The Lady is back...

It’s been a long time since my last post.  And much has happened during the intervening months.  Mainly on a personal level so that D/s had effectively stopped.  The reasons for this are varied and I don’t want to go into great detail about it.  I had many things happening at home and I also found myself being more concerned with the real life relationship which had developed between us rather than D/s.  I also tended to put a lot of pressure on myself before our sessions.  I always wanted them to be perfect which meant that after a while, I didn’t enjoy our sessions or look forward to them.  My hussy and I mutually agreed to stop them and concentrate on ourselves.  Which is what we have done for a couple of years.

Last year was particularly hard as I helped my best friend cope when her mum suffered a stroke.  After 5 months in hospital, her mum moved to a care home and sadly died in September.  Her funeral was 4 days before my holiday.  We both needed 2014 to end and draw a line under it which we have thankfully done.  There are still a few things that my best friend needs to tidy up and I shall help her, but the stress has now gone.  My hussy has been strong and supportive throughout this period and I want to publicly thank her for everything she has done for my best friend and myself.

So, during the last couple of years, I have indulged in some soft play but nothing more.  But increasingly over the last 2-3 months, I had found myself thinking about D/s again.  BDSM will always arouse me that has never stopped.  And I have often found solace in reading erotic fiction, perusing Fetlife and photos, websites etc as an escape from the immense pressures of 2014.  So my thoughts returned to my own relationship and stepping back into my dominant role.  Along the way I have lost a certain amount of my confidence and with it my ability to be dominant.  However drawing a line under 2014 helped me to mentally look at myself and realise that there are things about me I should embrace and not try to change.

So although I have stopped smoking (over 2 years), have put on weight (yo-yo’d quite a lot) and am older and hurtling towards fifty, after all that happened last year, I’ve decided not to ignore my needs or desires.  I will lose weight (I have a goal to lose at least a stone before my holiday in May), I will not allow myself to feel weak or inferior, to embrace that I am a dominant woman (not 24/7 but when required or desired) and to return to D/s with my hussy.  And indeed this has already begun when my hussy stayed with me after Christmas until the New Year.  I rang in the New Year with a session.  It felt good to dust of my bag of tricks and peruse them.  It was a frisson of excitement.  A shiver of anticipation.  From now on I will be me and I will not deny myself any longer.

The Lady is back…

Back to normality

I am back home after a long 3 days and nights with my hussy. It was an awful wrench to leave her but the compensation is knowing that we will be back together again in 4 weeks time. And then we will be together for more than a week. But the last three days were wonderful especially as it was her birthday on Sunday - the first time we'd been able to spend her birthday together. And I gave her a birthday treat!

The time was spent re-bonding as it's been a long time since we've had a proper session. Bonding again in so many ways- physically and emotionally. Shopping on Saturday, something we haven't done for a while. Nilla shopping and sexy shopping is always a great combination! She had to get herself a new vibrator, which I put to good use on her birthday! But that was after we'd spent a lovely day out in the countryside with a pub lunch followed by a walk in a local park, and sharing locally made ice cream together. Back at her home, I took my time with a session which was emotional for her and hugely satisfying for me. She did her hair in plaits just for me as she knows I love to pull them.

Now I am back home and back to normality. Yes there is something missing inside of me as I sit here typing this, talking to her on MSN as I write. I miss her, in many many ways. I'm sure the high of the weekend will burst and I will experience the drop at some point, as she will too. We have learned to cope with it by talking to each other about how we feel. The e-sessions also help to keep the bond, keep the focus. But nothing can substitute the physical touch.

I know we're luckier than most, we get to meet up on a regular basis, can plan those events around our lives. Our relationship is more than D/s, we love in equal measure, and make sure there is balance between both sides of us. And in between our meetings is normality. And though that normality keeps apart, it also helps to keep us sane. Sometimes emotions break through the normality, but we wouldn't be human if that didn't sometimes happen. My work and home life help to stop me brooding over my hussy's absence. They are an important part of my life, and help to shape the person I am. The routine and structure of an average working day and average home life are necessary, are important. They help to keep my focused and I probably apply that to my D/s too. Structure and focus. My instructions, the e-sessions, the training - it all helps to make the physical sessions something special.

This wasn't intended to be such a long post. I know we all deal with LDR's in our own way, find our own balance, our own coping mechanisms. I find writing and talking the best way to cope. I have an extra day off tomorrow to do food shopping, take a pet to the vets, and probably do the mundane such as cleaning and ironing before I return to work on Wednesday. And I will be there for my hussy to help her through the next few days as my absence makes its own impact on her life. So getting back to normal is all part of the process with LDR's. No matter how much you wish it wasn't...

Equilibrium

There are times when despite the opportunity, things don't always go according to plan.  Or maybe it was never meant to be that way in the first place.  Which is what happened to us a couple of weekends ago.  I drove up to visit P for one of our weekends together.  I was full of anticipation and the car contained my usual array of clothes, lingerie and toy box - well more like a holdall.  Domestic life had been incredibly busy for me in the run up to the weekend, so much so that it wasn't until the day before that I allowed myself to get excited about the visit.  Normally I plan for any visit in advance.  Get a schedule in my mind of what to do and when to do it.  With only 48 hours to utilise, I always have more to do than hours available.  But that doesn't normally stop me.  So I had a rough plan wanting to ensure the right mix of D/s and "us" time.

Once I arrived at P's house, I had time to unpack, have lunch and take a bath before she arrived home from work.  I text her asking her to come straight upstairs.  She didn't know in what context the message was sent.  So it was my pleasure to greet her laying on her lovely double bed, in my sexy lingerie that she had bought for me, covered with scented rose petals.  I am a hopeless romantic.  And there is something decadent about making love at 4 o'clock in the afternoon.  Post orgasm, lying together, arms and legs entwined is always a special place to be in body and spirit.

I think this set the tone for the rest of the weekend.  Mentally I relaxed and found the desire to dominate subside.  I just wanted to enjoy the time we had together as friends and lovers.  We had a lovely day out on the Saturday exploring the nearby countryside, having lunch, walking and enjoying the scenery.  At home, I was content to just be.  Even though P did her usual foot ritual with a lovely massage and pedicure including painting my toenails.  When I had a bath, we talked and kissed and were tender with each other.  Formality was set aside.

On Sunday I had what is becoming my usual photo session.  We always enjoy them for the obvious reasons.  I am just waiting for P to finish editing before she sends them.  Then I can share some of them on FetLife.  Leaving as always is a bitter pill.  Especially as this time it will be six weeks before we meet again.  She is going abroad over the Easter holidays for two weeks to visit family.  With the time difference, there will be little time to communicate properly via MSN or Skype.  It will probably be emails and texts.  But at least it will be communication.

So despite my initial plan, our weekend was tame in D/s terms.  And that wasn't a bad thing.  When P stayed with me for a week at the end of February, we had three rather intense sessions.  I haven't written about them, not because there is anything to hide but because the blog doesn't have to be about every session.  It is more about the journey though the details help to relay that journey.  And I enjoy writing the details.  But obviously we needed balance, a chance to be ourselves without any pressures of performing.  Sometimes I know I put pressure on myself to be her Lady, to be dominant, to be all things for the short space of time we're together.  P has tried to stop me doing this.  It's important for it to be relaxed and natural.  As natural as breathing that I dominate and she submits.  It could be that as our last time was so intense, we needed to step back and breathe together in a different way.  To lay on her bed, waiting, feeling the coil in my tummy, my pussy pulse and throb with excitement, longing for her touch upon my skin was the tonic I needed.  I know now it was the tonic we both needed.

When we next meet, when she drives down to me, I know she will be full of the same anticipation for both aspects of our relationship.  Next time, there will be the tingle of tension for both of us.  The sort that makes you spine shiver and your stomach flip.  Next time will be different again.  And the absence will only add to it.  Balance in all things.

Normal service has resumed

After a day of self doubts and a semi emotional crisis, P text me when she read my earlier post regarding my feelings.  We chatted online for a while and she was happy for me to postpone the e-session until tomorrow when I might be in a better frame of mind.  I said I wanted to do the session as we'd arranged for tonight.  I view it rather like falling off a bike.  If you fall off, you get straight back on again.  If you don't, you won't have the courage to continue.  So I said we'd do the session.  And I was so glad that we did.  Everything just clicked back into place so easily.  My mindset returned and I was focused on my Hussy completely.  Having to punish her probably helped with the process.  I always write up our sessions so I can remember what I've done, what's worked and what hasn't, how P has felt and what she's said.  It helps me to plan for future sessions.  I had FetLife open on the laptop and I received a message from a stranger.  A dom who had read my erotic piece I had posted a few days ago.  His words were so uplifting and gave me a much needed boost of confidence that I was doing the right thing.  And that P had a special and discerning mistress.  So a stranger helped to link the circle and reconnect me.  I feel whole and complete again.  Normal service has resumed.

Talk to me

A phrase I often tell her. I want her to talk to me, tell me if she has any concerns or doubts. At first it wasn't easy for P to open up and tell me how she felt. The diaries were the easiest way, but it took time for her true thoughts to come through. Those little dark desires and fantasies that have been lurking in the back of the mind, suppressed for a lifetime. Once we established her boundaries, she found it easier to open up. When we had our first session together, she was hesitant and unable to truly find her voice. Now she is more confident and we can discuss whether a particular scene has worked or not. I am always the one encouraging her to find her voice and talk to me.

Then why couldn't I talk to her? Oh I could send instructions, make lists of protocols, tell her session plans, guide her in the maze of this truly wonderful world in which we have more than dipped our toes into. But what was in my heart, I couldn't tell her. The weekend she stayed for the first session was nerve wracking for both of us. And I was tongue tied. Completely and utterly hopeless. I knew she was too and it was only right that I should be the one to take the lead. I shouldn't be ashamed to open up and tell her how special this moment was, how precious she was to me, how my heart was singing at the thought of what was going to happen. That I was scared, I was petrified of failure, of letting her down, of being weak. Of being human. We walked along the beach and just held hands, but no words were spoken. The romantic might say no words were needed, but they would be wrong. It was like being on the cliff edge and taking the leap off together. But we couldn't tell each other that. And I certainly couldn't tell her anything.

It took more than one meeting before we could start to talk face to face. We managed the breakthrough a couple of months ago when P brought some of her books along. We sat on the sofa reading them and discussing them, what turned us on (or off), techniques and the subject of training. I realised there were so many things we still had to learn and that when P and I were apart, she would need to keep the momentum going. And that meant training. Giving P tasks and ensuring she updated me on her progress. Once this invisible wall had been breached, we talked non-stop. All the fears vanished. Now we can't seem to stop talking!

We converse most nights through online chat, though I am considering a web cam. This seems to instill fear and excitement in equal measure for P. It in no way implies that I don't trust her. But it will give her a chance to show off a bit. I may have to use my powers of persuasion! Or I could just be teasing her, she doesn't know. But for me, talking to P has been far harder than I ever imagined. Talking to P privately will always be a problem as she shares her home with another person. Typing in chat is easier than speaking on the phone where she could be overheard. And I am always conscious of that.

When we are together, just on the sofa, or walking down the street, or wherever, we are just two people. Neither is dominant or submissive at that time. I thought we could always share things between us no matter where or when. It wasn't as easy as that. It has taken time for me to get the confidence and inner strength to truly open up, not just to her but to myself. Remember I wrote in an earlier blog that standing in front of the mirror and seeing myself as dominant was scary and something I couldn't equate to me. Well talking is the same thing. Saying the words out loud are scary. How I feel, what makes me go wild inside, what turns me off, what I miss about P when she's not here. All these things and more. To speak the words out loud is scary but also an admission of who I am. That's even scarier.

So it's not just a case of P talking to me, so I can ensure her safety and well being. Not just so that I know what buttons to push. I need to talk too. I need to be open and honest. Not just to her but to myself. That's why its taken me almost 6 months to accept who I am to myself. But a lot of that has come about through talking to P and to Jay. And now this blog has become an extension of that. This blog is me, talking. Talking to myself, and to her. So that when I just can't find the words, she can read them here.