Changes

More specifically changes in myself.  Since I started this particular journey, I have changed.  I am not a naturally confident person.  I was bullied at school.  I've had bad experiences in previous relationships which have left their mark mentally rather than physically.  I always prefer to be in the kitchen at parties.  I'm the perennial wallflower.  I blend into the background rather than stand out.  All these aspects are at odds with what I am doing now.  But I have noticed subtle changes within me, which also show outwardly.

This particular journey in my life is starting to become something of an Epiphany.  Being dominant is at odds with my shy nature, uncertain at gatherings, nervous of public speaking, not one to step up to the plate and announce her presence.  And though I love clothes, I dress to remain invisible to everyone, don't allow myself to stand out.  No bright colours.  I don't want to draw attention to myself.  Amazing what your past can do to your present.  Though there has always been a part of me that wants to be my true self.  I have "argued" with myself - tried to justify why I shouldn't wear that skirt to work, that colour blouse or those boots or heels.  I just don't want to stand out and draw unwanted attention to myself.  Because I lack confidence in myself.

Now I feel like a hermit crab, coming out of my shell.  My shell has been my protection, my barrier against my fears.  Most of those fears are of my own making though a few are the product of my past.  Ones that I have allowed to dominate me, dominate my personality.  There's also a tiny self destruct button which I naturally push whenever anyone gets close to me emotionally and physically.  It's self preservation, a gut reaction.  Since starting out on my fledgling wings as a Domme, I have struggled to accept who I am.  Some of those struggles are already detailed in earlier posts on my blog.  Accepting my dominant side and reconciling it with what I was doing with P was a journey in itself.  I even stepped away from it completely for a few months before the calling returned, stronger than ever.  And since then, I haven't turned away from it.  I have embraced it, nurtured it, enjoyed it, loved it, fantasised and lived it.  I do all those things now and it gets stronger with each passing day.  Sometimes I still feel I have two sides to myself, rather like a coin.  Sometimes I know it is an essential part of me, one that has to be given freedom.  And part of that freedom is to have the confidence in myself.

My photos which are on FetLife are probably one of the biggest indicators of the changes I have and am going through.  The early ones show my face hidden behind a venetian mask, lots of leg and foot shots and a few full length ones.  But the mask hid who I was.  As P took more photos, I found myself enjoying it more and more.  And that showed as I ditched the mask and flirted with the camera.  And not just with the photos that are on FetLife.  There are many that are just "for our eyes only", for both P and I to enjoy.  I enjoy teasing and flirting, posing and causing a few ripples of excitement when the photos are uploaded.

Being dominant is spreading into my real life.  Mainly in the way I think and feel and react to the world around me.  As my mum said a little while ago "I'm too old to worry about what people think of me."  And that has always been one of my problems, worrying about what people think of me.  Slowly I have stopped worrying.  Embracing my dominance has given me the confidence to wear the clothes I like, the shoes I like and incorporate this when at work and out of work.  I used to wear trousers at work and never show my legs.  Now I have dresses and skirts, wear knee high boots in winter, high heels now the sunny days are here.  And since I have been on a workout regime since the beginning of the year, I have been able to buy fitted clothes and show off my new, sleeker figure.  And all this makes me feel good.  I walk a little taller, a step stronger, head a little higher, back a little straighter.  I feel proud of my appearance, the way I look.  I've had compliments and close friends have noticed the subtle differences in how I act as well as look.  What changes inwardly is shown outwardly.  I'm not pretending to have full and complete confidence, but it's more than a start.

For me these changes are unexpected but a welcome side affect to being a dominant.  I want to enjoy the new found personal freedom it is giving me.  The slow release from old mental chains is a relief, though scary as I find my feet and strive to reach the right balance.  But it's also an exciting phase in my life as I embrace this new side of me.  Knowing the affects I have on others, people who enjoy my photos, converse with others who are either dominants or submissives.  The thrill of knowing what I can do and what is to come.  And have the confidence not to retreat back into my shell.  All these changes are making a difference to my life.  It's something I didn't expect, but something I'm willing to embrace and continue to grow.

The Holy Grail

My hussy stayed for a few days recently.  I was at work during the week, so she was able to relax at home and went out with my best friend.  They enjoy each other's company.  In the evenings, I would come home to find her waiting with a hug and a kiss.  It's lovely to know she's there waiting.  She served me diligently, being attentive to my every need.  Before bed, I was treated to blissful foot massages with oils and creams.  She watched mesmerised as I would roll my cigarettes for the next day.  I tease her about my nimble fingers as they twist and turn, my tongue licking the paper before creating the perfect cigarette.  I had planned a session for the Friday evening.  However, I received some upsetting news and the stress completely threw me out of my mind set.  I decided it was better to cancel it as I didn't want to take it out on her physically.  Besides I just wasn't in the mood for it anymore.  I apologised but P is always understanding.  As she told me, there will be plenty of other opportunities to come.

Saturday was spent out together shopping and eating out with lots of loving in the evening.  On the Sunday, she was due to leave at lunchtime.  She needed to get home earlier than usual to sort some things out before going back to work.  I didn't want her to go, I never do.  Letting go is always the hardest part.  More so this time as it would be 7 weeks before we saw each other again.  My hormones were raging.  She was trying to pack.  I watched her pack then couldn't restrain myself anymore.  I needed one last taste of passion.

I closed the bedroom door and walked over to her.  I was probably giving off enough sparks to light a bonfire.  It wasn't long before we were kissing and pawing at each other.  I virtually ripped her clothes off before we fell on the bed.  Normally we make love slowly with lots of stroking, arousing, tenderness mixed with deep passion.  Not that lunchtime.  I needed release, I needed to feel her skin on my skin, her fingers on my body and her tongue on my skin.  It wasn't long before P's lips slid down my body towards my pussy.  I was more than ready.  I almost leapt off the bed when her tongue connected.  It's been a while since I've been so worked up before being touched.  P loves giving oral sex and I enjoy it thoroughly.  Her goal has always been to make me orgasm from her tongue.  Earlier blogs have explained that for some reason, I have only been able to get so far before needing a toy to complete the process.  Though the last couple of times, I have seemed to be more attuned to her.

I lay on the bed, my legs spread over P's shoulders as her tongue worked its magic.  I was very sensitive, throbbing and needing release.  I actually don't know how long P's head was between my thighs, I only remember clutching her hair, moving her head where I wanted it, where I needed it.  Her tongue moved fast, her lips sucked and kissed.  My thighs gave the first signal just before I felt the tingle.  Oh. My. I vaguely remember saying "oh shit!" or something but the orgasm was so intense, it just flooded my body and my senses.  P just kept her tongue going as I writhed on the bed, almost crushing her head between my thighs.  It wasn't just one, I know I had at least two or may be three before I actually had to stop her.  The intensity was so different to my favourite toy.  It was a bit of a shock that the impossible happened.

Afterwards, P lapped up my cum like cream and even that was almost too much to bear as my pussy was hyper sensitive by then.  Then she crawled up the bed to rest beside me and hold me in her arms.  The grin on her face couldn't have been wider or brighter.  It took me a while to recover.  A happy recovery, getting my breath back as I was smothered in musky kisses, tasting myself on my lips from her lips.  P giggled as she said my thighs had twitched before she felt my pussy cum all over her.  She had to push my thighs apart as I'd tried to crush her while keeping my orgasm going for as long as possible.  It was, and is, almost impossible for me to believe it happened.  I just lay there at once relieved and amazed at my own body.  P just grinned.  I don't think either of us can wait for the next time.  Of course my antics delayed her departure, but I'm sure she didn't mind why.

@The_Lady_Xanax

Yes I have now fully embraced the 21st Century and joined Twitter.  There is a simple logo on the front page of my blog for you to click on, read my tweets and 'follow' me.  The blog enables me to write more in depth, explore the world of BDSM to the full and share it with you.  Twitter will be more spontaneous, brief and give an insight into daily feelings and going on's.  Please feel free to follow me on Twitter and converse with me.

Politeness and respect will always be rewarded when you send me a tweet.  And I certainly look forward to hearing from you.  I do intend to tweet as often as possible, some of them will be more 'vanilla' depending on my whims.  Though I won't tweet mid session with my hussy.  I have to draw a line somewhere!  But expect some interesting tweets afterwards!  Oh and as Lady, I will embrace the Queen's English - don't expect text speak!

Business as usual

Another weekend, another session.  Six weeks apart meant that I was (quite literally) climbing the walls.  Mentally I was more than ready for her arrival.  P admitted she was quite nervous before her visit.  We talked about this, even I was a little nervous.  It had been a while since we'd last had a proper session.  We needed to reconnect as D/s, I needed to reclaim her.  I emailed P her regular visit instructions which help her to focus, get back into the mind set.

On Friday, it was all about being together again as human beings.  How much I had missed her scent, her touch.  Just holding her in my arms was enough to bring light and love to my soul.  I did check she had followed my no panty rule and was rewarded with being able to feel her smooth skin through her cotton skirt as I rubbed her bum.  Yummy.  I did press her into service later in the evening.  I love foot massages and she loves to give them to me.  So I watched her massage warm oils into my feet and ankles, relaxing me as her fingers pressed in the right places.  Then she applied soothing moisturiser to make my skin smooth and silky.  Later she gave me a head massage.  Something I also adore.  Very relaxing and de-stressing.

On Saturday we went shopping.  Again it was more of a chance for us to be together, walk with fingers entwined, share time and space together.  The simple things are the sweetest.  Having lunch, browsing shops.  I was treated to a new bullet vibrator.   A bright pink one.  Yummy yummy!  All the time I would give her sly looks, looks she knew only too well.  A twinkle in my eyes, a wry smile.  The smile of knowing.  A hand down her back, a brief caress of her bum to let her know what was to come.  And inside I was nervous, excited, filled with anticipation.

Back home we chilled for a while together sipping tea.  I smoked.  I checked the time.  I always allow P 15-20 minutes to change and prepare.  I gave her warning of the time I wanted her to be ready and come to my chamber.  Now the butterflies take hold for both of us.  I prepared my chamber, changed my clothes, made sure all was perfect.  My way of mental preparation.  Getting into the blessed zone.  A zone which had been sleeping for a while.  But as I sat and waited on my bed, I was very much back in that zone.  I knew exactly what I wanted, what I needed, what P needed.  At the appointed time, there was a knock at my door.  I bade her to enter.

She came to me, dropped to her knees.  She kissed my hand as is the protocol.  And so it began.  Touching, stroking, teasing. This time I undressed her, slowing unbuttoning, unzipping, removing, revealing.  Time to inspect.  A chance to be intimate with my hussy before drawing her across my lap, trapping her legs between mine to keep her still.  I spank, warming up her pale skin, watching the skin turn red.  I switched from using my hand - pure skin on skin to a slipper.  P mewed and bucked on occasion when I hit a sweet or tender spot.  She wriggled across my lap.  Mentally and physically she is now attuned to spanking, it makes her pussy wet, she gets excited.  Even when I picked up the dreaded hair brush.  It is more intense, and once it connected with her already tender skin, P was really mewing and writhing.  But her body betrays everything.  I teased her over this and her silence confirmed her answer.

I bade her to stand.  Time for nipple play.  Something I love.  She stood quite still while I removed her bra, her last item of clothing.  Her large, firm breasts beckoned.  I fondled them first, got them and her aroused.  Then I applied my favourite nipple clamps. They are pink and have a bell on the end.  So when she jigs up and down, she tinkles.  The pincers are long and envelop the nipple, squashing it exquisitely.  When they were secured, I slapped her breasts, squeezed them, roughed them up making the bells sound.  I watched her reaction, her sharp intake of breath as the clamps bit home.  I love being able to control her in this way.  I know her limits and like to push them just a little bit more each time.  So I watch for when the signs are visible, the nipples getting angry, heavier breathing, sometimes a mew or a moan.  As I do so, I make her tell me she's a hussy and a slut, my hussy and slut.  Hussys love this, sluts love this.  P has trouble saying these words and I want her to say them out loud.  Repeat them like a mantra.  To reaffirm what she is and accept it.  To know what her submissive soul is.  A true hussy and true slut.  I keep going for longer than usual until I decide to go to the next stage.

I remove the nipple clamps.  The rush of blood to the nipples gives P the all too familiar pain/pleasure sensation.  Time to complete the reconnection.  She lays on her back on the bed and I put on my favourite latex gloves.  I get out the anal toys.  I know how much the snap of the latex glove on my hand sends her into overdrive.  Lube, glove, fingers.  I reclaim her properly.  From fingers to plugs.  Small then medium.  I twist, thrust, push and pull - using her anus how I want it.  The last plug to be used is penis shaped and about the same size as the middle smooth plug.  It also stays in.  P is still on her back, clasping her knees up to her chest.  Fully exposed for my pleasure.  I quickly insert the new plug.  Playing with this one gives different sensations.  It fills her in a different way with its curves and ripples.  It also stays in place without help.  I use this opportunity to spank her while she is plugged.  Yummy.  She reacted totally to the spanking.  I used the hair brush over her tightened, still sore skin and watched her yelp and gasp.  Her body bucked on the bed as I spanked and continued to use the plug until I knew the time to remove it.

Afterwards I cleared the anal toys away.  She drank some water and began to shake.  The emotion of the play was surfacing.  It does if there has been some intense play.  I cuddled her, stroked her hair and soothed her.  Aftercare is important and helps to make our bond stronger, show her how much I care.  I take the opportunity to ask P what she would like to do to me that would make me happy.  Something she enjoys doing.  I wanted to give her a chance to enjoy the last part of our session as much as me.  Without hesitation she replied that she loved to worship me.  Which instantly makes me wet.  P doesn't need to be told twice.  I let her worship me starting at my breasts before she works her way down.  The first time her lips touch my pussy, I buck and writhe as I am already aroused after our session.  I grab her hair and push her head where I want it, where I need it.  She loves to be used in this way.  Her dream is to make me cum with oral and though mostly I enjoy it, only once or twice has it ever been more than that.  Once in the shower and when I went to stay with her in March it was particularly good.  Last Saturday was the best yet in terms of arousal.  Her technique has improved but also my body is clearly reacting more to the stimulation.  Eventually P had to concede that the bullet would be the only way for me to gain blessed relief.  She dutifully gave me her bullet and I bade her to lay in my arms while I set the vibrator to work.  My orgasm was hard and wonderful.  And even more wonderful was curling up with P afterwards, both of us glowing from the excitement, adrenalin and sheer euphoria of session.  And when we're like that, that's when we're as close as two people can be.

My Hussy is back

I received a text this morning from P saying she had arrived back in the UK and was going back to her home.  Never has my heart been so full of joy.  And the countdown is already on.  Five sleeps until she is with me again.  Five sleeps until she will be with me again, to do with as I please.  I am already making plans and it makes my juices flow and dominant soul sing.  Her visit will end our six weeks apart which have felt longer and harder than any of our other separations.  Time and distance has played their part in this.  Now she is home and I feel the urges rise again.  Those wonderful, sweet urges of adrenalin, excitement and anticipation of things to come.  Though our time together will be short, just a weekend, I want to remember, feel and live every second.  Feel every part of her as she lays across my lap, so I can spank her lovely white bum.  Feel her squirm, wriggle and mew through her panty gag, something I love to do to her.  Watch the white skin glow from pink to red.  And play with her to my hearts content.  All these things I want to do, and I can't wait.

Text Porn

As you are aware, P is away on holiday - Dubai - visiting her family.  She sent me a text to say she was on the beach, soaking up the sun.  Then I received another text, a photo this time of a lovely palm tree set against clear blue sky.  This was her view of the world today.

My view of the world was my garden as I was mowing the lawn, also taking advantage of the lovely sunny weather we are having in the UK at the moment.  It was whilst doing that, an idea came to mind.  After doing the gardening, I went inside to take a shower.  Beforehand, I replied with my own photo taken on my mobile.  A different kind of hedge, just to remind my hussy of what she was missing.  Something intimate yet pornographic.  My wonderful neatly trimmed triangle with just a peak of heaven.  She'll be with me again in two weeks time and I am already plotting and planning for her weekend visit.  I just want to tie her up, gag her and spank her until she moans for mercy.  I want to turn her pale white bottom rosy red with the hairbrush.

I just wish I could have seen the look on her face when she looked at the photo I sent her...

I'm only human

Yep even dominants are human. My hussy has gone away for 2 weeks. She's visiting family abroad for the Easter holidays. I'm not jealous or envious. Well just a tad because she's somewhere sunny and hot and I'm here in the UK, though today has been quite sunny minus the heat! But because of the time difference, the level of communication between us will be very limited. When I'm working, I don't get home until the evening and she will be getting ready for bed. I hope the weekends might be better as I can get online earlier and she can stay up a bit later.

But it doesn't stop me missing her, badly. Primarily as my lover and friend, always there whether we talk to each other or not. I know she's there. Now she's not. She's far away. I know it's only 2 weeks, but right now it seems an eternity. My heart aches and I feel an emptiness inside. In our D/s I'm the strong one, the dominant one who controls. Derives my excitement from her submission. In our RL relationship, we are equals and sometimes I relinquish responsibility. All I crave are hugs, kisses and cuddles and surprisingly reassurance. Having had bad relationships in the past, I am inherently insecure with personal relationships always looking for the ending before getting past the start line. My hussy is the first person to have the patience to open my heart and love me in so many ways and on so many levels. I love her and I'm in love with her. To me she's a wonderful woman with a heart of gold and the patience of a saint. She's put up with my mood swings, tears, pangs of jealousy, crisis of conscience, insecurities and so much more over the last couple of years. But in many ways she has shown me that I can love and be loved in return without the fear it will all turn to sand and trickle through my fingers.

I've always been open and honest. I warned my hussy not to expect too much from me in our RL relationship, but she has been patient and persevered in her belief that I could open up to her. I have and sometimes I am frightened she will find someone else especially as she is younger than me. But her faith is unshakable and I have learned to accept what we have now is more important than any unfounded paranoia. So after all my ramblings I suppose I wanted to show how a dominant person such as myself is human, has feelings, and misses her hussy so much. I will miss her every day. She has a part of me with her as I sent her some cards to open over the next two weeks. I'm just a hopeless romantic! And I know she is planning to come down to see me a few days after she gets back. I shall be waiting with open arms and an open heart.