Still learning a lesson

My hussy should be here with me today.  But she isn't.  Instead she is still at home.  It may only be a trivial issue but my hussy never checks up on her arrangements.  For her, that arrangement is a simple one - cattery.  Her lovely two cats get their own week's holiday while she visits me.  She usually arranges this in advance, then promptly forgets what day they are supposed to be dropped off.  I have been asking her for a few weeks now to check when she was due to drop her cats off.  The only reply I have ever received was "Friday".  So I was all geared up for today, making sure her bed was ready etc etc.  The excitement levels were at a real high, full of anticipation and expectation.  Then last night she dropped the bombshell - she got her dates wrong.  She had the cattery booked from Saturday (tomorrow).

Trivial or not, my hussy never seems to check things properly, gets her dates and times muddled up.  I admit to being slightly confused in that when she is at work (as a teacher) she doesn't have these problems.  So obviously she has developed her own coping strategies and mechanisms not to miss a lesson, plan ahead and check dates and times.  I had a major issue with her last year when she missed a diary deadline completely because she went out socialising.  So to say I was miffed is an understatement.  I would have been really miffed if the cattery wasn't booked until next week especially as I have next week off work so we can be together.

Of course she knows she's in the dog house.  She knows she's going to get punished.  I have already devised a suitable punishment.  Not a physical one, I'm not vindictive.  Well I hope I'm not.  I'm sure there are some of you thinking it's a trivial matter and a sharp telling off is all that's required.  I know that doesn't work.  There needs to be something to back it up, teach her a lesson she is obviously still learning.  So after she has arrived sometime tomorrow, I will set out the punishment.  And it will be a taste of her own medicine.  As I've admonished her before, she wouldn't accept an excuse of being late or mixing up dates from her pupils and her colleagues wouldn't tolerate it if she did the same thing at work.

So trivial or not, she will accept her punishment and hopefully learn to check and double check any of her arrangements well in advance, write them down in her diary and tell me so I can make a note of them for back up.  Not the most auspicious start to our time off together, but I admit it also gets my dominant hormones racing.  Once it is done, it is done.  Slate clean.  And hopefully lesson well and truly learned.

Focusing the mind

My hussy has sent me 2 diaries since I sent her instructions.  The first diary was timestamped 18 minutes late according to my email in box.  My hussy was upset as she stated she had sent it before the deadline.  I was able to investigate a little more and establish that her original email had been sent 5 minutes before the deadline.  Cyberspace seemed to have delayed it for an unknown reason.  Feeling generous, I gave her the benefit of the doubt.  For her this meant a reprieve and no punishment.  However, it may well have a positive effect as the 2nd diary arrived with plenty of time to spare.  Fear of failure.  She strives for perfection.  She sets her sights high.  However she is not a natural time keeper and I have had problems in the past with late, or even, missed out diaries altogether.  But this is all to focus her mind.  And you can read some of her words.

1)
"Diary – Friday 12th August 2011 

A week to go now and I have my instructions from You, to prepare myself for the visit to You.  I’m looking forward to it in so many ways, but am also nervous.  I know that in recent months we’ve not been as active as before and I get scared that my tolerance gets lower.  I always want to be able to cope with whatever my Lady wishes to do to me.  It may not happen but it’s in the back of my mind, I don’t want to let You down. 

Mentally I’m getting into the right frame of mind.  My books are to hand and do help.  I’m starting to think to plan the only elements of a session that I have any control over and ensuring my appearance will please You. 

I miss You so much and can’t wait to be with You again, kneeling before You, where I belong."

2)
"Diary – Sunday 14th August 2011 

I’m starting to feel a little calmer now.  I know that there are currently no punishments due, especially after the delay of my last diary was resolved.  It’s not just punishments that I worry about being able to handle.  I want to be able to cope with anything You might want to be in the mood to do.  I can’t help the fear of failure, it is part of me and not something I can stop, no matter how much I wish that I could. 

I’m looking forward to daily service.  I do so love even the simple tasks like massaging Your feet.  It gives such a sense of fulfilment being able to bring You pleasure and relaxation.  Knowing each day will contain something for You and with You is very exciting. 

... My books have a proper permanent place on the book shelves and I’ve the space to be able to train properly again now too.  I’m looking forward to a training session tonight...The very idea of over a week together is a tremendous delight, it seems like an age since that last happened.  February I suppose it was.  I do miss You horribly at times but hope that we’ll find a balance during our time together."

A week to go

The countdown has begun.  Just a few days now until my hussy arrives at the end of next week.  It will be wonderful to see her and I certainly have plans!  But first I need to get her focused and in the right mindset.  To aid this I have sent her early instructions.  They are here for you to read and are typical of the kind of instructions I send her whenever she visits me, or I visit her.  I add or delete things depending on my mood.  I think she's in no doubt from these instructions of what kind of mood I'm already in...

"My darling Hussy

It is nearing the time of your visit and I am issuing you with specific instructions.  I expect you to follow my orders precisely as listed below:

1)   You will refrain from pleasuring yourself (touching ban) from 11pm on Wednesday 17 August.

2)   You will read your sub books and meditate each day to ensure you establish the right headspace for my visit.

3)   To continue with your training on a daily basis.  This is not for pleasure and you will not orgasm from it.  Until your touching ban occurs, you can orgasm for pleasure separately.  Training reinforces the bond between you and your Lady.

4)   Wherever possible you will wear the jewelled butt plug for a minimum of an hour each day.

5)   You will write a diary for me to be sent to my usual email address no later than 11pm on the following days:

·         Friday 12 August

·         Sunday 14 August

·         Tuesday 16 August

·         Thursday 18 August

These diaries should tell me how your preparation and training is progressing and that you are becoming mentally prepared for your visit.

6)   To ensure you are shaved and presentable at anytime for my immediate inspection which may be unannounced.

7)   To ensure that your wash bag, toy bag and cushion are available at any time I chose to inspect or make use of them.

8)   To bring your hair brush with you.

9)   To bring with you three sets of lingerie and appropriate clothing for your sessions.  Other clothing should enable you to be smart yet comfortable as you will be instructed to serve me at any time.  I will leave the choice up to you but the lingerie and clothes must be clean.  For your session your hair must be presented in a pony tail.

10)  You will not wear panties on your drive down from xxxxx to my home on Friday 19 August.  If panties are permitted, it will be at my discretion.

11)  To be fully prepared mentally and physically.  I expect complete obedience and compliance at all times.

Your Lady

X"

Back to normality

I am back home after a long 3 days and nights with my hussy. It was an awful wrench to leave her but the compensation is knowing that we will be back together again in 4 weeks time. And then we will be together for more than a week. But the last three days were wonderful especially as it was her birthday on Sunday - the first time we'd been able to spend her birthday together. And I gave her a birthday treat!

The time was spent re-bonding as it's been a long time since we've had a proper session. Bonding again in so many ways- physically and emotionally. Shopping on Saturday, something we haven't done for a while. Nilla shopping and sexy shopping is always a great combination! She had to get herself a new vibrator, which I put to good use on her birthday! But that was after we'd spent a lovely day out in the countryside with a pub lunch followed by a walk in a local park, and sharing locally made ice cream together. Back at her home, I took my time with a session which was emotional for her and hugely satisfying for me. She did her hair in plaits just for me as she knows I love to pull them.

Now I am back home and back to normality. Yes there is something missing inside of me as I sit here typing this, talking to her on MSN as I write. I miss her, in many many ways. I'm sure the high of the weekend will burst and I will experience the drop at some point, as she will too. We have learned to cope with it by talking to each other about how we feel. The e-sessions also help to keep the bond, keep the focus. But nothing can substitute the physical touch.

I know we're luckier than most, we get to meet up on a regular basis, can plan those events around our lives. Our relationship is more than D/s, we love in equal measure, and make sure there is balance between both sides of us. And in between our meetings is normality. And though that normality keeps apart, it also helps to keep us sane. Sometimes emotions break through the normality, but we wouldn't be human if that didn't sometimes happen. My work and home life help to stop me brooding over my hussy's absence. They are an important part of my life, and help to shape the person I am. The routine and structure of an average working day and average home life are necessary, are important. They help to keep my focused and I probably apply that to my D/s too. Structure and focus. My instructions, the e-sessions, the training - it all helps to make the physical sessions something special.

This wasn't intended to be such a long post. I know we all deal with LDR's in our own way, find our own balance, our own coping mechanisms. I find writing and talking the best way to cope. I have an extra day off tomorrow to do food shopping, take a pet to the vets, and probably do the mundane such as cleaning and ironing before I return to work on Wednesday. And I will be there for my hussy to help her through the next few days as my absence makes its own impact on her life. So getting back to normal is all part of the process with LDR's. No matter how much you wish it wasn't...

Needs

These 7 weeks have been a long time.  Not the first time we have been separated for a longer than usual period of time.  We've been apart for 8 weeks and we were both desperate.  We have (again) both been busy with home and work life, so many days and nights, I have not dwelt on the separation.  But recently my thoughts have been consumed by nothing else.  At work, I am focused, committed to a job that I adore.  At home, I am the same as anyone else with responsibilities.  Helping, caring, cooking, cleaning, and some me time too.  And in the quieter times, late at night, I feel my needs pushing to the surface.

My needs are simple and few.  I need to feel her, touch her, inhale her scent.  I need to take her, pull her by her pigtail, make her look up at me with adoring eyes.  I need to hear her voice, obey my instructions, attend to my whims.  I need to be worshipped, mentally and physically.  To be pampered, waited on, servitude.  I need to spank her, tease and deny her, gag her with her wet panties, bind her breasts, tweak her nipples, pull and pinch them, slap her tits, fill her holes with toys, make her cum and yet beg for more.  Do anything I want, because I can.

And when this is done, I need to surrender to her as her lover, give myself to her.  Feel her lips upon my skin, hear her moan with pleasure, go to sleep with her, wake up in the same bed as her.  Lie like spoons, feel her breathing against my back.  Trace the outline of her lips with my finger.  Make love forever and melt into one.  Just be together.

This is what I need.  I need her.  After almost 7 weeks I feel the end of the drought approaching.  I know I will almost drown in her.  Oh what bliss it shall be.  Only four sleeps remain until we are together again.  And I will get what I need.

Starting a countdown

In less than 2 weeks time, I hope to be reunited with my hussy.  When we do finally meet, it will have been 7 long weeks apart.  Home life has been a distraction (and sometimes a bit stressful) which has prevented me from being too melancholy over the separation.  Sometimes I have dwelt on it, late at night when I'm alone.  And when I do, I miss her on so many levels.  Not just as my hussy, my slut sub.  She's my lover and my friend.  I've actually come out of Domme mode, not had much chance to even think about that side of things.  Now that the days are counting down and soon will be into single figures, my mind returns to familiar things.

The weekend we meet will be my hussy's birthday.  So it will be special regardless of what happens.  But I want her to prepare for my arrival.  For her to perform some anal training in the week beforehand.  To ensure she is perfectly shaved, scrubbed and ready.  I will send her instructions.  I expect them to be adhered to.  She will go on a touching ban, no orgasms.  As my mind sets into Domme mode, so I want her to focus on being my slut, my hussy.  To be mentally prepared as well as physically.  The best thing is she won't know what to expect.  What ideas I might have, when I will want her to serve me, dictate how she may dress, how to behave.  I like to surprise her.

I will also ensure there is balance, the harmony between D/s and our loving relationship.  But I know that I do want a couple of good sessions, we need to bond again.  Of course any relationship goes through phases and with all the best will in the world, life sometimes gets in the way.  Stops the best laid plans from happening.  I'm hoping that this time, we can enjoy the best of both worlds in complete privacy.  And revel in the emotions of love, lust, dominance and submission.

Changes

More specifically changes in myself.  Since I started this particular journey, I have changed.  I am not a naturally confident person.  I was bullied at school.  I've had bad experiences in previous relationships which have left their mark mentally rather than physically.  I always prefer to be in the kitchen at parties.  I'm the perennial wallflower.  I blend into the background rather than stand out.  All these aspects are at odds with what I am doing now.  But I have noticed subtle changes within me, which also show outwardly.

This particular journey in my life is starting to become something of an Epiphany.  Being dominant is at odds with my shy nature, uncertain at gatherings, nervous of public speaking, not one to step up to the plate and announce her presence.  And though I love clothes, I dress to remain invisible to everyone, don't allow myself to stand out.  No bright colours.  I don't want to draw attention to myself.  Amazing what your past can do to your present.  Though there has always been a part of me that wants to be my true self.  I have "argued" with myself - tried to justify why I shouldn't wear that skirt to work, that colour blouse or those boots or heels.  I just don't want to stand out and draw unwanted attention to myself.  Because I lack confidence in myself.

Now I feel like a hermit crab, coming out of my shell.  My shell has been my protection, my barrier against my fears.  Most of those fears are of my own making though a few are the product of my past.  Ones that I have allowed to dominate me, dominate my personality.  There's also a tiny self destruct button which I naturally push whenever anyone gets close to me emotionally and physically.  It's self preservation, a gut reaction.  Since starting out on my fledgling wings as a Domme, I have struggled to accept who I am.  Some of those struggles are already detailed in earlier posts on my blog.  Accepting my dominant side and reconciling it with what I was doing with P was a journey in itself.  I even stepped away from it completely for a few months before the calling returned, stronger than ever.  And since then, I haven't turned away from it.  I have embraced it, nurtured it, enjoyed it, loved it, fantasised and lived it.  I do all those things now and it gets stronger with each passing day.  Sometimes I still feel I have two sides to myself, rather like a coin.  Sometimes I know it is an essential part of me, one that has to be given freedom.  And part of that freedom is to have the confidence in myself.

My photos which are on FetLife are probably one of the biggest indicators of the changes I have and am going through.  The early ones show my face hidden behind a venetian mask, lots of leg and foot shots and a few full length ones.  But the mask hid who I was.  As P took more photos, I found myself enjoying it more and more.  And that showed as I ditched the mask and flirted with the camera.  And not just with the photos that are on FetLife.  There are many that are just "for our eyes only", for both P and I to enjoy.  I enjoy teasing and flirting, posing and causing a few ripples of excitement when the photos are uploaded.

Being dominant is spreading into my real life.  Mainly in the way I think and feel and react to the world around me.  As my mum said a little while ago "I'm too old to worry about what people think of me."  And that has always been one of my problems, worrying about what people think of me.  Slowly I have stopped worrying.  Embracing my dominance has given me the confidence to wear the clothes I like, the shoes I like and incorporate this when at work and out of work.  I used to wear trousers at work and never show my legs.  Now I have dresses and skirts, wear knee high boots in winter, high heels now the sunny days are here.  And since I have been on a workout regime since the beginning of the year, I have been able to buy fitted clothes and show off my new, sleeker figure.  And all this makes me feel good.  I walk a little taller, a step stronger, head a little higher, back a little straighter.  I feel proud of my appearance, the way I look.  I've had compliments and close friends have noticed the subtle differences in how I act as well as look.  What changes inwardly is shown outwardly.  I'm not pretending to have full and complete confidence, but it's more than a start.

For me these changes are unexpected but a welcome side affect to being a dominant.  I want to enjoy the new found personal freedom it is giving me.  The slow release from old mental chains is a relief, though scary as I find my feet and strive to reach the right balance.  But it's also an exciting phase in my life as I embrace this new side of me.  Knowing the affects I have on others, people who enjoy my photos, converse with others who are either dominants or submissives.  The thrill of knowing what I can do and what is to come.  And have the confidence not to retreat back into my shell.  All these changes are making a difference to my life.  It's something I didn't expect, but something I'm willing to embrace and continue to grow.