After the highs of session, come the incredible lows. I had read all about Domme drop but experiencing it is something else. Whenever P left me, I was overcome with emotion. The first parting was akin to having an arm ripped from me. The crash would take a couple of days to work through before I would emerge from the other side. I relied on Jay a lot in those dark days when I wrestled with my conscience. Then when P left after staying with me for Easter, I hit rock bottom. It took a few days for me to slide down to it, but when I got there, I went into meltdown. And I wrote to P...
"I’ve been thinking this last week about what we’ve started and where we’re going. I know that I always think too much and analysis but I can’t seem to shake off certain feelings. Sometimes I feel so incredibly guilty over what I do to you and can’t seem to reconcile myself with it. This side of me is sometimes too strong to handle, and very overwhelming. I was hoping it would settle down once we’d had a couple of sessions but it hasn’t. How I felt last Sunday scared me, I was an emotional wreck and I lost it big time. I am having great difficulty reconciling myself to being dominant and I don’t feel comfortable or confident in the role. I know that as we e-chat, talking to each other face to face is problematic, but I really can’t seem to find any words to say. My mouth goes dry; I shake and feel ashamed of everything. Unless I can accept and understand this part of me and find peace and happiness there, I will just continue to beat myself up over this and make myself even more upset than I already am. I know this will upset you as you are so very sure and certain of your true self. And I am so so sorry for that. But I am not so sure or certain. You can reply without hesitation that you know it was the right thing for you and it makes you so happy. I can’t say that. I always hesitate and have doubts, fears and anxieties. If I feel like this now, then I don’t think I will ever change.
I really don’t know who I am anymore or what I am. I think I need to take a step back and think things through. I need to know if this is the right decision for me or not. I don’t know how long this will take or what the outcome will be. I know this will upset you and I truly don’t know what else to say other than I am so so sorry and feel so ashamed and guilty at having shown you a glimpse of happiness, only to take it away from you. I don’t know if you can ever forgive me and I don’t seek it from you. You may not even understand why. All I do ask is that you don’t hate me."
I sent the email and didn't expect to hear from P again. However, as she often tells me, it only proved to me how stubborn she is, as well as how much of a friend she is too. Her reply was short and succinct until we were able to chat later:
"I knew something was wrong...You know I'd never knowingly hurt you and the fact that you have been hurt upsets me more than any decisions you might make. We don't have to talk every night and if you need space then that is not a problem. Yes I enjoy our chats but your happiness is more important. You are very special to me, even more so than She is, and having your friendship in my life makes me happier than anything. I want you to be happy, relaxed and comfortable around me otherwise you won't want to spend time with me, and I'll do anything I can to help with that. If it means giving up my Lady, then I will do that too, you are a very special person. Perhaps a line was crossed last week but I'm not going to regret it. Life is just too short for regrets, you told me that."
So there I was at rock bottom. I could either throw it all away or drag myself up by my boots and accept myself. And that's when I began my slow turnaround. It took me the remaining few weeks until P returned to me to go through the process of acceptance and be fully prepared for our next sessions. After all the turmoil, I can honestly say the journey has been hard, but worth it. For now I am reconciled to my inner self, fully embracing of it and all it entails. And I know that P is even more happy that I am finally happy too.
18 August 2009
My own Easter thoughts
As I always want both sides of the story to be told, here are some of my own thoughts on Easter which I sent to P. I was still going through emotional turmoil at this time and some of my diaries to P reflected those insecurities:
"So lovely to have you back with us again. 4 weeks. Sometimes it’s almost surreal, the journey, the friendship, everything. I have also been very emotional this weekend... All these weeks of anticipation, fretting, nerves. All I know is that when we are together... I feel complete inside. I hope She is still what you hoped for, what you want in a D. I find little aspects of her creeping through in quiet moments between us. But I don’t want Her to become me. It’s always surreal when we leave the room and go back into the living room that everything switches back to normal. Shopping in Sin Sins was very fulfilling. I think you can see why I love the shop so much. I hope it gave you a few ideas! But I also hope it didn’t scare you too much, but to be honest, some of the stuff there isn’t to my liking either. It’s all about personal taste and preferences. Sunday – I have too many emotions still inside me. I fear that I may have overstepped the mark. I have set boundaries for a reason, to keep Her separate from me. But showing you my new lingerie that I had chosen, flaunting myself in front of you, rubbing and teasing. That was something else. I wondered if I came across too strong, too hard. All the little fantasies emerging. I do feel we are getting closer as D/s and bonding in a truer sense. And although we discussed exploring and stretching your boundaries, I don’t want you to be too scared to tell me when to stop or you don’t like something. It is supposed to bring pleasure to both of us, and not be a one sided affair."
"So lovely to have you back with us again. 4 weeks. Sometimes it’s almost surreal, the journey, the friendship, everything. I have also been very emotional this weekend... All these weeks of anticipation, fretting, nerves. All I know is that when we are together... I feel complete inside. I hope She is still what you hoped for, what you want in a D. I find little aspects of her creeping through in quiet moments between us. But I don’t want Her to become me. It’s always surreal when we leave the room and go back into the living room that everything switches back to normal. Shopping in Sin Sins was very fulfilling. I think you can see why I love the shop so much. I hope it gave you a few ideas! But I also hope it didn’t scare you too much, but to be honest, some of the stuff there isn’t to my liking either. It’s all about personal taste and preferences. Sunday – I have too many emotions still inside me. I fear that I may have overstepped the mark. I have set boundaries for a reason, to keep Her separate from me. But showing you my new lingerie that I had chosen, flaunting myself in front of you, rubbing and teasing. That was something else. I wondered if I came across too strong, too hard. All the little fantasies emerging. I do feel we are getting closer as D/s and bonding in a truer sense. And although we discussed exploring and stretching your boundaries, I don’t want you to be too scared to tell me when to stop or you don’t like something. It is supposed to bring pleasure to both of us, and not be a one sided affair."
17 August 2009
An Easter to remember
Easter was the next time P came down to visit. It was a delicious mixture of friendship, close personal time and the continuation of our bonding with two sessions. I will let extracts of P's diaries to me explain how things developed.
"Our session was wonderful, it was so good to be able to kneel before you again and it felt so right. To feel your touch on my skin again, be it hard or soft. My Lady is everything I could hope for and more. I treasure our time together. You pushed me almost to my limits and I was momentarily tempted to use my safe-word. My nipples were so sensitive when you placed the bells on for the second time, but I still didn’t want to stop. I’m as curious to know exactly where my limits are as you are. I feel so alive in session, dressed or undressed to please you. I was so aroused by ALL of your actions, the sights of your tanned hands on my white skin, looking into your eyes as you touch me. Watching you put on the pink gloves was very erotic, knowing you would be touching me so intimately with them. The different lubes were interesting sensations and I thank you for being permitted to choose which I preferred. I was so aroused by your actions and treatment and watching you do it all. I wish you didn’t have to take my word for it, but could have seen the evidence for yourself. When you started to use my bullet on me, I was in heaven, so sensitive so ready so aroused. Then to finally manage to cum for you must show how you affect me, and for it to have happened several times! I’ve only ever cum once in the presence of someone else but this was also when someone else was touching me and several on the run, all firsts for me, and I will be forever grateful to you for them. It was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced. Then to be able to lie in your arms afterwards was so calming, I know I was shaking and my heart beating so fast. I do truly feel at peace when I do though."
"We then had another incredible session. You looked so wonderful in the babydoll, so erotic and beautiful, I was honoured. What you said and did in the session wasn’t too much at all. I loved it, hearing you talk about fantasies I’ve shared with you and be teased with aspects of them. Feeling your body rub against mine was very arousing, knowing that you were affected by our session too. Your body is so beautiful I loved being able to see it, and the thought that one day I might be allowed to serve you in some way is mind-blowing. I will admit I pretty much hit my pain limit, or at any rate my current one this time, although I was fascinated by the colour it resulted in. Yet I still wasn’t ready to say my safe-word. I do think that we are bonding as D/s and know you are learning to read my body and my reactions. I do wish I was more able to talk to you in session though, I know you want me to, I hope that each time I can say a little more. I was getting a few little reminders of the session when I was sitting on the floor later on."
"Our session was wonderful, it was so good to be able to kneel before you again and it felt so right. To feel your touch on my skin again, be it hard or soft. My Lady is everything I could hope for and more. I treasure our time together. You pushed me almost to my limits and I was momentarily tempted to use my safe-word. My nipples were so sensitive when you placed the bells on for the second time, but I still didn’t want to stop. I’m as curious to know exactly where my limits are as you are. I feel so alive in session, dressed or undressed to please you. I was so aroused by ALL of your actions, the sights of your tanned hands on my white skin, looking into your eyes as you touch me. Watching you put on the pink gloves was very erotic, knowing you would be touching me so intimately with them. The different lubes were interesting sensations and I thank you for being permitted to choose which I preferred. I was so aroused by your actions and treatment and watching you do it all. I wish you didn’t have to take my word for it, but could have seen the evidence for yourself. When you started to use my bullet on me, I was in heaven, so sensitive so ready so aroused. Then to finally manage to cum for you must show how you affect me, and for it to have happened several times! I’ve only ever cum once in the presence of someone else but this was also when someone else was touching me and several on the run, all firsts for me, and I will be forever grateful to you for them. It was one of the most incredible things I’ve ever experienced. Then to be able to lie in your arms afterwards was so calming, I know I was shaking and my heart beating so fast. I do truly feel at peace when I do though."
"We then had another incredible session. You looked so wonderful in the babydoll, so erotic and beautiful, I was honoured. What you said and did in the session wasn’t too much at all. I loved it, hearing you talk about fantasies I’ve shared with you and be teased with aspects of them. Feeling your body rub against mine was very arousing, knowing that you were affected by our session too. Your body is so beautiful I loved being able to see it, and the thought that one day I might be allowed to serve you in some way is mind-blowing. I will admit I pretty much hit my pain limit, or at any rate my current one this time, although I was fascinated by the colour it resulted in. Yet I still wasn’t ready to say my safe-word. I do think that we are bonding as D/s and know you are learning to read my body and my reactions. I do wish I was more able to talk to you in session though, I know you want me to, I hope that each time I can say a little more. I was getting a few little reminders of the session when I was sitting on the floor later on."
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)