!

Tonight

I text her this morning 'no panties rule today', she replied 'I have followed my lady's wishes'. She is on a touching ban and feels it keenly. I have received her diary and know her innermost thoughts. She can not hide from me. She has her written instructions sent by email - how to present herself to me, what to wear, items she needs with her. She will have the nipple clamps she was told to buy, she knows they will be used on her, by her. Now she is preparing - bathing, shaving, shaking with anticipation of what is to come. She will speak her mantra to herself as she looks in the mirror and sees the reflection of who she truly is. My Hussy and my Slut. I control and deny her by my words. Tonight I will speak and she will do my bidding, for I am her Lady. And it feels good.

FetLife

I've known about FetLife for a while but never considered joining it. Mainly because I felt like a fraud. Why? Because for a long time, I've felt I'm just playing around with D/s and people on forums and communities such as FetLife would just ignore me. It's all about acceptance, and that's what everyone wants from life. To be part of something. But an email I received this week has made me look at this differently. Or rather me differently. FetLife (which I'm sure many of you know) is the BDSM equivalent of Facebook and MySpace, but run by kinsters for kinksters. I suppose I wasn't ready to broadcast my existence to a far wider internet audience. Since regenerating the blog and rediscovering my mojo, I have pondered FetLife several times. The email finally made me realise that I shouldn't be scared to say who I am and be proud of this part of my life.

So I've taken the plunge and signed up. It's only been a couple of days and I haven't had time to really start to explore the community, the groups, discussions or make any friends yet. My profile is blank apart from some basic information but I intend to resolve this over the weekend. So if anyone out there would like to join me as a friend on FetLife, my ID there is Lady_Xanax. I'm sure it will take a while to find my way round it and get familiar with how to post or join discussions but I hope to meet lots of new friends. I am happy to chat to anyone whether you're a top, bottom, dom(me), male or female, sub, straight, gay, bi or whoever you chose to be. The important thing for me is to learn and share this whole experience. So now I've taken the plunge, please look me up!