Alive and kicking!

I know it's been a while since I last posted here.  Home life has been hectic especially before Christmas with builders, carpenters, tilers and painters.  Though the end result has been worth the disruption!  After Christmas, other domestic issues simply took precedence so that both blog and D/s life went on the back burner.  My hussy has been my rock and strength during this time.  She has been there when I've needed her.  When things have seemed to be taking their toll, she has helped me to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  And now things at home are finally settling down, my thoughts are turning back to D/s.  The desire is returning.

Some of the routines we'd developed naturally went on hold.  But now I want to put them back into place.  We both need the routine of diaries, e-sessions and tasks.  On one of my hussy's recent visits, I bought her a bracelet to symbolise our D/s relationship.  She knows that whenever I ask her to wear it, she is under my instruction.  She is my submissive for that time.  I was delighted that she both understood its importance and significance.  It is only a simple thing, but it means I can text her when I want her to become both mentally and physically attuned to me even at a distance which is imperative as we are in a long distance relationship.

I also want her to start training again.  We had made so much progress last year especially with her anal training.  So much so that she stated a desire for her to experience strap on anal.  She has hinted at this before but I didn't feel she was ready for it.  As training has also been neglected in our temporary hiatus, she will need to get used to things again before we can reach the holy grail.

Mentally I am always thinking about our D/s.  Physical sessions haven't existed since last September and my confidence has taken a bit of a dip as a result.  The bracelet enables me to command her when she is wearing it and interlace it within our private life.  I can switch during the day from Domme to lover at the click of a clasp.  I know it will return to its former glory and hopefully attain a new level as she strives to be better for me.  Her dominant.

So I will be blogging more frequently.  It's all part of the process back to being well and truly alive.  The hairbrush has been sadly neglected but I feel it will be used quite frequently from now on...

Changes

More specifically changes in myself.  Since I started this particular journey, I have changed.  I am not a naturally confident person.  I was bullied at school.  I've had bad experiences in previous relationships which have left their mark mentally rather than physically.  I always prefer to be in the kitchen at parties.  I'm the perennial wallflower.  I blend into the background rather than stand out.  All these aspects are at odds with what I am doing now.  But I have noticed subtle changes within me, which also show outwardly.

This particular journey in my life is starting to become something of an Epiphany.  Being dominant is at odds with my shy nature, uncertain at gatherings, nervous of public speaking, not one to step up to the plate and announce her presence.  And though I love clothes, I dress to remain invisible to everyone, don't allow myself to stand out.  No bright colours.  I don't want to draw attention to myself.  Amazing what your past can do to your present.  Though there has always been a part of me that wants to be my true self.  I have "argued" with myself - tried to justify why I shouldn't wear that skirt to work, that colour blouse or those boots or heels.  I just don't want to stand out and draw unwanted attention to myself.  Because I lack confidence in myself.

Now I feel like a hermit crab, coming out of my shell.  My shell has been my protection, my barrier against my fears.  Most of those fears are of my own making though a few are the product of my past.  Ones that I have allowed to dominate me, dominate my personality.  There's also a tiny self destruct button which I naturally push whenever anyone gets close to me emotionally and physically.  It's self preservation, a gut reaction.  Since starting out on my fledgling wings as a Domme, I have struggled to accept who I am.  Some of those struggles are already detailed in earlier posts on my blog.  Accepting my dominant side and reconciling it with what I was doing with P was a journey in itself.  I even stepped away from it completely for a few months before the calling returned, stronger than ever.  And since then, I haven't turned away from it.  I have embraced it, nurtured it, enjoyed it, loved it, fantasised and lived it.  I do all those things now and it gets stronger with each passing day.  Sometimes I still feel I have two sides to myself, rather like a coin.  Sometimes I know it is an essential part of me, one that has to be given freedom.  And part of that freedom is to have the confidence in myself.

My photos which are on FetLife are probably one of the biggest indicators of the changes I have and am going through.  The early ones show my face hidden behind a venetian mask, lots of leg and foot shots and a few full length ones.  But the mask hid who I was.  As P took more photos, I found myself enjoying it more and more.  And that showed as I ditched the mask and flirted with the camera.  And not just with the photos that are on FetLife.  There are many that are just "for our eyes only", for both P and I to enjoy.  I enjoy teasing and flirting, posing and causing a few ripples of excitement when the photos are uploaded.

Being dominant is spreading into my real life.  Mainly in the way I think and feel and react to the world around me.  As my mum said a little while ago "I'm too old to worry about what people think of me."  And that has always been one of my problems, worrying about what people think of me.  Slowly I have stopped worrying.  Embracing my dominance has given me the confidence to wear the clothes I like, the shoes I like and incorporate this when at work and out of work.  I used to wear trousers at work and never show my legs.  Now I have dresses and skirts, wear knee high boots in winter, high heels now the sunny days are here.  And since I have been on a workout regime since the beginning of the year, I have been able to buy fitted clothes and show off my new, sleeker figure.  And all this makes me feel good.  I walk a little taller, a step stronger, head a little higher, back a little straighter.  I feel proud of my appearance, the way I look.  I've had compliments and close friends have noticed the subtle differences in how I act as well as look.  What changes inwardly is shown outwardly.  I'm not pretending to have full and complete confidence, but it's more than a start.

For me these changes are unexpected but a welcome side affect to being a dominant.  I want to enjoy the new found personal freedom it is giving me.  The slow release from old mental chains is a relief, though scary as I find my feet and strive to reach the right balance.  But it's also an exciting phase in my life as I embrace this new side of me.  Knowing the affects I have on others, people who enjoy my photos, converse with others who are either dominants or submissives.  The thrill of knowing what I can do and what is to come.  And have the confidence not to retreat back into my shell.  All these changes are making a difference to my life.  It's something I didn't expect, but something I'm willing to embrace and continue to grow.

How do I control thee?

Let me count the ways.

Okay I'll stop with the massacre of Shakespeare and get on with the article.  But at least you know what it's going to be about.   There are many ways to control within a D/s relationship.  Over the course of my journey with P, I have been able to exert more and more control over her as time goes on.  And of course, some of it has been trial and error.  What works for us might not work for someone else.  We also have the added difficulty of having a long distance relationship so everything we do has to backed up with absolute trust.  I trust P that when I tell her to do something, she does it.  And visa versa if needs be.

For me, I can place my control mechanisms into two camps.  Mental control and physical control.  The mental control can be subtle, gentle, applied over time.  Other times it can be as subtle as a brick, in your face, made obvious.  Physical control is often used during sessions, when I am able to be with her or see her such as when we do an e-session via Skype.  One thing I have discovered is that both sides often merge so that the control can be both mental and physical.  So let's try and separate them first and start with mental control.

I like to get inside P's mind, know what makes her tick, her likes and dislikes.  I have done that through her many diaries that she sends me.  Gradually I have invaded her mind, almost like being inside it.  Often in the past, P has told me that she will think of me at random times of the day.  Especially when it nears the time for a visit or e-session.  I fill her thoughts completely.  Anticipation and a certain healthy amount of trepidation help to accelerate this.  I like being there.  For one it's a little bit slutty!  I have been able to open up her inner most thoughts, something she has found difficult to do in the past.  A lot of the mental control I have over P now is the result of all the previous months and sessions we've spent together.  It's been a learning curve for both of us.  I know I can flick her internal 'switch'.  Play sessions have enabled me to gauge her reactions, know her limits.  How far can I push or punish her?  The biggest thing mentally is that she knows she's there for my pleasure, my enjoyment.  She's my toy.  And her will to submit to me hasn't diminished.  In fact it has grown.  I have been able to exert more control over her.  Now I have started to train her to serve me, do things for me, pamper me.  This is a different kind of control.  No bondage or pain is required.  It is all about my needs and her wish to please me.  I know that quite often, she is thinking of me, of my dominance over her.  My words are just as effect as any of my actions.  I have reprimanded her, praised her, teased and denied her with equal affect.  Sometimes I now don't even need to say anything.  I can just give her one look and she understands what it means.  That is very pleasing for me.  To have that amount of mental control over her.  She knows by my reaction whether she has pleased me or not.  It's almost like remote control sometimes.  P has told me it's rather like Big Brother, someone is always watching her.

Physical control is more hands on.  In its basic form it comprises of bondage and restraint.  In whatever degree I wish.  Sometimes it's just her wrists, other times it's all appendages so she is completely helpless.  I like to control her senses, deprive her of one of them heightening the others.  The most common way is blindfold.  Unable to see, I have the element of surprise at my disposal.  I can see her reactions and be fluid in how I decide to use and play with her.  Even without restraint, I can control her to do as I wish.  Kneel, lay down, kiss my shoe or boot, stand still, stand in the corner and face the wall.  This one I use for punishment and combines both elements of physical and mental.  And with servitude, I control her every move.  Fetch this, do that, kneel here, wait, massage my feet.  Or just be there for me to pet every now and again and if you're very good, you can rest your head on my lap while I stroke your hair.

One of my favourite control mechanisms is the touching ban.  Physically frustrating for anyone with a hint of a sex drive, mentally devastating.  Usually I impose this a couple of days prior to a visit and a day before an e-session.  It helps to concentrate her mind on what is to come.   I have also used it for punishment.  I think the longest she was banned was almost a week.  That was very difficult for her, but she knew why it was imposed (along with a few other things) and it worked.  Now she hasn't got to the begging stage during a ban, but I'm sure in her mind she has.  Begging.  P is uncomfortable begging.  I love to hear it.  I make her beg to ask me to cum.  She has to beg badly (or good) enough for me to grant it.  And depending on how I feel, I might allow it and then again I might not.

I wasn't expecting this to be quite so long and I don't think I've covered every aspect of control between us.  But it does give you an idea of what happens within a D/s dynamic.  May be it even gives you a few ideas to use for your own D/s.  It's only when you try and write it down, that you realise just how much goes into a D/s on both sides.  Ultimately she trusts me and puts herself in my hands.  To give that level of submission must be the ultimate symbol of my control over her.

Acceptance

My journey has been all about that, acceptance. Acceptance of who I am, what it means to me, the changes in my life, the new direction it takes, and the new person in my life who I now have a certain level of responsibility for. I openly admit it has been hard, with a lot of soul searching, pain and suppressed emotions. I had often thought the origins of my dominant trait linked back to when I was abused and it was just my mental payback for what happened. Seemed like a logical explanation. But as I grew from teens to adulthood, I still had my dominant fantasies. I suppressed them so they only existed in my head, at night when I lay alone in my bed. And used them to help get me aroused and excited. I felt guilty for doing it, for using faceless men to enact my heartless actions upon.

I had a couple of unsuccessful vanilla relationships, nothing new I suppose. But my past always interferes with my present. Rather like an unexploded bomb. Over the years I have learned to accept this and try to live my life around this emptiness in my heart. Which was especially frustrating when all I ever seemed to attract was married men. It seemed to be the story of my life. But still I suppressed my latent dominant desires. I mildly played around with it when I had one of my earlier relationships but didn't have the courage to fully open myself up to it and discuss with my lover at the time. Probably something I should have done, but the moment passed and it was lost forever. Or so it seemed.

One thing is certain, I never expected the recent chain of events to occur. Meeting P first online through shared vanilla interests, then on to BDSM might seem a large leap. I suppose it was but we found that as we got to know each other better, so our conversations became deeper and more personal. We talked about our lives, our failed relationships and soon about our latent desires. P was quite open about her wish to be truly submissive in the right relationship with the right person. I talked about why I wanted to be dominant, how it aroused me sexually. I never thought I would attain that wish, and neither did P. But as we explored this side of ourselves the more I felt we were capable of doing this, and maintain our friendship.

I wrestled with asking P for a while, convinced that she would politely decline and I would have to hope our friendship would remain intact. We first met in January 09 after weeks of online chat where we had confided with each other on some deeply personal and emotional issues including our abuse. Sometimes I still wavered and had bouts of melancholy (I hesitate to call it depression) or extreme sadness over my experiences and P was always strong, there to listen, understand and help. She understood why I often pushed away the people I loved because I believed it was easier for me to cope that way. In reality it was because I felt I wasn't worthy of being loved, in any capacity. P simply refused to allow me to think like that, that I was important, I was pretty, I was attractive and deserved to be loved in some way shape or form.

After our weekend in January which was strictly platonic, we conversed even more, always ending up on the same subject. I began to think that may be we could. I thought about asking P long and hard. Eventually I did at the beginning of February and she accepted. The initial euphoria was soon replaced with all my doubts and fears. I began another journey of acceptance, of my true self. One thing we both had to accept was that we could be bisexual. This was easier for me as I once had a loving time before, again with another close friend a few years ago. As I said in an earlier blog, it moved past the sexual and we remain close friends. But that was the only experience I had. P had never felt attraction for another woman. I didn't expect she would with me. But that wasn't the point of our D/s, it was to explore and embrace our BDSM desires. However we had to look at what we were and question if there was another motive. We settled on just being us, not labelled or boxed in any way. Just us.

The big problem for me was accepting my dominant desires. Once awakened they became very powerful so I had to strike the balance between real life and dominant life. P and I live several hours drive apart from each other so it was always going to be a long distance relationship. The drops after the huge emotional highs of being together were overwhelming on the first couple of visits. It was hard to adjust to those let alone accept who I was becoming. I always ended up with huge guilt problems, believing I was using my dominance as an excuse for abuse, abusing my authority over P. It was a huge hangup for me and something I found hard to separate. Looking down at P restrained and there for my use, was enormously arousing but afterwards I was wracked with guilt. All my demons rose up and broke through my defences, taking me on a rollercoaster ride of emotions long buried. Or so I thought. So I had to work through them. Day by day, one step at a time. Gradually, with the kind help of Jay and P's constant reassurance, I was able to do that. But it took weeks to achieve. Finally I knew I had to make a decision or we couldn't carry on any longer. I wouldn't be able to carry on. The breakthrough came a few days before our last time together in May. Instead of being my usual hopeless, nerve wracked, guilt ridden self, I literally looked in the mirror and told myself to grow up, be an adult and accept myself. That I wasn't at odds with the rest of the human race, or my beliefs, and that I needed to embrace it. Be complete, be happy and love myself. As P now loved me for who I was, friend first and foremost, as my sub second.

Of course there has been the pleasant side affect that we are now both attracted to each other. Something P is experiencing for the first time, an attraction to someone of her own sex. It's early days, probably nothing may happen. Out of the chamber I am a different person, not submissive but more passive. But love between women is without all the agendas that goes with male/female relationships. Even if nothing happens sexually, I know that we love and care about each other deeply and will always have P as a friend and soul mate.

So that is my journey so far. Of accepting myself, in all its different ways, all its complications, ups and downs like the waxing and waning of the moon. And I am now much stronger for it. And though a lot of it had been down to me, P has guided and helped me every step of the way. She has had her own acceptance issues but hers are on a different level concerning her body and her scars. She fully accepted her submissive nature a long time ago. Now she has a conduit to explore it with in complete love and trust. My struggle has been long and hard, a tough path to tread but one that has ultimately made me a stronger person. I am able to separate Her from me, enjoy our online conversations with P, shared fantasies or scenes, but carry on with real life in safe and certain knowledge that when P returns to me, I will be whole again.