Changes

More specifically changes in myself.  Since I started this particular journey, I have changed.  I am not a naturally confident person.  I was bullied at school.  I've had bad experiences in previous relationships which have left their mark mentally rather than physically.  I always prefer to be in the kitchen at parties.  I'm the perennial wallflower.  I blend into the background rather than stand out.  All these aspects are at odds with what I am doing now.  But I have noticed subtle changes within me, which also show outwardly.

This particular journey in my life is starting to become something of an Epiphany.  Being dominant is at odds with my shy nature, uncertain at gatherings, nervous of public speaking, not one to step up to the plate and announce her presence.  And though I love clothes, I dress to remain invisible to everyone, don't allow myself to stand out.  No bright colours.  I don't want to draw attention to myself.  Amazing what your past can do to your present.  Though there has always been a part of me that wants to be my true self.  I have "argued" with myself - tried to justify why I shouldn't wear that skirt to work, that colour blouse or those boots or heels.  I just don't want to stand out and draw unwanted attention to myself.  Because I lack confidence in myself.

Now I feel like a hermit crab, coming out of my shell.  My shell has been my protection, my barrier against my fears.  Most of those fears are of my own making though a few are the product of my past.  Ones that I have allowed to dominate me, dominate my personality.  There's also a tiny self destruct button which I naturally push whenever anyone gets close to me emotionally and physically.  It's self preservation, a gut reaction.  Since starting out on my fledgling wings as a Domme, I have struggled to accept who I am.  Some of those struggles are already detailed in earlier posts on my blog.  Accepting my dominant side and reconciling it with what I was doing with P was a journey in itself.  I even stepped away from it completely for a few months before the calling returned, stronger than ever.  And since then, I haven't turned away from it.  I have embraced it, nurtured it, enjoyed it, loved it, fantasised and lived it.  I do all those things now and it gets stronger with each passing day.  Sometimes I still feel I have two sides to myself, rather like a coin.  Sometimes I know it is an essential part of me, one that has to be given freedom.  And part of that freedom is to have the confidence in myself.

My photos which are on FetLife are probably one of the biggest indicators of the changes I have and am going through.  The early ones show my face hidden behind a venetian mask, lots of leg and foot shots and a few full length ones.  But the mask hid who I was.  As P took more photos, I found myself enjoying it more and more.  And that showed as I ditched the mask and flirted with the camera.  And not just with the photos that are on FetLife.  There are many that are just "for our eyes only", for both P and I to enjoy.  I enjoy teasing and flirting, posing and causing a few ripples of excitement when the photos are uploaded.

Being dominant is spreading into my real life.  Mainly in the way I think and feel and react to the world around me.  As my mum said a little while ago "I'm too old to worry about what people think of me."  And that has always been one of my problems, worrying about what people think of me.  Slowly I have stopped worrying.  Embracing my dominance has given me the confidence to wear the clothes I like, the shoes I like and incorporate this when at work and out of work.  I used to wear trousers at work and never show my legs.  Now I have dresses and skirts, wear knee high boots in winter, high heels now the sunny days are here.  And since I have been on a workout regime since the beginning of the year, I have been able to buy fitted clothes and show off my new, sleeker figure.  And all this makes me feel good.  I walk a little taller, a step stronger, head a little higher, back a little straighter.  I feel proud of my appearance, the way I look.  I've had compliments and close friends have noticed the subtle differences in how I act as well as look.  What changes inwardly is shown outwardly.  I'm not pretending to have full and complete confidence, but it's more than a start.

For me these changes are unexpected but a welcome side affect to being a dominant.  I want to enjoy the new found personal freedom it is giving me.  The slow release from old mental chains is a relief, though scary as I find my feet and strive to reach the right balance.  But it's also an exciting phase in my life as I embrace this new side of me.  Knowing the affects I have on others, people who enjoy my photos, converse with others who are either dominants or submissives.  The thrill of knowing what I can do and what is to come.  And have the confidence not to retreat back into my shell.  All these changes are making a difference to my life.  It's something I didn't expect, but something I'm willing to embrace and continue to grow.

The Holy Grail

My hussy stayed for a few days recently.  I was at work during the week, so she was able to relax at home and went out with my best friend.  They enjoy each other's company.  In the evenings, I would come home to find her waiting with a hug and a kiss.  It's lovely to know she's there waiting.  She served me diligently, being attentive to my every need.  Before bed, I was treated to blissful foot massages with oils and creams.  She watched mesmerised as I would roll my cigarettes for the next day.  I tease her about my nimble fingers as they twist and turn, my tongue licking the paper before creating the perfect cigarette.  I had planned a session for the Friday evening.  However, I received some upsetting news and the stress completely threw me out of my mind set.  I decided it was better to cancel it as I didn't want to take it out on her physically.  Besides I just wasn't in the mood for it anymore.  I apologised but P is always understanding.  As she told me, there will be plenty of other opportunities to come.

Saturday was spent out together shopping and eating out with lots of loving in the evening.  On the Sunday, she was due to leave at lunchtime.  She needed to get home earlier than usual to sort some things out before going back to work.  I didn't want her to go, I never do.  Letting go is always the hardest part.  More so this time as it would be 7 weeks before we saw each other again.  My hormones were raging.  She was trying to pack.  I watched her pack then couldn't restrain myself anymore.  I needed one last taste of passion.

I closed the bedroom door and walked over to her.  I was probably giving off enough sparks to light a bonfire.  It wasn't long before we were kissing and pawing at each other.  I virtually ripped her clothes off before we fell on the bed.  Normally we make love slowly with lots of stroking, arousing, tenderness mixed with deep passion.  Not that lunchtime.  I needed release, I needed to feel her skin on my skin, her fingers on my body and her tongue on my skin.  It wasn't long before P's lips slid down my body towards my pussy.  I was more than ready.  I almost leapt off the bed when her tongue connected.  It's been a while since I've been so worked up before being touched.  P loves giving oral sex and I enjoy it thoroughly.  Her goal has always been to make me orgasm from her tongue.  Earlier blogs have explained that for some reason, I have only been able to get so far before needing a toy to complete the process.  Though the last couple of times, I have seemed to be more attuned to her.

I lay on the bed, my legs spread over P's shoulders as her tongue worked its magic.  I was very sensitive, throbbing and needing release.  I actually don't know how long P's head was between my thighs, I only remember clutching her hair, moving her head where I wanted it, where I needed it.  Her tongue moved fast, her lips sucked and kissed.  My thighs gave the first signal just before I felt the tingle.  Oh. My. I vaguely remember saying "oh shit!" or something but the orgasm was so intense, it just flooded my body and my senses.  P just kept her tongue going as I writhed on the bed, almost crushing her head between my thighs.  It wasn't just one, I know I had at least two or may be three before I actually had to stop her.  The intensity was so different to my favourite toy.  It was a bit of a shock that the impossible happened.

Afterwards, P lapped up my cum like cream and even that was almost too much to bear as my pussy was hyper sensitive by then.  Then she crawled up the bed to rest beside me and hold me in her arms.  The grin on her face couldn't have been wider or brighter.  It took me a while to recover.  A happy recovery, getting my breath back as I was smothered in musky kisses, tasting myself on my lips from her lips.  P giggled as she said my thighs had twitched before she felt my pussy cum all over her.  She had to push my thighs apart as I'd tried to crush her while keeping my orgasm going for as long as possible.  It was, and is, almost impossible for me to believe it happened.  I just lay there at once relieved and amazed at my own body.  P just grinned.  I don't think either of us can wait for the next time.  Of course my antics delayed her departure, but I'm sure she didn't mind why.