Yes, it has been a long, long time since I have posted here. There have been so many things happening in my real life that my blog has been a poor last on my list. The biggest change has been my relationship with P. It has developed into real love and this is something that has been missing from my life for many years. I wanted to devote my time to our relationship and we have been able to see each other quite a lot this year as a result. The side affect of this was that my inner conflict returned. I felt that our D/s side interfered with our love. I felt I was hurting P and found it hard to separate the two sets of emotions. After P had visited at Christmas/New Year, I drove up to see her later in January this year but I couldn't go through with any kind of scene. P was fine with this but she has always been the stronger of us in emotional terms. Ironic how as her Dominant, I feel I am weaker in those terms. In February, I couldn't take the conflict any more and severed our D/s side of life. I wrote an email to P explaining how I felt and why I couldn't continue with it. I had discussed this with her for the couple of weeks or so before I made the decision, and P as always, was accepting of whatever I decided. She put her own priority on us rather than Her. As she said to me, P came to see me not Her. Her was a bonus and submissiveness was something she never expected to fulfill in the first place. It almost felt like a breakdown, which sounds extreme but I was so confused, conflicted and upset as I tried to resolve the never ending issue, that it was better to just walk away from it all.
For many weeks and months, I didn't think about D/s. Sometimes I read blogs that I have linked to my own, a sort of morbid curiosity to see how the experts handle things. I never felt I was an expert in the D/s field and did ponder, once I made the decision, whether I was capable of doing it ever again. So my mojo was well and truly lost. P was happy to leave it alone too. She wanted to concentrate on our real life relationship and I had no arguments with that. Our love deepened and strengthened and I do not regret it for a single moment. I did wonder if she regretted starting our journey together but P assured me that wasn't the case. With this assurance, I concentrated on our relationship which has deepened and helped me to open up to love after been shut away for so long.
However, that side of us is not for me to post about. I suppose people may wonder if that means the end of my blog. I have resisted deleting it, although it was my first natural reaction when I stopped our D/s relationship and locked away my alter ego. P didn't want me to delete it, she felt it was too important for that. So I just left it though I never forgot it. In recent weeks, my mojo has been re-emerge. May be I just suffered the biggest Don drop in history but about a month ago, I re-read my own blogs and started to search for new ones. The embers started to be rekindled and I admitted to myself how much it still aroused me to read about D/s relationships and all they encompassed. I started to think about P and myself, whether I could go back to it, even in a reduced format, one that suited us better. Well suited me better. I didn't want to overwhelm myself too quickly. So slowly I reacquainted myself mentally to the D/s ways, emotions, needs, wants and desires.
About 3 weeks ago, I decided to broach the subject with P during one of our online chats. I'm sure it surprised her to hear me talk about it again. I didn't want to get her hopes up but I felt it was only right that she should know what was on my mind. Again she was content for me to go back to it in my own time, in my own way. There was never any pressure from P for which I am forever grateful. So my mojo began to awaken, I felt more and more drawn to returning to our D/s relationship. The only thing I had to work out in my head was how and when.
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