Decisions

I have been off work on holiday this week and P has stayed with me too. I had a vague inkling that I might try a short scene with her. But I still hadn’t made the final decision as to when or what I would do. I have been reading a particular blog BDSM Relationships for a couple of weeks. The blog has been like going back to school, BDSM school. A lot of the articles have simply reawakened my latent interest and allowed me to go over the basics. Basic principles that I had perhaps allowed to get lost before I decided to stop things for a while. P had often told me she was happy to do the same things over and over. Her favourite sessions involved restraint (hands, ankles), spanking, anal play and servitude. These things can easily fill many a happy hour or two. Reading the blog so wonderfully written by an expert in his field helped me to realise how much I missed our sessions and how aroused I still was by the thought of what I could do with P.

Although I had mentioned to P that I had been thinking more and more of returning to our play sessions, I had never confirmed anything. It had been more of an ‘if’ rather than ‘when’. And P didn’t pressurise me over the matter. Yes she would be lying if she said she wasn’t more than a little excited about the prospect, but she merely reiterated that she was coming down to see me, not Her. However, my appetite was starting to grow and I felt the hunger inside me. The little empty space inside my soul that niggled at me. The more I thought about it, the more I read and re-read and the more I thought about crossing the bridge when P arrived. In my head, I almost listed the pros and cons. I was more concerned about how I would handle it, knowing the traumas I had put myself through twice already. Simply I thought about what I missed. And those reasons came to me very quickly. The main ones I could list are:
Our Friday nights (which seemed to be more structured with our e-sessions)
Spanking (obvious!)
Servitude (being serviced by P was too arousing for words!)
Restraint
Sensory Deprivation
Dominance
Control
Fantasy (sharing ours with each other)

Once I made the mental connection to those core issues, it all seemed to slot back into place. I have mulled over things without telling P, wanting to work it out for myself. Accepting this other side of me, my alter ego, again was the key. And not to blur the edges of Her and me, to have the clear distinction between what was dominance and our real life relationship. I’m sure to many people in the community, this isn’t a problem. But for me it has and I have to make clear differences between the two before I can move forward. By Wednesday, I had settled those differences, accepted what I needed for that dark part of my soul and decided that I would make my move the next day. I didn’t tell P just in case I got cold feet and changed my mind at the last minute. I didn’t want to get her hopes up only to dash them again. I decided I would try out a mini session, probably nothing more than half an hour or so, just sticking to the basics, no formal dress changes as we used to. Just us and a quiet room, a few stern words softly spoken and my bag of tricks in the corner and see what happened. By giving myself parameters, I hoped I could keep within those boundaries and then together, share our feelings before starting again. I admit the thought scared and excited me in equal measure, but I was 99.9% certain it was decision made.